Family Psychology: What Your Parents Don't Know. My family is my treasure. A selection of statuses, quotes and aphorisms about the family In family life, the main thing is patience
Some married couples fall into the trap of a relationship in which they face misunderstanding, ridicule and contempt from their partner. Sometimes it comes to insults, or even violence. And always in such a situation, each couple has only two choices:
- stay together and try to change something in your relationship. Restore them and thereby save the marriage.
- send everything to hell and divorce, hoping for better life with someone else.
Divorce in this situation seems to be the most optimal and simple solution... However, it has its drawbacks:
- Ex-spouse's reaction to divorce
- Children's reactions to divorce
- Children are the cornerstone of divorce. There are many controversies about child support, the right to meet with him.
- Divorce can sometimes involve one or both parents and cause stress.
- Once divorced, many people experience discomfort when trying to create new relationships.
- Some people seeking divorce are unable to find another partner. They know that loneliness awaits them.
- Many who have difficulties in marriage find themselves carrying these same deficiencies into new relationships.
- Those who have been married to a person who abuses them physically, morally, or who is addicted to alcohol or drugs find that they have chosen a new partner with similar problems.
Many marriages that are on the verge of collapse can still be reanimated - if you understand where the problems are coming from. For example:
Expectations... In front of some couples getting married. A picture from Hollywood fairy tales for children is projected: "They lived happily ever after ...". They expected their romantic feelings for their significant other to last forever. And when the feeling evolved into the need for long-term communication, they decided that something was wrong in their relationship.
Support... Many spouses do not understand that a good marriage requires constant effort.
Roles. The couple may have inherited different and incompatible ideas about the role of husband and wife from their childhood.
Modeling... Spouses often paint a picture of their marriage similar to the family in which they grew up. But the example of their family is not always a good role model.
Many of these problems are overcome by intense communication, transparency of intentions, and a desire to make a difference.
But there are couples who have managed to overcome quite serious problems, such as alcoholism, adultery, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression. It would seem that here the best solution should have been a divorce. But, having survived and conquered life's troubles, these couples, over time, evaluate their marriage as happy.
With a lot of effort and time, they worked to get rid of problems, improve relationships and save the marriage. They fought in every possible way for their happy personal lives, even if their marriage was clearly mediocre.
Those who remain married generally disapprove of divorce. They are concerned about the fate of their children after the divorce. They are convinced that divorce will bring its own set of problems.
In most cases, a strong determination to stay married helps couples avoid divorce and get to the point where they can say their marriage is a success.
The fact that the happiness of a full-fledged family in our time has become the lot of a few is not surprising. The science of family building is forgotten. It's like ancient crafts. For example, the Aztec tribes once knew how to build walls from huge stones. Now no one can lift such stones with anything, therefore no one succeeds in building such walls. The rules of building a family are also forgotten.
The difference between the family and the ancient crafts is that a stone wall can be replaced with a concrete one. Although not so long, it will serve. But there is nothing to replace the family with. Few can be happy alone. Other forms of union of two people showed that they are not suitable for a traditional family.
The family has tremendous advantages over all other forms of arrangement. love relationship: the opportunity for all family members to be happy, the ability to keep love for an unlimited time, the opportunity to raise children with full-fledged, harmonious personalities.
Why are we talking about the possibility - because a person is free to destroy any business he does. But, at least in the family, there is a chance to achieve all these benefits, the highest benefits available to a person. And in such forms of relations as "guest marriage", " civil marriage", Homosexual" marriage ", the chances are thousands of times less.
To start a family, you need to know how to build one. This is a big, serious science. In this chapter, we will look at just some of the principal points of the art of building a family.
The main goal of family life
If you ask young people who are not yet married, what is the purpose of starting a family, most likely they will answer something like this: “Well, what is the purpose? Two people love each other and want to be together! "
Basically, the answer is good. The only problem is that there is a long distance from “wanting to be together” to “being able to be together”. If you start a family with the sole purpose of "being together", the moment that is shown in many films is almost inevitable. He and she are in the same bed, she is sleeping, and he is thinking. And now, looking at the sleeping body next to him, he wonders: “What is this completely alien person doing here? Why do I live with him? " And he cannot find the answers. This moment may come after ten years of marriage, maybe earlier, but it will come. The question "WHY?" will rise to its full, enormous growth. But it will be too late. This question should have been asked to yourself earlier.
Imagine you have a friend. This person is interesting to you. You invite him to go on a journey with you. If he agrees, of course, you will outline the purpose of your trip - among the different places where you can go, you will choose the most attractive, in the eyes of the two of you.
It happens that people are so good with each other that they are ready to board any plane, steamer or train that comes along. And this is beautiful in its own way. But what are the chances that this plane, steamer or train will take you to the same a good place what can you deliberately outline? Maybe you will come to some bandit land where your friend will simply be killed and you will be left alone? After all real life, unlike the dreamy one, is full of dangers.
Family life is also like a journey. How can you go into it without setting any goal? Not only should there be a goal, it should be high enough, significant, so that you can go towards this goal all your life. Otherwise, you will reach this goal after a certain number of years - and automatically your joint journey will end. Whether after that you will be able to come up with a new goal and whether this person will agree to go with you on a new journey is still a question.
For this reason, another common goal of family life - to give birth and raise children - also cannot be the main one. You will give birth to children, bring up, and as soon as they become adults, your marriage is over. It has fulfilled its function. It can end in divorce or continue to exist as a living corpse ... A real family, thanks to a correctly set goal, never becomes a corpse.
The purpose of the journey is absolutely necessary for another reason. Until you determine the purpose of the trip, you will not understand what qualities your companion should have. If you are traveling, for example, for the purpose of a beach holiday, a person with the same talents and skills will suit you. If on a road trip through ancient cities - with others. If you go hiking in the mountains - third. Otherwise, you will be bored on the beach, there will be no one to drive a car while traveling around the cities, and in the mountains with an unreliable companion you may even die.
Without knowing what the purpose of family life is, you will not be able to correctly assess the intended partner. How good is he in order to go along with him exactly the path that is planned? "Like" is an absolutely necessary, but far from sufficient quality of the chosen one. How many disappointments, broken lives because of the false belief that in a love relationship, reason is an ugly atavism! On the contrary: without using reason, you cannot keep love.
So what is the purpose of making a family real?
The ultimate goal of a family is love.
Yes, family is a school of love. In a real family, love increases from year to year. Thus, the family is an institution ideally suited for people to achieve their true, only true meaning of life - to achieve perfect love.
As we have already said, according to a number of psychologists, love begins after 10-15 years of married life. Let's not take these numbers too seriously, since all people are different, and it is not so easy to measure love. The meaning of these numbers is that love is achieved in the family, and not immediately.
As Mikhail Prishvin said, "Genuine life is the life of a person in connection with his loved ones: a person alone is a criminal, either towards the intellect, or towards the bestial instinct." To simplify, a single person is almost always an egoist. He only has the ability to take care of himself. Life in close communication with other people forces him to think about others, sometimes to give up his interests for the sake of the interests of those who are nearby. And the closest communication is between spouses. We get to know a person very closely, with all his shortcomings, and despite his shortcomings, we try to continue to love him. Moreover, we strive to love him as ourselves and in general to overcome the division into “I” and “you”, having learned to think from the position of “we”. To do this, we have to overcome our egoism, our shortcomings.
The ancient sage said: "They do not argue with those who deny." When spouses have one goal, it is much easier for them to agree with each other: they have a common basis. And what a foundation! If the measure of all our big and small deeds is whether we act out of love or not, and whether our act leads to an increase or decrease in love, we are acting really beautifully and wisely.
When we begin to understand things correctly, we find that the world is complete, beautiful and harmonious: the goal of the family is fully consistent with the goal of human life! This means that the family was invented in order to help a person achieve his main goal. God divided people into men and women so that it would be easier for us to love each other.
A family is formed by two adults
Only two adults, independent people can form a family. One of the indicators of adulthood is the overcoming of dependence on parents, separation from them.
It's not only about material dependence, but, above all, about psychological. If at least one of the spouses continues to be emotionally dependent on either parent, create a full-fledged family fails. Sons and daughters of single mothers are especially problematic: single mothers often form a strong, painful bond with their children and do not want to let their child go, even when he has already registered his marriage.
The main functions of the family
To love and be loved is the main human need. And the easiest way to implement it is in the family. But for the well-being of the family, it is necessary that the other needs of the spouses be fulfilled, the fulfillment of which belongs to the functions of the family. The functions of the family, which is quite obvious, include such tasks as giving birth and raising children, meeting the material needs of the family (house, food, clothing), solving household tasks (repairing, washing, cleaning, buying food, preparing food, etc. .), and also, what is less obvious, communication, emotional support for each other, leisure.
It happens that by focusing on some of the functions of the family, spouses overlook the rest of the functions. This leads to imbalances and problems. After all, even such a seemingly secondary function of the family as leisure, is of considerable importance, since it helps to replenish the "energy" balance of the family. A family in which everyone is constantly busy with the performance of material and household functions, and perform these functions excellently, but do not rest together, may face unexpected problems.
Many Western researchers say that the most important thing in maintaining a relationship is communication- the ability of two people to talk to each other heart to heart, sincerely and with confidence to express their feelings and listen carefully to the other. “One indicator of a healthy relationship is the proliferation of small phrases that only make sense to the spouse,” says Josh McDowell, author of the acclaimed book Secrets of Love. Oddly enough, the reason for betrayal on the part of women is often their dissatisfaction not with the physiological side of marriage, but with a lack of communication with her husband, insufficient emotional closeness.
Emotional support Is a type of communication that performs a separate function. We all need emotional support, consolation, and approval from time to time. It is generally accepted that only women need a man's "strong shoulder", a "stone wall". In fact, the husband no less needs the psychological support of his wife. But the support that men and women need is somewhat different. This topic is very well and in detail disclosed in the book by John Gray "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."
The role of sex in family life
In a "light" relationship, sex is simply a physiological pleasure caused by the stimulation of the erogenous zones.
Sex in a real marriage is an expression of love, a connection not only of two bodies, but on some level of souls. Sex loving people in marriage it is spiritually beautiful, it is like a prayer, a prayer of gratitude to God and a prayer for each other. The pleasure of sex in an "easy" relationship cannot be compared to the pleasure in marriage.
But the mere fact of registering a marriage does not guarantee that the couple will fully receive this pleasure. If people before legal marriage for a long time "practiced" in irresponsible sex, and not always with loved ones, they have fixed certain skills, these people are accustomed to the fact that sex is a very definite thing. Will they be able to rebuild themselves internally, discover new heights of this pleasure? The longer they cohabit outside of marriage, the less likely it is.
The union of loving people is not only a physiological process, but also a spiritual one. Therefore, the role of physiology here is not as great as in the premarital "sport". The myth that sexual compatibility is one of the fundamental points for starting a family is not born of sexologists. Experienced and honest sexologists who are not concerned with proving the importance of their own profession put sexual compatibility in its rightful place. Sexologist Vladimir Fridman says:
“Cause and effect should not be confused. Harmonious sex is a consequence of true love. Loving spouses almost always (in the absence of illness and the presence of appropriate knowledge) can and should achieve harmony in bed.
Moreover, only mutual feelings can maintain satisfaction in sex for many years. Love is not a consequence, but the cause (main condition) of intimate satisfaction. The desire to give, not receive, drives her. And vice versa, "love" born of enchanting sex, most often a short-lived chimera, is one of the main reasons for the destruction of those families where spouses have not learned to give each other real physiological satisfaction.
On the other hand, intimate harmony feeds love, the one who does not understand this can lose everything. The pursuit of an orgasm outside of marriage without deep feelings generates sexual dependence, when partners only want to get pleasure.
Giving, not receiving, is the main slogan of love!
One can argue for a long time about the magnitude of the force of sexual desire given to each. Indeed, there are people with a weak, medium and strong sexual constitution. It is easier if the needs and opportunities in the family coincide, and if not, only love can help to reach a reasonable compromise ”.
Saul Gordon, a psychologist and director of the Institute for Family Studies and Education, says that according to his research, sex ranks only ninth among the ten most important aspects of relationships, far behind such traits as caring, communication, sense of humor. Love takes the first place.
American psychologists also calculated that spouses spend less than 0.1% of the time in a state of sexual play. That is, less than one thousandth!
Closeness in family life is a precious expression of love, but it is not the only expression and, moreover, not the main one. Without a complete coincidence of all physiological parameters, a family can be complete and happy. Without love, no. Therefore, to arrange premarital tests for sexual incompatibility is to lose more for less. It is natural to desire sex with your loved one before marriage, but the truly loving behavior will be to wait with this until the wedding.
Where does the family begin?
There are different situations in life ... And yet, for most people, a family begins from the moment of its state registration.
State registration has two useful aspects. First, the legal recognition of your marriage. This removes important questions about the paternity of children, joint property, inheritance.
The second aspect is perhaps even more important. This is your official, public, oral and written consent to be husband and wife of each other.
We often underestimate the power of our words. We think: "The dog barks - the wind carries." But in reality: "The word is not a sparrow, if it flies out, you won't catch it." And "What is written with a pen cannot be cut out with an ax."
How throughout the history of mankind have people consolidated mutual obligations? A promise, in a word, a mutual agreement. The word is a form of expression of thought. And thought, as you know, is material. Thought has power. A promise made even to oneself, especially in writing, is already showing its power. For example, making a promise to yourself not to repeat a bad habit will make it much easier not to repeat it. There will be a barrier before repeating it. And if we don't keep our promise, the feeling of guilt will be much stronger.
A solemn, public, oral and written oath of two has great power. There is nothing loud in the words spoken during registration, but if you think about it, these are very serious words.
If, for example, we were asked at registration: “Do you agree, Tatyana, to spend the night with Ivan in the same bed and have joint pleasure until you get tired of it”? Then, of course, there would be nothing wrong with this obligation.
But we are asked if we agree to marry each other! This is a great thing!
Imagine, you came to enroll in the sports section. And there they say to you: “We have a serious sports club, we work for the result. We will only accept you if you take a written commitment to take at least third place in the World Championship or Olympiad. " Perhaps, before signing, you will think about how hard and how long you will have to work to achieve such a result.
The obligation to be a wife (husband), and not an ideal person, but this one, alive, with flaws, actually means that we undertake even more work than the one that makes people champions. But our reward will be immeasurably more pleasant than a golden round and glory ...
The modern wedding ceremony was invented a hundred years ago by the communists as a substitute for the sacrament of the wedding of the Church they were destroying. And what was in the arsenal of the communists that would correspond to love? Never mind. Therefore, this whole ceremony, its standard phrases really look pathetic and sometimes funny. One of my acquaintances was a witness at the wedding. Guild Girl says, "Young, come forward." My friend later told me: “Well, I don’t consider myself old” ... So the three of us came forward ...
But behind all these funny, stupid or boring moments it is necessary to see the essence of marriage registration, which strengthens the strength and determination of loving people to really be together all their lives and puts barriers to the temptation to betray that may arise in the future.
These barriers are surmountable. Still, they help us to gain the upper hand over our weaknesses.
What is a wedding
For the wedding in Orthodox Church couples are allowed whose marriage has already been registered by the state. This is due to the fact that until 1917 the Church also bore obligations related to the registration of births, marriages, and deaths. Since now the registration function has been transferred to the registry offices, in order to avoid confusion, in the interests of the married, the Church asks them for a marriage certificate.
A wedding has that beauty, that grandeur, which the state registration is deprived of. But if you want to get married just for the sake of this external beauty, I think it is better not to do this. Maybe over time you will realize more deeply what a wedding is, and then you will be able to get married really, consciously. After all, this is not an external procedure, but something in which your mental and spiritual participation is required.
I can hardly reveal even a small part of the meaning that a wedding has. I will only mention a few points briefly.
Unlike the state, the Church gives priority to the issues of love and marriage. That is why the sacrament of marriage is so solemn and majestic. It is indeed a great joy for all the members of the Church present.
Normally, those who are married are virgins. Therefore, the Church honors them the feat of abstinence and, as victors over their passions, crowns with royal crowns. He who lives by passions is a slave. He who conquers passions is the king of himself and of his life. A white dress and veil emphasize the purity of the bride.
But at the same time, the Church understands how difficult this is - marriage. The Church knows about the visible and, most importantly, invisible forces that will seek to destroy this marriage. No wonder the Russian proverb warns: “Go to war, pray; go to the sea, pray twice; if you want to get married, pray three times. And possessing that power that alone can withstand the forces of invisible evil, the Church in the sacrament of marriage gives the crowned God's blessing on their marriage as a force that will strengthen and protect their love. This marriage is truly in heaven. That is why a wedding is not a ceremony, but a Sacrament, that is, a mystery and a miracle.
In the words of the prayers read during the wedding, the Church wishes the spouses such great blessings that even the closest relatives will not wish them at the wedding.
The Church believes that marriage is something that extends beyond death. In paradise, people do not live a married life, but some kind of connection, some kind of intimacy between husband and wife can persist there as well.
To get married, you need to be baptized, believe in God, trust the Church. And it is a great happiness for those who are married if they have many believing friends who can pray for them.
How the roles of husband and wife differ in marriage
Man and woman are not naturally the same, so it is natural that the roles of husband and wife in marriage are also different. The world we live in is not chaotic. This world is harmonious and hierarchical, and therefore the family - the most ancient of all human institutions - also lives in accordance with certain laws, a certain hierarchy.
There is a good Russian proverb: "A husband is a shepherd to his wife, a wife is a band-aid to her husband." Normally, the husband is the head of the family, the wife is his assistant. The woman feeds the family with her emotions, the husband calms the excess of emotions with his world. The husband is the front, the wife is the rear. A man is responsible for the interaction of the family with the outside world, that is, provides the family financially, protects it, the wife supports her husband, takes care of the home. In the upbringing of children, both parents participate equally, in household matters - as far as possible for each.
This distribution of roles is inherent in human nature. The unwillingness of the spouses to play their natural roles, their desire to play the role of another makes people in the family unhappy, leads to material distress, drunkenness, domestic violence, adultery, mental illness of children, family breakdown. As we can see, no technical progress cancels the action of moral laws. "Ignorance of the law is not an excuse".
The main problem of the modern family is that the man is gradually losing the role of the head of the family. There are women who, for some reason, do not want to give a man his primacy. There are men who, for some reason, do not want to take it. If you want to be happy in family life, both parties need to make an effort on themselves so that the man is still the head of the family.
Everyone is free to have their own point of view on this issue, their passions and can do as they see fit. But there are facts. And they say that families in which a man is the head practically do not turn to family psychologists: they do not have serious problems. And families in which a woman dominates or fights for power turn to psychologists in huge numbers. And not only the spouses themselves turn, but also their children, who later, due to the mistakes of their parents, cannot arrange their personal life. On our dating site znakom.realove.ru in the profile of the participants there is a question about who was the head of the parents' family. It is significant that the overwhelming majority of women who cannot start a family in any way grew up in families where the mother was the commander-in-chief.
The vitality of the family depends on the faithful observance of their roles by husband and wife. The vitality of the society depends on the vitality of the family. Famous American family psychologist James Dobson writes in his book: “The Western world stands at a great crossroads in its history. In my opinion, our very existence will depend on the presence or absence of male leadership. " Yes, the question is exactly this: to be or not to be. And we are already very close to not being. But each of us can determine the fate of his family, to be or not to be a real family. And if we choose to be, we will make our contribution to the strengthening of our society, to the might of the country.
There are families in which a clearly strong and organized wife and a weak sloven husband. The wife's leadership is not even challenged. These are families created according to the so-called complementary principle, when people coincide with their shortcomings, like puzzles. I know of comparatively successful examples of such families where people live together and may not part. But still, this is constant torment, latent dissatisfaction on both sides, and considerable psychological problems in children.
I also observed an example of how you can build a healthy family, even if the natural characteristics of the spouses do not match. The wife is a phenomenally strong, domineering, tough and talented person. Her husband is younger than her and by nature much weaker, but kind and intelligent. Both are professors at universities. The wife fully manifests her strength in the professional field, where she achieved great success (she is a psychologist, her name is known to almost everyone in Russia). In the family, with her husband, she is different. The palm is deliberately given to her husband. The wife "plays the entourage". Respect for the father is instilled in children. The final decision of the husband is the law. And thanks to such support from his wife, the husband does not look unworthy of his role, he is the real head of the family. This is not some acting, deception. It's just that, being an experienced psychologist, she understands that this is right. Perhaps this understanding was not easy for her. Her first two marriages fell apart. They have been together with their current husband for about 40 years, they have three children, the family feels warmth, peace and true love.
In the family, the retinue makes a king not only in external terms, but also in the most authentic, psychological sense. A wise wife, choosing femininity and weakness, makes her husband more courageous and stronger. Even if the husband is not very worthy of respect, a wise wife tries to respect him for the sake of respect for spiritual laws, which, as she understands, she cannot change. She takes care of the house, so that her husband and children feel good in it, and above all - psychologically. She tries to control her emotions. She does not humiliate, does not reproach, does not nag her husband. She consults with him. She does not “climb in front of daddy into the scorching heat,” so that both the first and the last word when discussing any issue would be hers. She expresses her opinion, but leaves the final decision to her husband. And he does not push him around in cases where his decision turned out to be not the most successful.
Husband and wife are two communicating vessels. If a wife, with patience and love, shows her husband her sincere attitude towards him as the head of the family, he gradually becomes a real head.
Of course, it is necessary for the husband and himself to take care of being the head of the family. Do everything possible for the material support of the family. Do not be afraid to take decisions on serious issues, and take responsibility for these decisions. A husband can also help a woman become more feminine, help her take the place that befits her in the family and in which she will feel like a woman.
The main strength of a man who conquers a woman is calmness, peace of the soul. How to cultivate this peacefulness in yourself? Like love, peace of mind grows as passions and bad habits are overcome.
The role of children in family life
Truth is always the golden mean. In relation to children, it is also important to avoid the two extremes.
One extreme, especially characteristic of women: children come first, everything else, including the husband, comes later.
The family will remain a family only if the wife and husband are always in the first place for each other. Who at the table should get the best piece? According to the proverb of the Soviet era - "All the best for children"? Traditionally, the man has always gotten the best piece. Not only because the man's task is to provide material support for the family, and for this he needs a lot of strength, but also as a sign of his seniority. If this is not the case, if the child is taught that he is the king of the family, an egoist grows up, not adapted to life, and to family life in particular. But, first of all, the relationship between husband and wife suffers. If the wife loves the child more, the husband, as it were, becomes the third-most. He then looks for love on the side, and as a result, the family falls apart.
The other extreme: "children are a burden, as much as we can - we will live for ourselves." Children are not a burden, but a joy that cannot be replaced by anything. I am familiar with two large families. One has six children, the other has seven. These are the happiest families I know. Yes, parents work there a lot. But how much love, joy, warmth there is!
In a normal family, parents do not “plan” and “regulate” how many children they will have. First, many contraceptives work on an abortive basis. That is, they do not prevent conception, but kill an already formed embryo. Secondly, there is something above us that knows better than us how many children we need and when they will be born. Thirdly, the constant struggle for "non-conception" deprives intimate life spouses of that freedom and joy, which they have every right to enjoy.
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Family is the most precious thing a person can have. We offer you a selection of statuses, quotes and aphorisms about the family. Here you will find beautiful and romantic expressions about married life and children, as well as cool statuses about family.
A wedding is the birth of a new family. Some strive to play a magnificent and luxurious wedding, others prefer a modest ceremony. Only when getting married, couples should understand that it doesn't matter what their wedding was like, what matters is what their life together will be like. For a family to be happy, you need not only love, but also be able to yield to each other. They say that a real family becomes when children appear in it. This statement is not accidental, because love must have a continuation.
A successful marriage is a building that needs to be remodeled every day. (A. Maurois)
For a marriage to be successful, spouses must make an effort every day to keep it.
So that the family can develop -
We need to create marriages
Not with whom you want to go to bed,
And with the one with whom you want to get up!
A real family gives strength to live and wake up every morning in a good mood.
The family replaces everything. Therefore, before starting it, you should think about what is more important to you: everything or family. (Faina Ranevskaya)
If everything is more important, then you should not rush. So the time has not come yet.
Marriage is like a pair of scissors - the halves can move in opposite directions, but will teach a lesson to anyone who tries to get between them. (Sydney Smith)
IN happy marriage spouses will stand up for each other.
Work is labor force. Evenings for the family. (Gina Wilkins)
Evenings are meant to be spent with the family.
My family is my castle.
The more trust, the more stable the fortress.
True love helps to endure all the hardships.
Loyalty is the key to a long and happy family life.
Family is an invaluable gift. It must be protected, not destroyed. (Susan King)
Whoever destroys a family has no right to be called a Human.
The wife must trust her husband. But what about? In family life, the main thing is trust. Otherwise, family life is simply unthinkable. (A. Vampilov)
And the husband, in turn, must speak the truth.
You can't replace children, you can't replace family
Money, career, friends, yourself.
Family is where you love and believe
A picture of happiness, care, peace.
Spiritual closeness, the secret of longevity,
Fighting all diseases, hope and light.
And even if something went wrong and doubts,
Family is a talisman for good luck, victories!
Family is the greatest wealth that a person can have.
A family is strong if a moment of happiness is repeated many times. (V. Havel)
A happy family is made up of happy moments.
The family is one of nature's masterpieces.
There are as many masterpieces as there are families in the world.
Family is what it is worth waking up every day for, breathing every second, and praying to God every moment to protect and protect them ...
Family is something worth living for.
The family should have either two artists, or not one. (I. Alferova)
If one artist, and the second spectator, this is no longer a family, it is a theater.
With meaning
To get married is to halve your rights and double your responsibilities. (A. Schopenhauer)
And then there is a fresh breakfast in the morning and clean ironed shirts ...)
Spouses should be able to yield to each other, then their relationship can be called love.
The main thing in family life is patience ... Love cannot last long. (A.P. Chekhov)
Over the years, love grows into a habit.
All happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. (L. N. Tolstoy)
Family happiness is similar - busy weekdays and happy evenings, but everyone has their own misfortune.
In family life, the most important screw is love. (A.P. Chekhov)
To keep the family from falling apart, this screw must be constantly tightened.
If the family is not filled with children's screams, they are more than compensated by adults ...
In a family without children, it becomes boring and the spouses begin to find fault with each other.
FAMILY is happiness, love and luck,
FAMILY is a summer trip to the country.
FAMILY is a holiday, family dates,
Gifts, purchases, pleasant spending.
The birth of children, the first step, the first babble,
Dreams of good, excitement and awe.
FAMILY is work, caring for each other,
FAMILY is a lot of homework.
FAMILY is important! FAMILY is difficult!
But it is impossible to live happily alone!
Always be together, take care of love,
Drive grievances and quarrels away,
I want friends to talk about you:
WHAT A GOOD FAMILY THIS IS !!!
So I want all families to be strong and about each of them it was possible to say "What a good family this is!"
The family is not a unit of the state. The family is the state and it is.
In it, mom is the President, dad is the Prime Minister ...)
Good spouses have the same goals.
And one desire - to be together and forever!
Family is not a place where everything is perfect, but where they forgive each other!
There are troubles in any family, but not everyone knows how to forgive them.
A good family is one in which the husband and wife forget that they are lovers during the day and that they are spouses at night.
Friends during the day, lovers at night - these are the ideal spouses.
Do not complain to anyone about your man, because, most likely, tomorrow you will make up, and in the eyes of your friends he will remain a "bad person" who does not deserve respect.
It's too late to complain when a choice is made.
If you take Love and Faithfulness,
add to them the feeling of Tenderness,
multiply everything by years,
it will turn out - FAMILY!
Love and fidelity are the main components of a family.
The only thing you have to worry about is your family, and let the rest worry about yourself!
Only close people are worthy of your experiences.
About a happy family and children
A marriage cannot be happy if the spouses, before entering into an alliance, have not perfectly learned each other's morals, habits and characters. (O. Balzac)
You need to get used to each other before marriage, not after it.
The guarantee of family happiness is in kindness, frankness, responsiveness. (E. Zola)
Family happiness lies in simple things.
A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short. (A. Maurois)
It seems that happiness always flies by very quickly.
The family starts with children. (A.I. Herzen)
Children are an "attribute" of a real family.
A happy marriage is a marriage in which the husband understands every word that the wife has not said ...
Spouses are people who understand each other without words.
A good woman, getting married, promises happiness, a bad woman awaits him.
For a family to be happy, a wife must be wise.
The main secret of a successful marriage is to see accidents in misfortune, and not to perceive accidents as misfortunes. (G. Nicholson)
In marriage, it is important not to focus on the little things.
The main idea and purpose of family life is the upbringing of children. The main school of upbringing is the relationship between husband and wife, father and mother. (V.A. Sukhomlinsky)
For children to grow up to be worthy people, they must be brought up in a loving family.
In a happy family, the wife thinks that the money comes from the bedside table, the husband thinks that the food is taken from the refrigerator, and the children think that they were found in cabbage.
You don't have to know the truth to be happy ...
It is better if someone is in charge of the family. And it is better if this “someone” is love.
Spouses should be ruled by love.
Statuses
The best way to test a man for loyalty is to ask a sleeping husband a question in the morning: - Will you go to yours or will you stay with me?
It's scary to hear the answer ...)
That family can be strong
Where the cross stands on the letter "I"
Where the word "WE" rules, where there are common dreams,
Where there is wealth and comfort,
Where children scurry merrily
Where it eternally flares up again
Such passionate love!
In the family there is only "We" and there is no "I".
If you meet a faithful husband, ask him for an autograph.
And each went to ask for an autograph from her husband ...))
A woman in a family is like a translator: she understands both baby talk and drunken delirium.
A married woman is generally a unique creature, she brings up her children, and is engaged in the son of her mother-in-law ...
Take care of yourself - do not look at your husband's phone ... Take care of your husband too. Get yours away!
If you have nothing to hide, then you won't have to hide your phone!
An ideal family - dad works, mom is beautiful!
No, well, if so, then I want to get married and I want children ...)
To my phrase "Yes, you are my sun!" my son, a dog, a cat came up to me at once, and just in case my husband looked out of the corridor ...
Some suns live in the house.
A man who has forgotten his family cannot be called a real man.
He is not that real, he cannot be called a Man either.
The family is a small country in which PAPA is the president, MAMA is the minister of finance, the minister of health, the minister of culture and family emergencies. A CHILD is a people who constantly demand something, are indignant and go on strike!
As always, all the important functions lie with the mother ...)
When my family is near, I don’t need the Internet!
And when the family is far away, the Internet is needed only to find out how they are doing.
The principle of many wives: of course, dear, you must have your own point of view ... and now I will tell you it!
EXPERIENCED PEOPLE Rules of family life
65 years old, retired
45 years married, one son, one grandson
There are many definitions for a family. One thing will be written in the Constitution, for a young girl, the family, perhaps, another, for a grandmother - a third. Now for me a family is a union of two like-minded people who go to the same goal.
Today, it is generally accepted that the main thing in a family is sex and attraction. From my own experience and the experience of friends, I can say that this is not the case. What's the main thing? Probably this feeling when I go home and I know that my Boris is there, and all the hardships and difficulties of the past day are left behind.
My husband is only a year older, but I always felt that he was older than me, I always turned to him for advice. And now a generation of absolutely infantile children has grown up. They don't need a family ... At the same time, the first thing these boys say is: “let's live together”, and not “let's go to the theater, cinema, to an exhibition,” as it was in our time.
Games are now replacing all interests. Boys and girls of today are overly fanatical about computer games forgetting even about the normal age-related needs ... So it turns out, the computer is nearby, the girl is nearby - why is there a family?
If I had not taken on the responsibility of raising my granddaughter, my daughter-in-law would hardly have been able to make a career. But I know of other examples. Many women took place in the profession, while having several children.
Sacrifice. This word can answer many questions about the family. And if she is not there, there is no family.
I have nothing to forgive my husband. Maybe I was just lucky? They love me, they never left me. More often than not, I blamed myself for sometimes behaving unseemly. And I always treat my family with gratitude and thank God for what he gave me.
In disputes, I want your word to be the last. But this is not a very good way to solve problems. I'm a woman, I have to behave wiser and more cunning.
I punished my son and still scold myself for it. And she didn't touch her granddaughter with a finger. With my son, it seemed to me that severity is the main thing. And now I think that the main thing is love and patience. However, there are no clear answers here and there cannot be.
In youth, you want to be liked, you want to carry yourself to other people. And although the birth of a child was for me the best shock in my life, it was only when I became a grandmother that I got rid of the superficial and unnecessary, completely devoting myself to caring for my granddaughter. I paid attention to any of her smallest achievements, new words, skills ...
In any situation, you want to look human. We must try with all our behavior, with all our thoughts to be on the side of the family. Cohesion is what matters.
I try to believe in God. After all, we are his pieces on the ground.
Lidia Ivanovna Samoilova
59 years old, Deputy General Director of the Moscow Nikulin Circus on Tsvetnoy Boulevard
Married for 25 years, one son, one grandson
The family has existed for many centuries as the most stable form of life. The order established in the family, value orientations are projected onto everything else: attitude towards work, towards children and the elderly, towards the Motherland ...
Lack of respect for each other leads not only to discord in the family, but also to the collapse of the country as a whole. To revive the feeling of patriotism, love for the Motherland, one must start with the family.
The foundation of the family is love. When they write, they say: making love is a substitution of concepts. Live by love! Love is a hymn to life! Talented children are born from love! And from those who make love, children end up in orphanages ... Love is responsibility for each other in any situations!
There is a good beginning in Pushkin's fairy tale "About the Fisherman and the Fish": "... the old man was catching fish with a net, and the old woman was spinning her yarn. And so they lived for thirty years and three years ... ”The family never prevented Leo Tolstoy from becoming what he became! Everyone went about their business - Sofya Andreevna gave birth to children, sheathed the whole family, rewrote his works 20 times. And then the "old woman" and Lev Nikolaevich began to search for themselves. We all know perfectly well how it ended ...
If I am at home and the light bulb burns out, I can insert it into the socket when my husband is not there, but when he is at home, please, this is his business. I would not like to see my husband mending linen, for example, or ironing his shirt.
A crisis comes when something is not communicated to each other. You have to sit down and talk, go through the crisis, this is normal.
When my salary was not paid for six months, my husband pulled me and my son on him, then everything changed for me. The main thing is everything to the house and no reproaches!
For some reason in our country there is an opinion that a child is a burden. Again, from disbelief in God's providence. It is the Lord who sends us children to justify our coming into this world!
In no case should a child be suppressed, and talk to him about everything, on an equal footing and on forbidden topics too. Be with him more often. By and large, the child does not care where to go - to the theater or to the skating rink, as long as with his parents!
Difficulties arise when a child begins to think that he is a hindrance in life, hinders his parents: to build a personal life, a career, etc.
I think it is impossible to punish a child physically. This is a manifestation of weakness on the part of the parents and disrespect for the personality of the child. Although a couple of times to turn on my brains, I had to kick my five-year-old son in the ass, for which I still do not respect myself. It is necessary to talk with the child patiently and for a long time.
My son taught me a lot. When it is very difficult, he says: Mom, you and I, we will overcome everything, the main thing is that we are alive and need each other. There are no hopeless situations!
I accept life as it is, with gratitude, I try not to multiply evil and rejoice in simple things.
Grigory Alekseevich Kiselev
58 years old, programmer
Married for 29 years, two children
Definition of a family in modern world requires clarification. So for me a family is a voluntary union of two people of different sexes. Well, for me personally, a family without children is impossible, although I am sympathetic to those young families who want to walk together.
There have always been problems in the family. And there were always a lot of divorces. I remember that 29 years ago, when they applied, we were given a referral to courses in living together. I remember very much the lecture of the psychologist, who told us that half of the couples would divorce in a year. We were all then sure that this was not about us, but he did not take these numbers from the ceiling.
Self-realization is not an unambiguous question. Self-realization in what? You can realize yourself just in the family, have a big house, a summer residence, children. For example, I never saw myself as a boss, and I could not imagine a house without children ...
Even in my youth, I deduced the formula for happiness: as a process of realizing my aspirations and desires. The main word here is, of course, “process”. But when I shared this formula with friends, one of them said that, in his opinion, happiness is when nothing hurts. And he knew what he was talking about. At different ages, people have different goals and aspirations ...
What is important for starting a family? Mutual non-resistance of the parties! But seriously, the most important thing for creating a family is the acceptance of a person as he is, with all his shortcomings ...
The most important science for a family is the science of giving in. It's always better to give in than to make a scandal.
My father was an officer. It was an insurmountable difficulty for him to go to a bakery or walk with a stroller in uniform. I have never been in the military, but I still understand these feelings. This is what is called "the honor of the uniform." It is necessary to distribute responsibilities in the family taking into account such things. For me personally, it has never been a problem to take out the trash or wash the dishes.
Patience is the foundation for overcoming a crisis. It is easy to break, but will it be possible to fix it again?
When those "hungry 90s" began, I went to work as a loader. Then he worked with furniture and so gradually left science. I make money. And this is how I overcome all crises ...
If the quarrel reaches a dead end, it is better to leave ... That is, not entirely, but leave for a while. I once went for a walk with the dog for two hours.
You should not make children look like yourself or the way you want. In communicating with children, the most important thing is not to lose contact, to remain their friend.
At the age of three, my son asked us an insoluble question: "Why is everything so?" We've been trying to answer it all our lives. This is probably one of the main difficulties in upbringing. Explain to your child why everything is so ...
Even as a child, when something happened, I always thought about what could have been worse. Having broken my left arm, I happily shouted to my mother: "It's good that not my right one!" Even when something really hard happens, I say, "Never mind, let's break through!" Trials are always sent to us according to our strength!
Anton Pavlovich Chekhov
Family psychology is a branch of psychology that studies the essence and evolution of family relationships, the peculiarities of their origin, formation, stabilization and disintegration, as well as a number of other points related to family and family life. Family psychology is an extremely important branch of psychology for most people, because the family for many of us is one of the basic values on which our happiness depends. It is very difficult to build a good, strong, friendly family and develop all existing relationships in it to a sufficiently high level. Therefore, family psychology should be studied by every person who has or wants to start a family. Studying family psychology is a serious and very significant contribution to your life, since a good, happy family is a reliable support for any person, thanks to which he can overcome any life difficulties and hardships. In this article I will tell you about the most important, from my point of view, points for which it makes sense for you to be interested in family psychology, and even better to seriously study it. So if you, like me, are among those who adhere to family values and value them, then take your time to read this article. She will help you to pay attention to the most important aspects of family life.
Conflicts
Conflicts are one of the subjects of study of family psychology. Since the family is a rather complex system, especially if the family is large, consisting of people of different generations, then taking into account human nature, it is quite obvious that one cannot do without conflicts in it. Family conflicts are a common thing, another thing is that they can proceed in different ways, and depending on the behavior of the people taking part in them, the same conflicts lead to different consequences. Unfortunately, most people do not properly prepare for such conflicts. Usually we behave the way our parents behaved in similar situations, whose family life we observed in childhood, which is fundamentally wrong. And not only because our own life situations may simply be similar to the situations in which our parents were, but not identical, but also because many parents cannot set the correct example of behavior in conflict situations for their children. Therefore, many people do not know how to behave correctly in a particular conflict situation, but they often think they do. It is good if people at least turn to psychologists for help to resolve such conflicts, then they have the opportunity to avoid negative consequences from them. But some of them make a decision on what to do when a conflict arises, being completely confident in their correctness, before contacting a specialist, or do not consider it necessary to contact someone at all. It is quite obvious that without having a positive experience in resolving family conflicts, such people only harm their lives, because their decisions often turn out to be wrong, especially in the long term.
Family psychology can not only teach people how to behave in a conflict situation in the family, but it also teaches how to prevent such conflicts. Suffice it to say that the readiness for family conflicts in itself significantly reduces their severity. When a person understands, even before the creation of a family and before the very conflict in it, what possible conflict situations he will have to face with a very high degree of probability, then he is morally more or less ready for them. Therefore, there will be no disaster for him if suddenly something in his family goes wrong, if at least unwanted but not unforeseen problems arise in it. He will already have at least a rough idea of what and how to do to resolve the conflict. So if you do not want to seek help from psychologists, for one reason or another, become psychologists for yourself and your family by studying family psychology. You never know what disagreements can arise in a family, especially in a young one, not hardened by difficulties and trials. You need to be ready for all this in advance, without indulging yourself with the hope that everything in your family will be different, that you will never have any problems, scandals, conflicts, disagreements. It happens in life, and I will even say so, everything should happen - both good and bad. So you need to be ready for everything, including family conflicts. The psychology of the family, in the case of your careful study, will prepare you for them.
A responsibility
The next point that family psychology pays its attention to and which I consider very important is responsibility. Personally, I find it difficult to imagine a normal, at least more or less, family, which would consist entirely of irresponsible people. Such families, of course, exist, but it is difficult to call them families, let alone normal, prosperous, because life in them is extremely stressful and unpredictable. Even when only one of the family members, one of the spouses, is an irresponsible person - problems for such a family are provided. And there are many such families in which one or both spouses are irresponsible people. Why does this happen, why is irresponsibility in families so common? The thing is that some, and possibly many people, as it were, do not grow up to family life. Well, you know how it happens - you still want to take a walk, have fun, do various things that you don't want to do when you have a family, but here you need to somehow control yourself, limit yourself in some way, bear responsibility, at least for yourself, not to mention other family members, deal with household issues, and so on. You yourself understand - this is absolutely different lives... Life without family and family life is like heaven and earth. And after all, one must prepare for family life, the same responsibility is brought up in a person from childhood, or rather, must be brought up, but not always brought up.
On the other hand, egoism is very well developed in some people, not the one that is healthy, but the one that is childish, capricious, unreasonable selfishness. And although children also have good altruism, which is not found in every adult, nevertheless much more often they behave extremely selfishly, completely without taking into account the desires, needs and problems of other people. And if a person does not grow out of all this, then the selfishness of his character affects his family life extremely negatively. It is enough to look at the divorce statistics to understand that something is clearly wrong with our upbringing, or with the culture, especially when you consider that many divorces occur due to the fact that people cannot agree with each other, but they cannot. to do because they do not want to make concessions to each other. Thus, realizing the importance of a responsible approach to family life, a person can prepare himself for it, paying attention not only to what family psychology teaches, but also to his personal qualities, his egoism, which must be tempered so that the family does not suffer from for him, and so that the person himself does not suffer because of him. After all, few people want to deal with selfish people, let alone live, even when these people are very charismatic and charming. Exceptions in which one of the spouses suffers from the other's selfishness does not count. I do not consider such families to be successful. The family should please a person, should make him happy, and not be a punishment for him.
Confidence
The next thing to say about family and family psychology is trust. Do I need to tell you that it must be present in the family, that without people's trust in each other, there will be no good family? As my experience tells me, it is necessary not only to talk about this, but also to constantly repeat it, so that people who have a family or plan to start one, try to do everything in their power to establish the most trusting relationship with their partner. It would seem, well, what kind of appeal is this, because if people want to create a good family, they already understand this perfectly, and those who do not care what they create, they do not care about trust. However, as I have often noticed, many people do not fully understand what trust between people should be and what it is based on. They seem to want to trust and want to be trusted, but they behave in such a way that by their actions they destroy any partner's trust in themselves, and their trust in a partner. After all, even a small but very painful lie can undermine trust in a person for a very long time. And vice versa - if you unreasonably do not trust your partner, suspect him of everything and constantly check - you thereby demonstrate your unfriendly attitude towards him. You yourself give your partner a reason to deceive you by unreasonably not trusting him. Because people become for us what we see in them.
This does not mean that you need to recklessly trust your soul mate, but your distrust, firstly, should not be demonstrative, and secondly, it should be based on irrefutable evidence, and not on any kind of speculation. How many families suffered only because one of the spouses had a not entirely healthy imagination, because of which he saw deception everywhere and in everything. So you need to be more careful with this, because no one likes it when they are unreasonably and unfairly accused of something. And of course, you need to watch your own actions so as not to undermine your trust. After all, how often have I had to deal with people who wanted their husband or their wife to trust them, while many of their actions seriously undermined this very trust. People, of course, are different, some have a short memory, others have a long, and still others, as they say, are completely vindictive, so each has a different attitude to the treacherous actions of other people, especially people close to him. But still, most of us - grievances and betrayal are remembered for a very long time. That is why they say that it is very difficult to win people's trust - it takes years. But you can lose it in an instant. So trust in the family plays a very important role. And not only in the family, but in life in general.
Relationship between spouses
Also in the field of view of family psychology is such an area of knowledge as the relationship between spouses. Actually, a part of these relations are, among other things, the moments already described by me above - conflicts, responsibility, trust. But not only. It is important to understand here that the relationship between spouses is a special form of relationship. AND main feature this relationship is that married people have certain obligations to each other. There are relationships without obligations, they have their pros and cons, but basically, when we talk about family relationships, these are relationships with obligations. But these obligations, they, you know, should not so much be stipulated by law and set out on paper, as they should be in the minds of people who must voluntarily take them upon themselves. In my opinion, it is wrong to interfere with the state in family relations so that with the help of laws, that is, legitimate violence, it is wrong to resolve your issues with your husband or wife. Although it is often impossible to do without it, because sometimes people even make up marriage contracts, because they are not sure of each other. I, nevertheless, believe that without voluntarily taking on certain obligations, no laws will prevent a person from harming his soul mate, his family. After all, any laws can be circumvented. So you either want to bear certain obligations to your spouse, and to your family, or maybe you don’t need a family as such, and you should not torture yourself and other people by entering into a legal marriage.
People, of course, agree to live with each other on different terms and the family may not be at all what we are used to seeing it. But nevertheless, the family is a family and the people in it are not strangers to each other. Therefore, they still need to bear some obligations to each other, and on a voluntary basis, which means that they need to respect and appreciate each other, and it is desirable to also love.
In addition, there is another interesting point in the relationship between spouses - this is their use of each other. Which, in general, complements the above. I think that I will not surprise anyone if I say that some people have a so-called consumerist attitude towards their husbands and wives, and they look at them, not so much as people, but as a source of some kind of benefits or as a means. achieving one or another of their goals. It is not even about a marriage of convenience, because the calculation can be different, including quite noble, in no way contradicting such a feeling as love, we are talking about this type of people who see in their husbands and wives just another thing they need, their property , which they consider to have the right to dispose of as they please. I think that if you have not come across this personally, then at least you have heard of such a relationship, when either the wife is a thing for the husband, a kind of toy, or the husband is nothing more than a thing for his wife, so to speak, henpecked or just a breadwinner.
So I would like to warn some of you, dear readers, that such extremely unequal relationships between spouses, as a rule, do not make people happy. Moreover, such relations are harmful not only for the exploited person, but also often for the exploiter, because violence against people significantly worsens them, it kills the personality in them. With such husbands and wives who have been turned into things, there can be a lot of problems. So, my advice to you - look for, create an equal relationship with another person with whom you plan to start a family - this is the best option. This, of course, is a good option if you are interested in normal, standard family relationships, with all their pros and cons, and not something else.
Ready for family life
Thus, dear friends, in order to solve, or even better, avoid the above and all other family problems, it is extremely important to prepare a person for family life. The readiness of young people to form a family also falls into the field of vision of family psychology. You cannot do something well without learning it. But what does it mean to prepare for family life? This means that young people should know much more about such a life than they know about it, observing mainly the relationships of their parents, which, as a rule, are the only example of family life for them. And you and I know that some parents set an extremely negative example for their children. Naturally, if young people live in exemplary families in which everyone respects each other, in which everyone is happy, then they not only can, but also need to take an example from their parents. But according to my and not only my observations, in our society there are not very many prosperous families, therefore, in order to get the apple away from the apple tree, that is, in order not to make the mistakes of their parents, young people should learn all the subtleties of family life in other ways, in that including and through communication with experts on this issue. Then they will properly prepare for this life and create a good, friendly, strong family in which everyone will be happy.
In general, dear readers, a lot in your life, including your family life, will depend on your value system. Those people for whom family is important will learn everything they need to know about family and family life, including through the study of family psychology. And those for whom the family is of no value, probably have not even read to these lines. We always pay maximum attention to what is important and valuable to us, therefore, the readiness for family life largely depends on the values that we adhere to. Take a closer look at yourself and other people - see what is important to you and to them, what you and they give the most attention to. This will help you learn how you and other people, such as your potential spouse, can be prepared for family life.
And in order to understand what a family is - a good, happy family, and how valuable it can be to you - you need, firstly, to learn as much as possible about a good family life, from a variety of sources, and secondly, to compare this value with other values, so that you can understand what is best for you. For only knowing about different values and being able to compare them with each other - you can choose the best for yourself, choose what you really need.
