Psychological characteristics of adult children from alcoholic families. Psychological and external signs of children from families of alcoholics. Reviewing Past Experience Exercise
The term "adult children of alcoholics (ACA)" (DDA, from ACoA - Adult Children of Alcoholics, or ACA - Adult Children Anonymous) was originally used as a definition of support and self-help groups that worked on the methodological basis of the movement " Alcoholics Anonymous»(AA) Twelve-Step Program.
ACA are people who come from families where at least one of the parents was addicted to alcohol, and in this regard, they were forced to develop certain existential qualities that help "survive" in this family. However, these same qualities absolutely destabilize life outside the parental dysfunctional family.
The term ACA should not be shared with the term ACA - adult children from dysfunctional families. This is due to the fact that such problems may concern not only people who grew up in alcoholic families, but also those who were brought up in dysfunctional families, in which acts of all types of violence, perfectionism, religious fanaticism, "emotional divorce" of parents, a ban on expressions feelings, etc.
A set of symptoms with a common pathogenesis
ACA syndrome is a complex structural formation of problems and disorders caused by destructive personality schemes that have arisen in childhood in an alcoholic family, which impede adequate and direct contact with actual reality and provoke psychological stuck in the traumatic past. The adult child is not aware of these distortions. Destructive schemes provoke many violations in contact with oneself: the creation of a negative or split image of one's “I”, infantilism and ignorance of one's needs, getting stuck in the experience of negative feelings. It also leads to problems in communication: aggressiveness and distrust, the experience of ambivalent emotions, destructive models of interaction. (Z. Sobolewska-Mellibruda)
It should be noted that the studies of ACA and VDD did not unequivocally confirm the presence of specific specific, the same for all traits that would distinguish the population of people who grew up in alcoholic and other dysfunctional families. Therefore, it is impossible to argue that all children raised in dysfunctional families have serious problems and personality disorders.
Therefore, the "ACA syndrome" in the classifiers DSM-V and ICD-10 is not marked as a separate disease or personality disorder. The concept of ACA is used in psycho-psychotherapeutic practice to identify people from alcoholic (and dysfunctional) families who suffer from this in adulthood. Patients undergoing psychotherapy in health care settings generally receive a psychiatric diagnosis of Severe Stress Response and Adjustment Disorders (F43).
VDA / VDD typology
Several types of Adult Children of Alcoholics / Adult Children from Dysfunctional Families can be distinguished: alienated, sad, resentful, dependent, codependent, successful, with a sense of inferiority. (http://www.leczmy-alkoholizm.org/)
Alienated, as a rule, they do not realize that what they have experienced in their father's house continues to have a serious impact on them. They feel “different”, more complex and confused inside. In dealing with people, they show a high degree of control. They feel confidently that the environment evaluates them negatively.
Sad ... Many ACA / UDD are undergoing periodic treatment for depression. They often change drugs that do not bring them the relief they want and do not relieve their general depression. As a rule, they finish therapy with a psychologist after the first visit, as they are afraid to give up their long-accustomed helplessness and depression. Their memories are filled with painful experiences of loss. Traumatic childhood dramas are a source of indescribable grief and pain that cannot be extinguished with a pill.
Offended - some of the VDA / VDD realize that they were very badly injured in childhood. They experience grief, anger, bitterness and even hatred in their souls for the parent who drank or showed violence towards them. They feel wounded and perceive the world and people through the prism of their resentment.
Addicted ... There is a group of such ACA / UDD who themselves become addicted, using psychoactive substances. They begin to use because they cannot cope with difficulties and internal stress. They clearly transfer all family alcoholic and other traditions, ways of solving problems through consumption, into adulthood, in fact, completely copying it.
Codependents - these are children who grew up in alcoholic and dysfunctional families, who have been taking care and care of relatives since childhood (due to their dependence, illness, due to inversion of the hierarchy, etc.). As they grow up, they enter into relationships with people who should be taken care of (for example, with addicts, with seriously ill patients, etc.). They find life with a partner who does not require care and full dedication to be uninteresting and routine.
Successful - these are those VDA / VDD who serve in responsible and highly paid positions, are professionally successful. They will work with pleasure and high efficiency both for high pay and for “thank you”. With enviable success, they can solve complex problems under stress and under pressure. They are not afraid of difficult tasks and, when required, they boldly take risks. They are very responsible. The people around them are surprised and envious of their composure and inner calmness, not realizing how much what they see contradicts what is happening inside these people.
Defective ... It is possible to identify the "inferior" by the markers of self-humiliation and incompetence in communicating with the people around them. This is influenced by several factors: the “I am bad” image rooted from childhood, lack of positive experience of close relationships with people and lack of basic interpersonal skills (communication, building close relationships, resolving conflicts or misunderstandings).
Therapy for clients with ACA / UDV syndrome
Therapy ACA / UDD can be carried out in the form of individual or group psychotherapy.
Individual therapy involves one-on-one meetings with a psychologist-psychotherapist. The stages of individual therapy correspond in full to the stages of group therapy. Duration from 1 to 3 years.
Group therapy Is a process in which 3 stages should be distinguished.
Initially In therapy, it is important to deepen our understanding of how the traumatic experience of childhood influences our beliefs, behavior and ways of solving actual life problems and communication with people. The recommended methods and techniques of work at this stage are those that will allow you to investigate family history, to realize the “ancestral syndrome” and the peculiarities of the parental family that influenced our development, as well as who we are today.
The group form of work allows you to feel like others, to be understood, listened to and accepted. In a group, participants learn a special coexistence that serves their development. In such a group, it is easier to open up and later cope with strong emotions and experiences caused by memories, difficult traumatic experiences.
Second phase - in-depth therapeutic work aimed at catharsis of difficult emotional experiences that provoke memories of traumatic situations. This is work on the "festering wound" of the soul. Therapy helps to cleanse and heal it so that it no longer affects our lives.
At this stage, it is important to search for new and high-quality models of behavior and solutions to problem situations that have not been dealt with before.
The essence of this phase of therapy is a change in the image of oneself in the direction of a more real and positive perception of one's own personality - more adult, independent, possessing more resources than in childhood. You should focus on those situations of the past that make it difficult and impossible to use the current potential.
Stage three - planning and achieving real and local changes in life.
One should start with local (point, small) changes. Because this is the right way to make sure that what is planned is real. If the change is real, then you can move forward by planning a new one. If not, we must double-check our plans.
The role of the therapist and the group at this stage is to accompany and support the plans of the individual participants.
Participants are expected to achieve stable personality changes (neoplasms) over a period of 1.5 to 2 years. The duration of group psychotherapy, as a rule, takes from 6 to 12 months.
After psychotherapy ...
Immediately after therapy, participants experience local personal and life changes. Further, they overstep the next. As a rule, after a year or two, signals appear indicating changes in attitudes towards the world, towards life and oneself.
Clients report post-therapeutic neoplasms in various fields. First of all, the perception of themselves changes in situations of social interaction: they feel more confident, more conscious about their value and their competencies. This is due to an increase in the feeling of emotional balance, inner calmness. They are beginning to talk more and more about themselves positively and take care of their boundaries and needs.
The most important neoplasm after therapy is the willingness to take responsibility for your life. There is also a strong sense of confidence in the future.
P.S. Together with a visit to a psychotherapist and a professional therapy group, there is also the possibility of visiting the free anonymous groups of the ACA community ...
"It's never too late to have a happy childhood!"
About 50 years ago, the attention of researchers began to attract
problematic contingent of children who grew up in families of people suffering
alcohol addiction. It turned out that the relevance of this problem
we are caused not only by gross social maladjustment and victimization
the prevalence of this cohort, but also the significant prevalence of this
phenomena. So in the United States, about 40% of adults (about 76 million.
people) have a family of alcoholics. The proportion of children with
rykh at least one of the parents suffers from alcoholism (in the future
we will use the well-established formulation “adult children al-
coholics "(ACA)), in the United States, according to recent studies, the composition
It ranges from 1: 8 to 1: 5 (Jordan S., 2010). It should be noted that as the
the average age of the population cut, the share of ACA in it decreases
It is believed that reflects their shorter life expectancy. The ex-
trapolating the given global proportions to Russia, taking into account
the current trend in the level of alcoholization of the population can be said about
the fact that the number of VDA is from 25 to 50%.
The greatest interest in this little-studied phenomenon was noted by
Xia in the 60-80s of the last century, when the main
clinical and psychopathological patterns of the syndrome complex "adult
child of an alcoholic ", and also statistically determined the most probable
spectrum of comorbid pathology. At the end of XX - early XXI
century, the interest of researchers switched to the analysis of psychodynamic
and neurofunctional aspects of this multifaceted phenomenon
niya. There has been a shift in scientific interest in the last decade
from the problems of the individual to his relationship with the immediate environment
Clinical and psychopathological aspects. The most frequent "fa-
garden ", but, unfortunately, far from the only problem of ACA is
chemical dependencies. In various studies, there are many
it has been repeatedly proven that the risk of developing alcoholism in ACA is significantly
higher . Moreover, if you have a father who is addicted to alcohol, the risk
have alcohol dependence in children four times higher, with
addiction in the mother - three times.
The frequency of alcoholism according to various sources in adults
lykh sons is from 17 to 70%, in adult daughters of patients with al-
coholism - from 5 to 25%, drug addiction - about 6% and 3%, substance abuse -
approximately 17% and 5% respectively. Only 19.9% of adults
children whose parents are sick with alcoholism do not find any
or psychopathological disorders at the time of the family study
Also, in a number of studies it has been proven that ACA has a higher
pain syndrome, tic, runny nose, enuresis, insomnia, migraine
and runny nose, allergies, anemia, colds, weight problems, these
di have 60% more injuries and injuries during training in
at school, they are prone to aggressive and risky behavior. At that
while men from the ACA group in the spectrum of psychopathological
manifestations are dominated by narcological diseases, for women
the most typical are nosologies of neurotic and borderline
1st register. This includes post-traumatic injury and other related
stress disorder, as well as anxiety and depression disorders
sive spectra.
The question of the specificity of those associated with upbringing in the
mye ICAZ clinical and psychopathological patterns is a discussion
white and, most likely, open. Thus, a number of studies have shown
that a similar spectrum of manifestations exists in people who have grown up in all
dysfunctional families, especially in conditions of intrafamily
physical violence. S.L. Harter (2000) based on meta-analysis came
to the conclusion that the manifestation of the "ACA syndrome" is nonspecific, and K.J. Sher
(1997) suggested that comorbidity depends on the presence of
comorbid dependence of the disease in parents: for example, if the parents have
lei, in addition to alcoholism, there were traits of antisocial personality traits.
structure, then with a high probability it will be observed in their de-
tei, etc. Despite the controversy of some provisions and incomplete
structures
relationships
various
psychopathological manifestations in ACA, most researchers
agree on one thing: ACA are a risk group for the formation
a wide range of drug addiction and psychiatric diseases, and
also have a reduced level of social functioning: blurring, indistinct boundaries of various spheres of life,
personalities - children often do not know which of their feelings are normal, and which -
No; lose "the firmness of the psychological ground under their feet." Semi-
negative educational constructs caused by ACA as they grow up
Laziness will get in the way of building trust. IN
first of all, this will manifest itself in the difficulties of creating a marriage.
It has been proven that ACAs are less likely to marry / get married, and if they do, then they get married.
report less satisfaction with marriage and more frequent divorce
N.K. Radina (2003) cites data according to which
ACA less differentiated image of "I-real" in comparison with
boys and girls from ordinary families and the specifics of ideas about
to myself in ACA consists in the bipolarity of the role-playing set: to be an aggressor
or a victim.
It is well known that girls who grew up in ISAZ families are much
more often choose a man who is also dependent on alcohol as their husband
At the same time, the number of such elections is estimated at 60-70%, which on average occurs twice as often as among girls without a history of
family alcoholism. It is believed that due to growing up in
families where ignoring signs of alcohol dependence (rejection
tsanie) was habitual, girls who grew up in MCAZ families cannot
recognize the appropriate signs of this disease in their suitors
On the other hand, they are attracted to men who resemble their fathers.
In marriage, these girls have a higher risk of chemical addiction.
Or become codependent, tightly woven into a pathological se-
mea dynamics of addictive symbiosis.
In conclusion, we note that the contribution of ACA to suicidological
indicators have not been studied enough. Most of the studies are purely
ascertaining character, where the frequency of identification of parents is noted,
suffering from alcohol addiction, boys and girls,
who committed suicide. Until now, there has been no focus
and detailed studies concerning the antivitality of living
ACA, which would allow the creation of effective preventive
whether, both suicidal and drug addiction.
Thus, the role, place and significance of auto-aggression in families
ISAZ to date remain not fully clarified. This is
dictates, given the prevalence and interconnectedness of the
phenomena, further scientific research, partly
which are the own data presented in this work
Fedotov I.A.
Department of Psychiatry
GBOU VPO Ryazan State Medical University named after acad. I.P. Pavlova "Ministry of Health and Social Development
About 40 years ago, the attention of researchers began to attract the problematic contingent of people who grew up in families suffering from alcohol dependence - adult children of alcoholics (ACA). It turned out that the urgency of this problem is due not only to the gross social maladjustment and victimization of this cohort, but also to the significant prevalence of this phenomenon. So in the United States, about 40% of adults (about 76 million people) have a family of alcoholics. The percentage of children and adolescents with at least one parent suffering from alcoholism in the United States, according to recent studies, ranges from 1: 8 to 1: 5. Extrapolating the given global proportions to Russia, taking into account the current trend in the level of alcoholization of the population, we can say that the number of ACA is from 25 to 50%.
Psychopathological manifestations associated with the upbringing of alcohol addicts in a family. The negative influence of alcoholism of parents can be manifested already from the very birth in the form of “fetal alcohol syndrome”, which combines mental retardation and multiple organ somatic pathology. In childhood and adolescence, children from this risk group have a higher incidence of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and various neurotic disorders, which can later transform into a delineated personality disorder.
The most frequent "facade", but, unfortunately, far from the only problem of ACA is chemical dependence. It has been proven many times that the risk of developing alcoholism in ACA is higher. According to various sources, the frequency of alcoholism in adult sons ranges from 17 to 70%, in adult daughters of alcoholics - from 5 to 25%, drug addiction - about 6% and 3%, substance abuse - about 17% and 5%, respectively.
Another possible way of manifestation of negative messages received during the upbringing of alcoholics in a family may be the development of psychosomatic disorders. A number of studies have shown that ACA has a higher incidence of pain, tics, runny nose, enuresis, insomnia, migraine and runny nose, allergies, anemia, colds, weight problems. In addition, these people have 60% more injuries and injuries, and this is largely due to the fact that already during school they are prone to aggressive and risky behavior.
While in men from the ACA group, narcological diseases predominate in the spectrum of psychopathological manifestations, for women the most typical nosologies are of the neurotic and borderline register. This includes PTSD and other stress-related disorders, as well as anxiety and depressive spectrum disorders. Also, for more than a hundred years, psychiatrists have known that the presence of alcohol dependence in parents is a significant risk factor in the development of endogenous procedural mental diseases. Similar conclusions are reached in modern studies based on the principles of evidence-based medicine.
Neurophysiological and psychodynamic theories of pathogenesis. The contribution of genetic factors to the emergence of alcohol dependence in ACA is estimated at 40-60%. One of the mechanisms for the realization of hereditary predisposition is a violation of control of behavior and emotional response. In the implementation of these functions, the most important is the functional complex, consisting of the prefrontal and anterior parts of the temporal cortex, basal ganglia and thalamus, while the amygdala and ventral striatum are responsible for determining the sign of the emotional coloring of a behavioral act. One of the hypothetical mechanisms for predisposition to alcohol dependence is impaired control of impulsive and emotional behavior, which is reflected in impaired functioning of the corresponding areas. In ACA, neurofunctional changes in the functioning of the above brain regions have been shown, which was also found in their parents. Moreover, this dysfunction is not acquired as a result of alcohol abuse, but is congenital and implements a genetic predisposition.
Interesting in this light is also the hypothesis that the inheritance of alcohol dependence from parents by children can be realized by two mechanisms. The first is mainly through the genetic path of information transmission, in which, from birth, ACA has dysfunction in the front-striatum, which manifests itself first in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, then flows into antisocial personality disorder and ends with the debut of addiction.
The second is predominantly psychodynamic, in which the child takes addiction from his parents as a variant of a maladaptive regressive coping mechanism, in which alcohol addiction is a way to escape from solving life problems, which, in turn, leads to even greater social maladjustment (the so-called “vicious circle secondary alcoholism "). Children from alcoholic families already in the first 6 months of life, negative attachment patterns are characteristic: a low emotional response, a high level of negative reaction, rare positive messages to parents, and at the age of 18-36 months, they reveal obvious behavioral disorders with externalization and internalization of the conflict. At the same time, there is a difference in the influence exerted on the child, depending on who suffered from the addiction - the mother or the father. Alcohol dependence in the mother, in general, is more destructive, because it breaks the symbiotic relationship in the first years of life, when the foundations of the child's personal adaptation are laid. At the same time, a strong attachment to a healthy mother significantly reduces the negative impact of the father's alcoholism. In addition, children in families of alcoholics are more often victims of physical violence or incest, which is also an aggravating factor in the development of victimized personality traits. The dominant emotional reactions in these children are fear and hostility, which can subsequently become the cause of psychosomatic disorders and chemical addictions.
The alcoholic family is a family with contrasting rules: they are either too free or too strict. In such a family, the child begins to understand very early that alcoholism is a big family secret, and everything bad that is connected with it must be hidden. In fact, the disorganization brought about by parental alcoholism can never be completely hidden. The whole family, including the children, is trying to play the game: "Let's pretend that everything is good, let's hide all the bad things and thereby protect ourselves." Lies permeate all intra-family relationships and penetrate further, capturing a circle of friends and neighbors. Children know that people condemn drunkenness, that drunkards are bad parents. Therefore, children are trying with all their might to hide the "shame" of the family. They cannot talk frankly about family either with friends or with teachers. Secrecy, evasion, deceit become common components of their life. There are three basic rules or strategies in chemically dependent families: “Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel.”
The phenomenon of positive marital assortativeness. Girls from alcoholic families are much more likely to choose a man who is also dependent on alcoholism as their husband, their number is estimated at 60-70%. This phenomenon is called positive assortative mating. These women grew up in families where it was common to ignore the signs of alcoholism (denial), so they are not prepared to recognize the corresponding signs of the disease in their fiancés. They are attracted to men who remind them of their fathers. The pattern of behavior of a codependent mother is easily assimilated by a daughter. In marriage, these girls have a much higher risk of being chemically addicted, or becoming codependent, deeply entwined with the pathological family dynamics of addictive symbiosis. In this case, co-dependence should be understood as "psychological dependence, the subordination of one's I, one's feelings, expectations, beliefs and perception of reality to the state of a person who has a chemical dependence." For such a functioning, it is necessary to have a hyperfunctional and a hypofunctional, communicating according to the principle of complementarity. In this case, usually the husband takes the position of a defective, weak, defenseless person, and the wife is strong and dominant. It is in this arrangement of roles that one of the most popular psychological games in such families takes place - "The Rescuer".
Autoaggression in ACA. One of the most tragic endings of this kind of relationship is suicidal behavior. Mortality among people with alcohol dependence is 4 times higher than in the general population, with violent deaths, especially suicide, responsible for half of the deaths. ACA also shows a similar trend, with these patients' extreme vulnerability to breakups dating back to childhood, at a time when they often lacked parental support. Experienced breakups (due to death, divorce of parents or their departure from the family), along with social deprivation, alcoholism and often mental illness parents contribute to the emerging lack of “good” objects for identification. It interferes with the development of high self-esteem and adequate strategies for adjusting to life. Relationship problems in adult life, fraught with the threat of imminent breakup, often repeat the patterns of behavior learned in childhood and actualize previous feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness and anger. In this situation, to the point where suicidal behavior becomes the only way out. In addition, ACA is characterized by a high level of non-suicidal auto-aggression: frequent injuries, self-harm, accidents, etc.
Conclusion. From all the above, it becomes clear that ACA is a problematic contingent of patients in whom a wide range of psychopathological manifestations is reliably more common: from the level of psychological problems to psychoses and severe chemical addictions. There is no doubt that this situation is associated with their pathological heredity: both with congenital factors and with the peculiarities of upbringing in families of patients with alcohol dependence. And if we cannot yet influence the genetic path of transmission, then the psychodynamic aspects are quite within reach for correction and treatment.
Currently, the number of dysfunctional families in Russia is growing, one of the many reasons for this is the alcohol dependence of one or two parents at once. There can be many reasons for alcohol dependence in adults (hereditary predisposition, stressful lingering situations, difficult financial situation, etc.), but in this article I would like to talk about children who grow up and are brought up in such difficult conditions for the child's psyche.
In Russian statistics, there is a high frequency of manifestations of alcohol dependence of parents in families where a child with severe pathology was born (a gross form of cerebral palsy, blindness, deafness, profound or severe mental retardation, early childhood autism). Sometimes such a tragedy does not immediately lead parents to alcoholism. Indeed, in this case, it is important not only the fact of the parents' awareness of the birth of a disabled child in their family, but also the understanding by the parents of the process of upbringing, training, professional development and family self-determination of a “special child” in our country.
Currently, the education system in Russia is set in such a way that, unfortunately, it is very difficult to find a place in the system of upbringing and education (preschool, school, secondary and higher vocational education) for a child who needs special educational conditions. If one (health) tragedy entails another (alcoholic) one, educators and psychologists working with children with disabilities should know the basic concepts within the framework of “alcohol dependence and codependency”. It is necessary for teachers to take into account in their correctional and developmental work the peculiarities of the social development of this category of families, to know the factors influencing the formation of a child's personality in a family weighed down by alcohol dependence , as well as the types of reactions of children to a family of this kind.
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FEATURES OF FORMATIONPERSONALITY OF A CHILD IN THE FAMILY,WEIGHTENED ALCOHOLIC DEPENDENCE
Currently, the number of dysfunctional families in Russia is growing, one of the many reasons for this is the alcohol dependence of one or two parents at once. There can be many reasons for alcohol dependence in adults (hereditary predisposition, stressful lingering situations, difficult financial situation, etc.), but in this article I would like to talk about children who grow up and are brought up in such difficult conditions for the child's psyche.
In Russian statistics, there is a high frequency of manifestations of alcohol dependence of parents in families where a child with severe pathology was born (a gross form of cerebral palsy, blindness, deafness, profound or severe mental retardation, early childhood autism). Sometimes such a tragedy does not immediately lead parents to alcoholism. Indeed, in this case, it is important not only the fact of the parents' awareness of the birth of a disabled child in their family, but also the understanding by the parents of the process of upbringing, training, professional development and family self-determination of a “special child” in our country.
Currently, the education system in Russia is set in such a way that, unfortunately, it is very difficult to find a place in the system of upbringing and education (preschool, school, secondary and higher vocational education) for a child who needs special educational conditions. If one tragedy (of health) entails another (alcoholic) one, educators and psychologists working with children with disabilities should know the basic concepts within the framework of “alcohol dependence and codependency”. It is necessary for teachers to take into account in their correctional and developmental work the peculiarities of the social development of this category of families, to know the factors influencing the formation of the personality of a child in a family weighed down by alcohol dependence, as well as the types of reactions of children to a family of this kind.
DEFINITION OF TERMS: ALCOHOLIC FAMILY, DEPENDENCE
Scientific research and medical practice have convincingly proved the negative impact of alcohol intoxication of the fetus and genetic burden on the further development of the child. However, the impact of alcohol abuse on offspring is not limited to this. Even if the problem of alcoholism appeared in the family after the birth of the child, the development of his personality will still be deformed, but already under the influence of social factors.
All families with an alcoholic patient aredysfunctional.Despite the external differences in the life of such a family (the material and educational level of the spouses, their social status, events and circumstances), the essence of what is happening is the same. In these families, there is always tension, anxiety, a sense of chaos and unpredictability, mental pain. The needs of children are constantly not met, since parents are not available to children either simply physically (for example, a drinking father is little at home), or emotionally: for example, during a period of sobriety, the father thinks about how to drink, and the mother is absorbed in thoughts of how to keep husband from drinking. Alcoholism is the center of the family, around which all the thoughts, feelings, actions and actions of the rest of its members are concentrated. Regardless of whether only one of the parents or other family members drinks in the family, alcoholism is a family disease. This is because alcoholic behavior distorts relationships so much,so affects the emotional climate that all close people who live with him under the same roof become sick, worry about him and love him.
Sure, a family where both parents are alcoholics, is the object, first of all, of social measures: an appeal to the board of trustees on the issue of placing children in a boarding school or a round-the-clock kindergarten, referring parents to treatment for alcoholism, etc. There are significantly fewer such families than those where one of the parents.Families where an alcoholic is the wife , and the husband does not abuse alcohol, as a rule, there is a very short period of time. This is, in fact, a transitional stage, as the husband will soon take the children and leave such a woman. In the worst case, children are left to live with an alcoholic mother, and then again the question of transferring children to the care of social structures arises.
The most common with us is thistype of families with alcohol dependence, where the husband abuses alcohol,and his wife seeks to save him, to return him to the right path. Why should such a family be called alcoholic? becausethe wife in such a family is codependent on her husband's alcoholism, and this is also a disease.
Codependency
Codependency - This is a personal education that develops in the wives of alcoholics as a result of prolonged exposure to stress and concentration on the problems of the husband, up to self-denial and ignorance of their responsibilities towards children.
Codependent spouses do not know where the personality of one ends and the personality of the other begins. The wives of alcoholics have blurred the boundaries of their "I". They are so absorbed in the responsibility for their spouse that they lose themselves, suppress their needs and feelings, as it were, "freeze" them, which contributes to an increase in the tolerance of emotional pain.
Despite constant conflicts, quarrels, scandals, negative experiences (fear, anger, shame, anxiety, despair), codependent spouses are closely bonded emotionally.
Codependency - a psychological phenomenon, meaning a symbiotic relationship between loved ones, one of whom is sick with alcoholism.This relationship is disharmonious., are destructive for both, but at the same time, the spouses cannot end this relationship. Disharmony manifests itself in an emotional state, which is often the opposite of a husband and wife: when one is in good mood, the other - in the bad, or one strives for intimacy, and the other keeps his distance, etc.
A symbiotic relationship between spouses is a union in whichhusband and wife take turns in dominant and subordinate positions.For example, for a wife, a dominant position means: “While you feel bad, I feel stronger, I can control you, I have little threat; educating, caring for you, “saving” you, I build a building of self-respect, manipulate you, and am responsible for your life. " The husband, being at this time in a subordinate position, feels something like the following: “My life has failed, I can’t do anything and must rely on you. Save me! As long as you are in a dominant position, I feel protected, but also insulted, which can justify my behavior. In any case, you are responsible for my life. " Usually, such a ratio of the spouses' positions happens when the husband is in a sober state (especially "with a hangover"). When the husband is drunk again, the positions change: the husband takes revenge for his humiliation, proves (by means available to him in such a state) his significance, power over his wife, and she, fearing this aggression, “fades away”, takes a subordinate position.
Identification with the husband leads the codependent spouse to the fact thatshe suffers for both.Since alcoholism is perceived by us as a vice,wife is ashamed of her husband's behavioras much as if it were her behavior. Afraid of humiliation and condemnation of others, womanwith all his might tries to hide her husband's drunkenness. Alcoholism is a big family secret... “Nobody should beforewondering what a nightmare is going on in my house. The worse it is with my husband, the higher I hold my head in public, smile and laugh the loudest ”- this is the line of behavior of codependent wives. They try to justify the husband in front of relatives, looking for reasons that excuse his behavior; call to work and tell him that he is sick when he is drunk; make sure that the appearance of the husband does not betray his drunkenness; ask her husband to drank better at home, etc.
The constant need to lead a double life (play the role of a prosperous woman at work, when hell is at home) graduallyleads the codependent wife to the habit of lying... She deceives not only strangers, but also children, her husband, believing that only a lie can help out in difficult situations. Alcoholics' wives are also easyallow themselves to be deceivedbelieving the next promises of her husband that he will quit drinking. Codependent wivesinherent efficiency perception - they hear and see what they want to see and hear, they believe not what is real, but what coincides with what is desired. This destructive, destructive process of self-deception and dishonesty in interpersonal relationships leads to personality degradation. However, this situation can continue for many years.
Being in a symbiotic emotional union with an alcoholic husband,the wife seeks to protect him from adversity and criticism of other people, since she perceives his pain as her own own. The fact that her husband drinks, she blames his friends and colleagues, puts forward various circumstances that "brought him to drunkenness", for example, troubles at work, troubles in solving the housing issue, son's failure in school, etc. Similarly, just as the patient does not see the connection between his drunkenness and the problems that arise as a result of this, so the codependent wife denies the powerlessness of her husband over alcohol. She believes that everything depends on the wishes of her husband, and takes offense when he is called an alcoholic.
In an effort to get the husband to give up alcohol, the wife begins to control his behavior, lead him and the life of the whole family... For example, she takes on the work that a man should do in the house; tries to earn more in order to maintain the material level of the family; controls finances, while hiding real income and depriving her husband of money so that he does not spend it on vodka. Trying to preserve his social status, the wife makes every effort to keep her husband at work, or arranges for him to a new job; in order to fill her husband's free time, he seeks to find a hobby for him, for example, buys sports equipment, a camera, carpentry tools, etc .; uses sexual relations as a tool to control her husband. Finally, she persuades him to drink a little, not go to his friends without her, drinks with him so that he is not so drunk, or, on the contrary, screams and swears, pours vodka into the sink, etc. Fear and anxiety for her husband, pity for him prompts the wife to babysit him, to comfort him when he regrets his behavior, to clean up and wash after him after he vomits or worse.
Taking full responsibility for her husband, the codependent wifefeels indispensable... This naturally fuels her sense of self-worth,confidence that the husband is without herwill not be able to live... And at the same time, a codependent wifeis terrified of being abandoned. For her it is incomprehensible that a husband can do without herbecause it destroys her whole picture of the world. Suchambivalence of feelingscharacteristic of the wives of alcoholics and in other spheres of relationships. They areoften rush from one extreme to another: from love to hate, from mood elevation to depression, from maximum control over family life to complete connivance, etc. Thereforethe behavior of a codependent wife is often contradictoryand is devoid of elementary logic. For example, she bitterly complains about her husband that he is a drunkard and drinks all the money, and then she herself buys him a "bottle" to reward him for good behavior. The woman calls the police with a complaint that her husband beat her, and then she herself takes the statement. She can say: "Stroll wherever you want, I don't care," and then she starts looking for him and calling all her acquaintances.
The specific influence of an alcoholic husband causes the following emotional manifestations in a woman: shame, anxiety and fear, lingering despair (a feeling of powerlessness, a pessimistic view of the world, a feeling of defeat in life), a feeling of anger at her husband, at herself, at children, at everyone around. Constant negative emotions lead to neurotic disorders and somatic diseases. As a rule, the wives of alcoholics have neuroses, depression, dysphoria, affective states, they suffer from diseases digestive system(colitis, peptic ulcer), hypertension, headaches, etc.
Naturally, all these negative consequences of a woman's codependency affect her relationship with children. It is no coincidence that children, if the alcoholic father is not aggressive, in 8 cases out of 10 prefer to communicate with him, and not with the mother, who does not drink at all. This is due to the fact that the mother, withstanding colossal overloads, simply does not have the strength to listen to the children, play with them. Most often, she is tired, irritated, grumpy, and inconsistent.
Thus, if one of the spouses in the family is an alcoholic, then the other is also sick with codependency. In foreign literature, this term is called "coalcoholism».
The similarity between alcoholism and codependency is manifested in the fact that both are painful conditions, leading to the degradation of a person's moral character, to disorders in the emotional, mental and somatic spheres. Both with alcoholism and with codependency, anosognosia is noted: the husband does not want to admit that he is an alcoholic, the wife is unable to comprehend that her behavior aggravates the dysfunction of the family.
SOCIAL SITUATION OF CHILD DEVELOPMENT IN ALCOHOLIC FAMILY
In order to survive in a family weighed down by alcohol addiction, the child must develop appropriate attitudes and norms of behavior. Since such a family is dysfunctional, the child's attitudes and forms of behavior will be maladaptive.
Research showsthat for children of alcoholics the risk of alcoholism is extremely high... So, according to different authors, the frequency of alcoholism occurs up to 86.7% in sons and up to 25% in daughters whose parents abused alcohol. The risk is also high in relation to drug addiction. Thus, the study of the heredity of drug addicts showed that 35.8% of their relatives (first degree of relationship) abused alcohol. This is more than three times the highest data on the prevalence of alcoholism in the population - from 2 to 10%.
However, alcoholism and drug addiction do not exhaust all manifestations of maladaptive behavior of children from alcoholic families. Psychopathies, affective disorders, borderline mental disorders, deviations in personal development and deviant behavior (from delinquent to criminal) - this is a list of the consequences of the social situation of a child's development in a family weighed down by alcohol addiction. Naturally, some of these consequences may be due to the influence of genetic factors, and some - by the upbringing system in these families.
The originality of raising children in an alcoholic family is determined by its dysfunction. The reason for dysfunction, as already noted, is that everything revolves around alcohol: the father is dependent on it (mentally or already physically), and the mother is codependent on the father's alcoholism. The social situation of a child's development in such a family naturally appears as a derivative of the behavior and mood of the parents, of their problems.
Consider the main factors influencing the formation of a child's personality in a family weighed down by alcohol addiction.
Family secret
The fact that the father abuses alcohol is a big family secret. The wife hides it not only from outside world, but she also tries with all her might to hide from children, especially while they are still small and, as she believes, do not understand anything. With all her behavior, sometimes with words, and more often non-verbally (with facial expressions, gestures, intonations), the mother makes it clear that children should not “wash dirty linen in public” thatyou should not tell anyone about what is happening with father. Growing up, children begin to ask questions, since everything bad in the family associated with the father's alcoholism cannot be hidden. Butthe mother never discusses this problem with the childrenfamilies. Even the word “alcoholism” is not pronounced, since the mother, being codependent, does not recognize the father as sick. If, for example, a child asks why dad came so late yesterday, why he screamed and cursed, and mom cried, then most often he does not receive an answer. “Don't think about it, everything is fine,” “Don't interfere in the affairs of adults, you are still small,” the mother replies approximately.
Gradually, watching how the mother shields his father, how she deceives others all the time, hiding his drunkenness, the child gets used to the fact that lies, evasions are a common element of life.He is more and more accustomed to the fact that adults say one thing and do another.For example, a father always makes promises: to his wife that he will quit drinking, to his son that he will go fishing with him, etc., but he never fulfills this. The mother demands that the son always tell the truth, but when he once decided to consult with her, is it possible to tell the teacher that he had not learned his lessons, because they left the drunken dad with his mother for the whole evening in the cinema, then mother was very scared and said that he would write a note to school, as if his son had a headache.
Very early on, children begin to understand that drunkenness is a shame, that people condemn drunkards, laugh at them. Therefore, children do their best to hide what their father drinks. This is explained not only by the fact that the child loves his father, that believing in a “bad dad” is beyond his strength.Even if the child already hates his father, he hides his drunkenness, because he is ashamed of this, believing that the stain of shame lies on the whole family. Therefore, children cannot speak frankly about theirfamily with no friends or teachers... The child is afraid that they will laugh at him, tease or condemn him, or at least feel sorry for him. Even the thought of it gives him a burning shame. Hence, difficulties arise in communication: a child in tension is waiting for the moment when one of his friends will say: "Let's play with you today." Since it is never known whether a father will come home drunk or sober, then inviting friends to his place is too big a risk of being exposed and humiliated.
In the life of an alcoholic family, so much is built on lies that the child begins to lose orientation, it is difficult for him to understand what is around is real and what is not. By observing the constant discrepancy between what is happening in the house and what is said to him, children begin to distrust what they see, hear and feel.... Denial is almost intrusive... This is because it is easier to deny reality than face it. The whole family is playing a game: "Let's pretend that everything is good, let's hide all the bad and protect ourselves." Despite all the horror of what is happening, the word "game" is really the most appropriate here. Because being serious means admitting your powerlessness over alcohol and seeking help.
Unpredictability, fear and anxiety
In an alcoholic family, the atmosphere is characterized by chaos and unpredictability.There is no constancy in anything: neither in the behavior of the parents, nor within the bounds of what is permitted, nor in caring for the child (both physical and in attention, emotional closeness), nor in the reaction of parents to the behavior of children.
Every time, returning home, the child suffers from bad feelings. He is never sure what he will find at home: has his father already come or not? Is he sober or drunk? Are they quarreling (fighting) with mom or mom has already left, slamming the door? Never knowing what awaits him today, the child feels hopeless. He does not want to go home, he walks the streets until late, delaying this moment. But the expectation that something terrible is about to happen at home does not leave him: “If I don’t go home, then I’m like a rat escaping from a sinking ship. How will they do without me? They need me, ”the child thinks, worried about his loved ones.
Quarrels, conflicts (and even fights) between parents have a traumatic effect on the child... Constantly observing how parents argue, argue, make noise, provoke each other, children at first experience it hard. It doesn't matter what the fight was about. A child, especially a small one,looking for a solution to the problem within himself.He is inclined to believe that the quarrel was his fault. Desperately trying to reconcile the people most dear to him, the child prefers that his parents scold him better, but only together, amicably. Therefore, some children unconsciously strive to be punished, so that their parents unite (albeit in indignation) about their bad behavior.
Conflicts, quarrels, aggression and violence are also family secrets. Directly, and more often indirectly, the mother makes it clear to the child that this should not be told to anyone. Even if a child has been beaten by his drunken father, he usually hides it because he is ashamed of his father's behavior. This can go on for many years. We remind you that the mother, being herself codependent on her husband's alcoholism, is not able to really assess the situation. Therefore, she does not discuss these problems with the child.
Alternating education. Communication incongruity
Emotional inaccessibility of parents, the absence of tender, warm relationships with them, the need to suppress their feelings and hide their own experiences is aggravated by the fact that in alcoholic families, alternating education dominates, combined with incongruence in communication.
The volatility, unpredictability and chaos prevailing in the family causelack of clear restrictions for the child. It is difficult for children to learn how to behave, since their actions are not assessed objectively, but according to the mood of the parents, which, in turn, depends on the statealcohol problems... For example, when a father is sober, he is attentive to his son, makes something with him, fixes his bicycle ... Feeling guilty for his drunkenness, the father is even overly indulgent in a sober interval: he allows him to skip school, does not scold him for "deuces" , buys candy. However, when the father gets drunk, the father becomes aggressive, he scolds his son, who asked him to explain the problem, he can beat him for a "deuce", for skipping lessons, or break the same bicycle because the son stood up for his mother. Mom can also be different: sometimes she is cheerful, friendly, she permits everything, and more often she is tense, anxious, crying, or irritated and angry - then it is better not to approach her and not to be seen at all.
Inconsistent behavior can even be contained in one activity. This happens in casesincongruent communication,that is, when words do not correspond to intonation, movements and other means of non-verbal communication. For example, a child with tears ran to his mother complaining about his father: "Well, what have I done wrong, why did he shout at me?" “Don't cry, you're good, get out of here, go for a walk in the yard,” the mother replies, making repulsive movements with her hands. Such a mixed message, that is, information with a double meaning, baffles the child. If mom hugged him to her, asked how it was, figured out the situation with him, explained what was what, and then consoled, encouraged, the son would feel protected, loved, needed by his mother. But when she simultaneously, as it were, consoles, but at the same time repels, drives away from herself, the child does not know which part of her message to believe. He begins to think that his mother does not really love him, that he is a burden to her and no one needs him.
Blurring, indistinctness of the boundaries that determine the behavior of the child, the absence of traditions, norms and rules in the family, the contradictory attitude of the parents - all this deprives the child of solid psychological ground, stability, moral guidelines of behavior... The constant feeling of confusion, separation from the closest people, insecurity deprives the child of a reliable foundation, relying on which one can learn to know oneself, make free decisions, learn to overcome difficulties.
Lack of attention to the child
In a family weighed down by alcohol addiction, the child constantly feels a lack of attention to himself. Indeed, a mother, absorbed in thoughts of her husband's drunkenness, devoting all her energy to hiding family secrets, to solving financial problems, to household chores, rarely has the time and energy to take care of the child. Best case scenario , she makes sure that her son or daughter is well fed, dressed, taught her homework, but she has no time to delve into their problems, do something interesting with the children, go for a walk with them, play, have fun, just sit and talk. At worst , lack of care and attention to the child becomes a parenting style. Then, instead of support and benevolent interest in themselves on the part of their parents, children meet either irritation, anger (“You’re doing everything wrong!”), Or an indifferent, disinterested attitude (“Enough, get out of here, I'm tired of you”). All this gives the child a feeling of his unnecessary, he feels rejected, unwanted. Many children develop an obsessive fear of abandonment.
A passionate desire to feel care for oneself, the love of parents, while remaining dissatisfied, gives rise to mental impairment of the child. Young children often begin to think that they are the cause of all the troubles in the family. As he grows older, the child thinks something like this: “If it weren't for me, my mother would not have had to work so much, she would not have been so tired and exhausted. She could have parted ways with her father and live on her own, well and calmly, because how many times has she told her dad that she endures all this for the sake of the family, so that the child has a father. " So there is a feeling of guilt, awkwardness for their existence in general. Children can feel guilty both for the drunkenness of their father, and for the duality of their feelings for him - for the confusion of love and hatred.
Trying to somehow find a way out of the situation, the child thinks: "If I studied better, behaved well, then mom and dad would quarrel less with each other, then dad would probably stop drinking and everything would be fine." Some children do start struggling to earn the praise of their parents. They do well in school, do housework, and take care of themselves and their younger siblings. In fact, such a child takes on the functions of an adult that are not characteristic of his age. However, seeing that all this does not in any way affect the father's alcoholism and does not even arouse sincere gratitude from the mother, the child experiences a bitter sense of frustration. In fact, the mother is very glad that the child is growing up good, she is grateful to him, but she does not know how to directly and openly express her feelings - to praise, hug, kiss, because her feelings are “frozen”. On the contrary, having got used to the fact that everything is bad in her life, she begins to point out the shortcomings in the work of her son or daughter. The child, on the other hand, feels crushed, devastated and insignificant. Children who are treated as if they are "nothing" begin to perceive themselves as well. After all, a child treats himself the way his people close to him treat him. The deeply rooted sense of guilt, chronic dissatisfaction with psychological (and even material) needs, a feeling of abandonment, shame for his father, which the child transfers to himself - all this creates conditions for the formation of low self-esteem, rejection of the image of "I".
The similarity of the social situation of a child's development in a family weighed down by alcohol addiction does not yet determine the uniformity of the personality traits of such children. Despite the fact that all children are influenced by the above influences from their parents, they react to it in different ways. Depending on the type of nervous system, from individual characteristics, character, abilities, children develop a different style of behavior.
TYPES OF CHILDREN'S REACTIONS TO ALCOHOLIC SITUATION IN THE FAMILY
At the heart of different types the child's response to the situation in the alcoholic family lies a single powerful need: to draw the parents' attention to themselves, to achieve their love. Intuitively, the child feels that the father's drunkenness is an obstacle to the satisfaction of this longing desire. Indeed, most often it is because of this that mom and dad quarrel, and then they have no time for a child. Therefore, children are trying with all their might to make sure that drunkenness leaves their home, and their parents live in harmony, and use various methods for this. Having failed, realizing the futility of their hopes and efforts, they also react in different ways.
In the domestic scientific literature, unfortunately, there are practically no works devoted to the process of the formation of the personality of children in alcoholic families. Therefore, in presenting information about this, we mainly use the typology developed by American scientists. Research by V.D. Moskalenko (1991), as well as the experience of working with children from families of alcoholics N.Yu. Maksimova and E.L. Milyutina show that the types of response presented below are also observed in children who grew up in the conditions of our culture.
Problem child, or "rebel", "scapegoat"
The problem child corresponds exactly to the common ideas about what children from alcoholic families are like. This does not mean that such children are in the majority. It's just that their problems are in plain sight. They all scold and "educate" - from neighbors and teachers to the local policeman.Difficult is the usual definition of such children.Indiscipline, rudeness, cruelty and arrogance are the features of such children. At school, they study poorly, shirk from work, easily fall into antisocial groups, where they soon begin to smoke, consume alcohol, and drugs. If this is a girl, then she, as a rule, begins sexual activity early, she may have promiscuous casual relationships, an unplanned pregnancy. Why is this happening?
The reaction of problem children to the alcoholic situation in the family can be briefly characterizedlike a riot, a protest against unbearable living conditions.Experiencing shame and fear that others might reveal their family's secret,such a child tries to hide his feelings under the guise of rude, defiant behavior. Aggression and impudence, he seems to defend himself from other people, from their possible (or rather, imagined by him) ridicule and suspicion.
Even earlier, as a toddler, such a child feels Inattention to himself. By the looks, the touch of the mother, by her mood, and even more by the behavior of his father, he senses that something is wrong in the house. This creates anxiety, emotional tension. Growing up, the child is increasingly experiencing situations in the family, because of his abandonment, rejection. The inability to express all this, the need to suppress their resentment and anger, lead to a feeling of protest.
At the same time, the prohibition on the expression of feelings existing in the family, the absence of conditions for the formation of empathy determinesdevelopment of cruelty... Such children like to offend the younger, weaker, torment animals.
The saddest thing is that when faced with condemnation from adults, problematicchild does not tryimprove your behavior... He, as it were, deliberately commits offenses, thereby achieving two goals at once: 1) to attract the attention of parents; 2) at least for a while to reconcile the parents, uniting them with a common experience.
Here is an example given by V.D. Moskalenko (1991).
Pavlik told me one, at first glance, a trifling scene. He was then still seven years old. The whole family gathered for dinner, which they rarely have. And if a common conversation would flow at their table, if everyone felt attention to himself ... But the mother sawed his father for yesterday's drunkenness, the father made excuses. Nobody paid attention to Pavlik. Then he spilled milk on the table. As he fervently assured me, the glass overturned itself. I think he spilled it on purpose. However, he could have knocked over the glass unconsciously, and then it would be like accidentally. It doesn't matter how he knocked over the glass of milk. What matters is what effect it has on the parents. They immediately stopped quarreling, drew attention to the boy, both scolded their son for inaccuracy. The quarrel is over! The goal has been achieved.
This is how the scapegoat stereotype emerges. At the subconscious level, a connection is fixed in the child: in order to end the terrible situation in the house, something must be done so that the parents are distracted from the problems associated with alcoholism and start raising their son or daughter. Having learned this, the child is not afraid to commit risky acts, he behaves more and more defiantly, since the negative attention of the parents is still preferable to him than the feeling of rejection and abandonment.
Parents are also willing to join this game. When a son or daughter gives rise to attacks, their attention shifts from the problems of the family to the problems of the child. So, for example, the father claims that he drinks because he cannot survive the shame of his daughter, who gave birth at the age of 15. Father and mother become close-knit, unanimously resent for the troubles they cause. A son or daughter, as it were, absorbs all the family's misfortunes, becomes a "scapegoat". Whatever such a child does, he cannot avoid nagging, remarks, criticism and abuse of parents.
In turn, children playing the role of a "scapegoat" do everything in spite of their father and mother, get angry, rude to them. In this way, they give vent to their anger, which has accumulated since early childhood, over the years of grievances they have experienced and are now experiencing.
Formed stereotypes of maladapted behavior, the problem child also transfers to an extrafamily environment... IN kindergarten he is scolded by educators, at school - by teachers, in the yard - by neighbors. Good kids don't want to be friends with him. The feeling that not only parents but also other people's adults do not like him, as it were, "adds fuel to the fire." He more and more feels like a social outcast, more and more embittered and dreams of revenge.Only a street company of the same outcasts is the only place where he feels like home. The opinion of friendsbecomes a real regulator of behavior... Together they feel strong and protected and now they are challenging society, taking revenge on everyone and everything. In such groups, children start smoking, drinking alcohol and drugs early. This is understandable, since they simply do not know other ways to relieve psychological discomfort, improve mood and enjoyment.
It is the group of problem children that further gives the greatest percentage of alcoholics, individuals with psychopathic development, delinquents and criminals.
"Clown", "clown" or family favorite
Not all children react to living conditions in an alcoholic family with rebellion, protest, and defiant behavior. After all, protection from a traumatic situation can be not only anger, but also laughter, humor. To close one's eyes to insoluble problems and insurmountable difficulties, to reduce everything to a joke, to distract from the unsightly reality with pranks and jokes - this is also protection. Life-loving, active children find just such a way of adaptation in an alcoholic family.
Here is how V.D. Moskalenko (1991):
When parents got tired of scolding their older brother, they returned to their problems. Then the situation in the house became so tense that you could even cut it with a knife. Valera, a cheerful, lively boy, could not stand this for a long time. He could not stand the silence of his parents, the adamant and unapproachable look of his dad, his mother's tear-stained eyes. He wanted everyone to be happy and good. And he tried to do it as best he could: he would turn upside down, then make a funny face, then tell an anecdote. Parents will laugh, and the mood in the house will immediately brighten at least for a while. True, it happened that the parents, on the contrary, were angry with Valera, saying that he had stupid jokes, that his antics were out of place, but he was not particularly upset about this. All the same, his goal was achieved: the parents stopped quarreling and paid attention to Valera ...
This is approximately the mechanism of the emergence and strengthening of the child's “clown” -type defense reaction to the situation in an alcoholic family.Usually the younger brother takes on this role (sister), who, due to his age, is not taken seriously for a long time and is treated condescendingly and good-naturedly. An only child may have such a role if he is still treated like a small child, although he is almost a teenager. This developmental option is usually combined with impulsivity as the main characteristic of behavior. Such children do not know how to restrain their impulses, desires, they strive for immediate satisfaction of needs. If this fails, then the psychological defense is triggered by the depreciation of the object of need, and the experience of one's failure is neutralized by humor, a joke.
Perhaps, each class has its own "clown", that is, a student who attracts attention with his clownish behavior: fooling around in the classroom, mimicking teachers, making everyone laugh, arranging all sorts of jokes, all sorts of original tricks. Such children study unevenly: if they like the subject, have a mood, they can get A's, and if they don't want to, they can even abandon their studies.
Teachers tend to dislike these children.... Why love them? Frivolous, irresponsible, uncollected, you don't know what to expect from them the next moment. Such children are incapable of prolonged, volitional effort, painstaking persistent work, they do not want and do not know how to overcome difficulties.
The origin of these shortcomings is quite explainable by the style of relationships in the alcoholic family: the lack of clear regulation of behavior, the blurring of the boundaries of what is permitted, alternating upbringing, and finally, the inability of parents to overcome difficulties and be responsible for their actions. Without an example of adequate behavior in situations of difficulty in satisfying needs, a child cannot learn to overcome difficulties and find a productive way out in solving life problems. Therefore, he prefers to get away from difficulties, close his eyes to troubles and troubles, and protect himself with laughter.
However, despite the fact that the external behavior of such children seems frivolous, carefree and cheerful, in fact they are experiencing difficult experiences. Behind the buffoon's mask lies mental pain, anxiety, anger, burning shame and fear of being exposed. After all, the role of a joker, a witty merry fellow, the first instigator of funny tricks in the class, the student plays so that no one knows the secret of their family, and how bad he really is.
The habit of avoiding problem solving, hiding your true feelings by acting likeartist, over the years it becomes more and more stronger and extends to all spheres of life.For example, already being a teenager, such a child tries to achieve what he wants not by his own labor, by intensifying his efforts, but by manipulating others.
However, this behavior cannot help out forever. Sooner or later, people "catch" such an "artist" and become disappointed in him, stop trusting him and take him seriously. This, in turn, reinforces Valera's inadequate reactions to life's difficulties. He begins to feel sorry for himself more and more and look for ways to improve manipulative behavior.
Unfortunately, it does not occur to Valera that instead of inventing all sorts of tricks, one should act differently: calmly and comprehensively consider the situation, assess the difficulties and begin to overcome them.
But Valera does not know what appropriate behavior should be. Nobody taught him this. He has not formed a sense of responsibility for himself and his actions, which means that he does not have the skill of introspection and self-improvement. Therefore, when faced with difficulties, he prefers to avoid problems; when faced with a negative assessment of others, to justify and feel sorry for oneself, to blame others. For example, Valera may think that his father “does not give him a livelihood”, commands him, finds fault with the fact that Valera does not say “Good morning!”, “ Goodnight”,“ Thank you, ”scolds when Valera comes home after twelve o'clock in the morning, etc. At the same time, Valera has no idea that in any normal family the same requirements are imposed on children. He believes that if the father drinks, then his, Valera, his shortcomings are quite forgivable. Compared to my father's drunkenness, these are just little things that you shouldn't pay attention to.
Thus, a child who reacts to the situation in an alcoholic family like "clown", "jester" grows up as a person with a complex character. He, like a problem child, is threatened by social maladjustment. Impulsiveness, irresponsibility, lack of coping skills - all this often leads to frustration. The emerging negative emotional states are aggravated by the fact that the teenager does not know how to look for productive ways out of traumatic situations. Therefore, in order to relieve psychological discomfort, he most often resorts to a "tried and tested" remedy known from childhood - to alcohol or other psychotropic substances.
Teenagers of this category easily enter asocial groups, where they are loved for their wit, jokes, where no one demands responsibility, self-criticism and the ability to work from them. It is here that they begin to smoke, drink, use drugs, learn to earn their living by fraud, theft and other illegal ways.
The "meek" or "lost" child
This category of children includes those who, experiencing a situation in an alcoholic family, no matter how much they have the strength either to protest (riot), or to try to influence the mood of their parents with a joke, humor, or an unexpected surprise. These are children who cannot withstand the emotional overloads that are constant in an alcoholic family, and, as it were,disconnect from reality, go into the world fantasies, dreams Such a reaction to a prolonged stressful situation is observed in children with a weak type of nervous system. Studies show that it is among the "meek" children from families of alcoholicsgirls predominate.
Psychological withdrawal from unsightly reality is due to the fact that it is easier for a child to live in a fictional world than in a real one.He begins to fantasize about how wonderful life would be in their family if the father did not drink, how the parents would treat each other if ... how wonderful he would be friends with his father if ... how good they could play with their classmates at his house, if ... Often dreams also concern the future. The child all the time hopes that something is about to happen or someone will pass away - and immediately everything in their family will be fine. He also paints pictures of the future for himself, when he grows up, becomes famous, strong, does something outstanding, for which everyone will love and respect him. And then the parents will understand how unfair they were to him, and will regret that they did not pay attention to him at all, and will finally say that they need him and they love him.
Mental withdrawal from the situation is reflected in behavior.... Such a child, as it were, is trying to "get lost", to get out of the sight of the parents. He never intervenes in their conflicts (quarrels, fights), trying to protect the mother, as is typical of a "rebel", does nothing to relieve the tension of the family atmosphere, as the "clown" does. On the contrary, the “lost” child most often huddles in some corner and sits there quietly for hours with a toy, a book and his dreams.
The “meek” child behaves just as imperceptibly at school. He tries not to bother anyone and becomes, as it were, invisible. Teachers cannot remember his name and clearly describe his appearance. The only thing that teachers can say about such a child is that he is absent-minded and inattentive.
Indeed, it is difficult for a child to concentrate, to be active and attentive during the lesson. The need for a volitional effort associated with overcoming difficulties in assimilating new educational material causes psychological discomfort in the girl, which is quite natural for every child. But if in a normal family the child is taught to overcome difficulties and he forces himself to work, anticipating success, the joy of victory and the praise of his parents, then Luda unconsciously acts quite differently. Faced in the teacher's explanation with something incomprehensible or just tired of listening, Luda does not try to concentrate, is not going to strain, but habitually leaves for her beloved, such a familiar and pleasant world of fantasy.
However, children in this category do well.... This is due to the fact that they are afraid of condemnation in their address, they do not want to cause unnecessary trouble for their parents. It is these motives (i.e. avoidant rather than achieving motivation) that motivate them to learn at an acceptable level. They do not strive to achieve better results because they are afraid of difficulties, and they, like all children of alcoholics, have low self-esteem. The feeling of guilt and shame for the father's behavior, for his powerlessness to somehow change the situation in the family, the feeling of being unnecessary to parents, of isolation from the whole world determines the rejection of the image of “I”, the “lost” child develops an inferiority complex, confidence that he worse than others, a flawed person. He sees his vocation in giving in to everyone, helping, sacrificing his interests for the sake of the interests of others, in their opinion, always more important and significant people than themselves.
But at the same time, despite the tendency inherent in the “lost” child towards self-elimination, isolation, withdrawal into the unreal world, he deeply suffers from loneliness, wants to have a “soul mate” - a person who can be told everything, who will understand, support, Will not condemn. However, this desire most often remains unrealizable, because he does not dare, and indeed cannot express his feelings, is ashamed of his impulse and is afraid to reveal the secret of the family. All this causes a feeling of hopelessness, melancholy Such a depressed mood subsequently leads to depression, that is, already to a painful state that requires the intervention of a doctor.
As they grow up, the "meek" child is less and less able to escape the difficulties of life into the world of dreams. Unforgiving reality is stronger than fantasy. Then, to get rid of psychological discomfort,he resorts to artificial ways protection- to smoking, drugs, alcohol. The possibility of a final death is also not excluded: it is in this category of matured children of alcoholics that suicides most often occur.
Responsible child, or "family hero"
The responsible child, or "family hero", does not fit with widespread, everyday ideas about what the children of alcoholics should be like. Serious, disciplined, neat and fit, hecomes across as a well-bred childwhich parents pay a lot of attention to.Such children study wellconscientiously fulfill all the requirements and instructions of teachers. At home, they do a significant part of the household chores: they clean the apartment, wash the dishes, go grocery shopping, and tinker with their younger brother or sister. And this is also done very carefully, trying to do it as best as possible. Such guys are very are responsible - they will never forget to buy bread, they will never be late to pick up their sister from the kindergarten. Therefore, a mother is more confident in entrusting her 10-year-old daughter with household chores than her adult father, who can never be relied upon. Children of this category are great workers, they know how to mobilize their strength and can achieve significant success in studies, sports, and then in professional activity.
What motivates them to behave this way?The same as for all children of alcoholics: the need for love and attention from parents and the desire to change the life of the family for the better. These guys are making a truly heroic effort to maintain a more or less tolerable functioning of the family and at least to some extent to control the situation in the house.
Children of this category spend a lot of energy on hiding the family secret. They are constantly on the alert, making sure that no one guesses about their father's behavior. For example, a responsible child can monitor phone calls all day so that a drunk father does not have time to pick up the phone before him; guard the appearance of a drunk parent in the yard in order to immediately take him home; make childish efforts, convincing mom and dad to quarrel more quietly; to stand up for the mother if the father "raises his hand" to her, and so on.
Trying to hide the disorganization family life That is, in fact, taking on some of the responsibility for the family (which a father should have done), the “family hero” loses his childhood. He grows up too quickly, not having time to enjoy the carefree, pleasures and entertainment of his age. Such a child loses early childhood spontaneity, gaiety, frivolity and becomes serious beyond his years, eternally anxious, constrained and tense.
In an effort to earn the love of parents, a responsible child tries to do everything to please them. Least of all he thinks about his needs and interests, but he is ready to "get hurt like a cake" in order to please parents, and then other significant adults. Sacrificing his interests for the sake of other people who are significant to him, exerting all his strength in order to earn praise - this is the characteristic style of behavior of the "family hero".
However, becoming more and more convinced that his efforts do not bring results (the father does not quit drinking, the mother does not become happier, there is no manifestation of attention and love for him from the parents), the responsible child is increasingly feeling guilty about his failure. He painfully experiences the preservation of the alcoholic situation in the family, regarding this as his own defeat. This gives rise to a feeling of inferiority, low self-esteem, rejection of the image of "I". The feeling of guilt, shame, resentment and anger is forever fixed in his soul.It would seem that in an alcoholic family, a completely positive, from the point of view of an outside observer, responsible child is being brought up. He really acts as a "family hero", because outwardly his behavior is ideal: he does not cause trouble, but, on the contrary, he himself participates in organizing the life of the family. However, at what cost is it given to the child? Take the responsibility of an adult at the age of 10-12- an unbearable burden for the child's psyche... As an adult, a responsible child retains low self-esteem, continues to consider himself a worthless person who must sacrifice his own interests for the sake of the interests of other people whom he considers more significant. Accustomed to taking an overwhelming part of the responsibility on himself, in his adult life he allows others to load more and more work on him. Constantly afraid of being insolvent, painfully experiencing failures, trying to foresee and control everything in order not to make mistakes. Even success in work is not accompanied by a sense of satisfaction, joy, calm self-confidence. An inferiority complex formed in childhood interferes. Children of this category, even in adult life, do not know how to rejoice, have fun, feel relaxed, happy. Even if everything goes well in their life, they continue to be tense, anxious, anxious, too serious. Stereotypes learned in childhood continue to operate.
The reaction to an alcoholic situation in a family of the “family hero” type is usually characteristic of children with a strong type of nervous system and high intelligence.As already mentioned, in adulthood, they often achieve a high level of professional skill, great success in work. Of all the children of alcoholics, they are the ones who most often become fanatical teetotalers. Their personal life is more complicated. Emotional inaccessibility, stiffness, inflexibility, an inferiority complex - all this interferes with the establishment of close, trusting relationships. For example, if such a girl meets on her way a charming, open, cheerful person who knows how to show vivid deep feelings, she is lost, cannot establish a relationship with him. He cannot understand and does not know how to behave in such a situation. Indeed, in the parental family, she did not see relationships based on trust, understanding, emotional support, respect for the personality of another person, cooperation as partners.
It's a different matter when a girl like that meets a guy who comes on a date "drunk". In this case, the girl feels confident. She saw this situation a thousand times in her family, using her father as an example. Unconsciously, the girl, while still in brides, begins to copy the behavior of her mother: she controls the behavior of the groom, takes responsibility for him. Lacking an example of a different style of relationship, such a girl subconsciously seeks either to dominate her husband, saving him, or to sacrifice herself. It is the thought that her beloved needs her, that he will disappear without her, that is the main motive of behavior, since it “feeds” her low self-esteem. The thirst to feel in this way her significance prompts the girl to repeat life path his mother. A person is so arranged that he feels better in a familiar environment and is afraid of unfamiliar circumstances.
Studies show that daughters from alcoholic families in most cases marry those who soon become ill with alcoholism.The circle is closed. Moreover, the following pattern is often observed: if a woman, having lived for several years with her alcoholic husband, nevertheless divorces him, then remarriage also turns out to be unsuccessful. It seems that a “teetotal” (or rather, moderately drinking) person, having become the husband of this woman, after a while also falls ill with alcoholism, or, even without being an alcoholic, begins to treat his wife very cruelly, simply mocks her. This pattern is explained by the personal characteristics of the wife. Being the daughters of alcoholics (or acquiring similar personality traits already in marriage due to the disease of codependency), they strive to live only for others, neglecting the satisfaction of their own needs and interests. Such women hope that the more they please their husband, the sooner they will deserve his love, without thinking about how much the husband satisfies her needs for love, attention, care, how he provides the life of the family, etc. women even find satisfaction, because they consider themselves great martyrs, beautifully and proudly bearing their cross. They assert themselves in their torment, feel like heroines who save a loved one at the cost of their lives.
Thus, even with the outwardly favorable behavior of a child belonging to the category of "family hero", serious problems await him in adult life: difficulties in establishing close relationships, dissatisfaction with any achievements and successes, the desire to supervise all circumstances, including the life of loved ones, habit sacrifice yourself for the interests of others (who most often do not deserve this treatment). These qualities, in turn, can cause unsuccessful marriage, neurotic disorders, depression, somatic diseases caused by long-term experiences of negative emotions.
The likelihood of alcoholism is also not excluded.For all his negative attitude towards drunkenness, a grown-up child from the "family hero" category may one day taste a glass of champagne. Alcohol will make a greater impression on him than on another person raised under normal conditions. A “responsible” child from a family of alcoholics will feel less tense, less tense, more relaxed than he felt all his life. Suddenly, by itself, the mood will improve, the eternal seriousness that presses on him and on those around him will disappear, such a wonderful feeling of community with friends, relief, joy will appear. He will want to experience this state again and again. Not knowing that, due to heredity, he is predisposed to alcoholism, such a person will fall ill so soon that he does not even have time to realize what happened to him.
So, the question arises: are all children of alcoholics doomed to be unhappy?Are there any other options? Of course they are. Children from families of alcoholics can grow up quite well, happy people if in childhood they meet a person who will helplook at the world differently. Even if such a child just often communicates with a peer from a normal family, where he is accepted as a native, he can learn the stereotypes of normal communication between close people. After all, children from families of alcoholics simply do not know what the relationship should be in a normal family. From films and TV shows, from the conversations of their peers, they understand that their family is not what it should be, but what it should be, children can only guess. A child from an alcoholic family also understands that he is not like everyone else. And he does not know how to become an ordinary, cheerful and calm child.
Of course, the child who is lucky good people, who happened to be nearby in time, will grow up to be a happy person. These people can be neighbors, relatives, parents of a classmate, teacher. But, unfortunately, this happens very rarely. Therefore, it is better not to hope for a chance, but to patiently and consistently provide children from alcoholic families with special psychological assistance. And not only to children, but also to their mothers, who, according to statistics, are most often affected by codependency.
To organize such assistance, we need professional specialists, a system of training and retraining of personnel, and most importantly, programs of psychocorrectional work and a system for diagnosing children and adolescents of the "risk" group.
Literature: Maksimova N.Yu., Milyutina E.L. A course of lectures on children's pathopsychology.-Rostov n / D., 2000.
Introduction
Alcoholic (dysfunctional) families are breeding grounds for the development of addictions and a variety of problems, in the occurrence of which traumatic events of childhood are important. Therefore, dysfunctional families are called unhealthy, and functional families are called healthy. We have made a comparison of healthy and unhealthy families earlier. A particular case of a dysfunctional family is a family in which one parent suffers from alcoholism, and the other parent suffers from codependency. Using the example of such families, we will consider the features of the emotional development of children.
THE SYSTEM OF EMOTIONAL COORDINATES OF THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILYGrow up, it's hard to grow up. Growing up in an alcoholic home can be unbearably difficult. Millions of adult men and women grew up in alcohol-driven families. Millions of children still live in such families, if you can call it life. My experience with children of alcoholics makes me agree with Cermak T.L., who compared the trauma of children in these families to the traumatic experience of war veterans known as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This syndrome occurs in war veterans when they begin to adjust to a peaceful life after the war. Children of alcoholics endure stress comparable to the loss of a loved one.
B.E. Robinson compared the alcoholic family to a psychological battlefield. Children are often forced to choose which side to fight on - on the side of mom or dad. Sometimes the front line runs between parents and children.
It often happens that it is easier for a child to get along with a drinking parent and more difficult - with a soberly living second parent suffering from codependency. Codependent parents are often annoyed and tired of this battle. They are anxious, nervous, and stressed by their spouse's behavior. Unconsciously, parents transmit these feelings to their children. The slightest offense of children is enough for the codependent parent to get irritated, upset, saddened.
Some parents try to suppress and hide their true feelings from their children. Inevitably, this leads to an explosion of negative feelings. Children do not understand these expressions of emotion. Eight-year-old Tolik reported with bewilderment: "And our mother is always scolding."
Codependent parents are desperately struggling to keep the family healthy. They are so absorbed in tidying up their house that it drains all their psychic energy and one spark is enough to cause an explosion again. Then they can demonstrate an indifferent attitude towards children: "Do what you want, just leave me alone." All attention is absorbed by the patient with alcoholism, the whole life in the house revolves around him, around his problems. And children feel abandoned, unwanted, unloved.
FORMATION OF THE CHILD'S EMOTIONAL SPHERE
Low self-esteem
A child's self-esteem, worth, giftedness and uniqueness develops only if the parents give him as much attention as the child needs. The attention that the sons and daughters of alcoholic parents received was mixed with toxic emotions. The child is little praised and criticized a lot. Words and hints are interpreted by the child as negative self-images.
· I am not a very important person.
· I constantly get underfoot.
· I bring problems, difficulties to others.
I am not attractive.
· I am very noisy or quiet or clumsy (hereinafter whatever).
· I am not smart, I am dumb.
· I cannot do anything properly.
· I cannot be trusted with anything.
· I am selfish and demand too much.
· They don't like me.
· I am unwanted, unnecessary.
Even one or two of these beliefs is enough for a child to develop low self-esteem, since these messages come from the most significant persons - parents or persons who replace them.
ErrorsIn healthy, functional families, mistakes are allowed. Overcoming mistakes helps growth and development. Family members encourage both adults and children to explore unfamiliar sides of life. All family members take responsibility for their actions.
In healthy families, children develop a sense of belonging to the family because they feel positive cohesion, the close attachment of family members to each other. And at the same time, in a healthy family, individual differences are respected and valued.
Children of alcoholics see themselves through the cloudy glass of their parent's view of the world. Mistakes in the alcoholic family are simply prohibited. Alcohol washes away and dissolves the self-esteem of a person, of all family members. Children don't know if they have ground under their feet. They cannot stand firmly on their own feet, because their roots (parental family) are sick and weak.
Uncertainty, not only about tomorrow, but also about what will happen tonight, makes children little soldier-sentries. Children need to stand guard to be ready to face challenges and to protect themselves. They fight bravely to overcome a fundamentally insurmountable problem. The unpredictability of family events is the only consistent and predictable characteristic of such families.
In alcoholic families, if there is cohesion, it is negative cohesion, mixed with criticism, violence, inconsistency, denial and excessive stress. Survival is possible there, but at what cost? Survival replaces life, growth and development. Survival is not life. The child's personal growth stops. There is a fixation on their feelings of inadequacy, humiliation.
Completion of casesIn healthy families, parents constantly pay attention to the work that the child does and completes. At the same time, parents' expectations are realistic, praise and support are constant. Parents give a sense of leadership in the child's life and at the same time allow him to feel like an independent person.
In alcoholic families, the completed affairs of the child receive recognition and praise depending on the mood of the parents and on the condition of the alcoholic parent. Criticism is constant, not encouragement. Along with the vapors of alcohol in the house, possible insults and violence - physical, emotional, sexual - hang in the air. Expectations are determined by the blood alcohol level of the sick family member.
NegationThe family ignores alcoholism and considers such irresponsible behavior of an alcoholic permissible. Denial as a form psychological protection helps to cope with pain. The "family secret" is protected by masks and carefully chosen words in conversation. While it helps the family survive, denial also supports the continued existence of alcoholism.
The codependent, that is, the soberly living parent, pretends to the children that nothing special is happening and insists that the children perceive reality in this way. “Oh, your father is not an alcoholic. He just works hard and allows himself to relax. "
The parent denies what the child sees with his own eyes. The child is confused, he begins to distrust reality. Children are forced to suppress their suspicions and minimize their feelings about the drinking parent: "Since my mother said so, then everything is not so bad as it seemed to me." Until the age of nine, children predominantly perceive the world through the eyes of their parents. They doubt and deny their own perceptions. Then they get used to lying to their peers, denying what is happening in the family.
Outwardly, on the visible stage, children appear to be normal. Boys and girls try to be who they should be in the mind of their parents - a sign, a hallmark of the non-existent well-being of the family. Such families are called facade families. Outside everything is fine, but inside is a nightmare. Infernal hell is becoming a habitual situation.
Anger
Anger is the most common emotion in children that occurs as a reaction to the parent's alcoholism. Expression, manifestation of anger is usually forbidden to children, although adults allow themselves to be angry. True, adults rarely serve as a healthy model for expressing anger. And the child has no one to learn this from. The child knows that it is wrong to get angry, it is wrong. He often hides his anger behind a fake smile. Later, this can lead to poverty of the senses. As E. Fromm wrote, “At first, the child refuses to express his feelings, and ultimately - from the feelings themselves” (p.203). ...
Anger can arise in a child for a number of reasons. This is the refusal of parents to support the child during an argument, betrayal, double messages ("I love you. Get out of here, do not get underfoot.") Often parents do not fulfill their promises. If one parent is cruel to the child, and the second sees it and does not protect, then the child perceives the situation as a betrayal. A drunk parent can break toys or spoil other things that are dear to the child. The child may react to the destruction of his property with anger and even rage. Under these feelings lie pain, sadness, bitterness of existence.
Depression
Children with alcoholism reliably more often describe their childhood as unhappy compared to children of non-alcoholic parents. In adulthood, they are twice as likely to suffer from depression than children of non-alcoholic parents. Depression is a lifelong legacy, although it often occurs only intermittently. The good news is that not all adult children are depressed. Children whose parents are treated for alcoholism and achieve prolonged abstinence from drinking alcohol.
FearFear, bad feelings also become habitual feelings. The unpredictability of parental expectations and responses creates a palpable fear of the unknown. Will your father come sober today? Will mom yell at dad? Why will they scold me today?
Fear of parental anger almost never goes away in children. Anger in alcoholic families is completely incomprehensible, it is meaningless and constant. All the time someone is yelling at someone, and someone is blaming someone. Sometimes family members beat each other.
Looking at all this, the child learns to avoid confrontation, so as not to add anything to the constantly boiling cauldron.
GuiltChildren in alcoholic families often feel guilty and responsible for the parent's drinking. Some even believe that because of him, the child, the parent is drinking. “If I were a good girl, my dad would not drink,” said five-year-old Anya. She thought that if she tried very hard and finally became a "good girl", then drunkenness would come to an end. So she nourished her hope. This saved her from despair. Children often think that they are able to contain the parent's drunkenness.
As adults, children continue to feel guilty almost constantly. This feeling easily arises in a variety of circumstances. If someone blames them, then they willingly take the blame at their own expense. Adult children of alcoholics enter the doctor's or boss's office with a ready-made phrase on their lips, "Excuse me."
Some adults feel guilty for thinking in childhood: "It would be better if my father died, then all this would stop right away." Some feel guilty for what they did, maybe hitting the parent. Feelings of guilt can replace feelings of anger. And what is guilt lighter than anger?
In the chaotic home of an alcoholic, few things can be reliable, safe, or controlled. You can't trust your mother and father. Daily life is unpredictable, painful feelings are repressed and suppressed. Children in alcoholic families spend a lot of energy just to be, to exist, to survive.
Embarrassment and isolation
Ten-year-old Misha often complained to the school psychologist that the guys make fun of his father when they see him drunk. This very confused Misha. Therefore, he did not play with the guys, he isolated himself from his peers just at the time when they became a close friendly company. Misha's ability to make friends was limited. Only Petya understood him, because Petya's father was also an alcoholic.
A common story with children of alcoholics. Children hide the drunkenness of their father or mother, avoid inviting friends to their house. Natasha's father once came to school drunk. He fell in front of the entire class. The guys giggled and watched him with interest. Natasha was very embarrassed, became so shy that she spoke in a whisper. She was very ashamed of her father. She closed herself off, was not friends with anyone.
Many children in such families build invisible walls around themselves, live more in dreams and fantasies than in real world... They seem to encapsulate their feelings and do not open this capsule until thirty or forty years old.
Grief, loss
The question arises: “Can the children of alcoholics with such a difficult emotional experience become the complete opposite of their parents? Can they build a functional family? "
Anton Petrovich, 34 years old, said: “Since I grew up in an alcoholic family, I wanted to be completely different from my parents. I passionately wanted to have a healthy family of my own, perhaps because I never had one. I never felt like a part of my family. This is what I wanted most of all. If I lived in a normal family, it probably wouldn't be so important to me. "
Grief in children with alcoholism can manifest itself in different levels... The absence of a normal family in a child can give a feeling of loss, grief, lost childhood. In the future, this feeling can visit a person from time to time. Remember the words of A.P. Chekhov: "I didn't have a childhood as a child"? The loss of a carefree, joyous childhood can be the cause of grief, a 5-stage psychological process described by E. Kubler-Ross.
Until the onset of puberty, the process of grieving over the loss of a parent, physical or psychological loss ("the father drowned in guilt") is clearly not recognized by the child. Then this feeling interferes with the development of identity in the adolescent, the awareness of himself as a unique person with a sense of his own dignity and worth. Unresolved feelings of grief, loss can darken life and interfere with building your family.
POISONOUS MESSAGES FROM THE COUNTRY OF CHILDHOODWith what ideas about themselves children of alcoholics enter adulthood?
They have learned at least four poisonous messages:
1. I can't do anything properly;
2. I cannot think correctly;
3. I cannot trust anyone except myself;
4. I don't have to feel or express my feelings.
THE BEGINNING OF RECOVERY
Psychotherapy of adult children of alcoholic parents can begin with a discussion of the feelings that the person experienced in childhood and which they are experiencing now. Previously, they rarely managed to express their feelings in a confidential, confidential atmosphere. Adult children of alcoholic parents may be offered the following exercise in one of the initial therapy sessions. This is just the beginning. The therapy is long-term. The results can be positive and significant.
Reviewing Past Experience Exercise
Read the list below.
You begin to recover when you value all your past experiences. Perhaps in the past you have had emotional deprivation - some feelings prevailed and did not allow others to break through. Emotional deprivation delays personality growth.
Relax. Make yourself comfortable. Read the list below and ask yourself for each item, "Have I experienced fear of rejection?" "Have I had any difficulty in achieving intimate relationships?" Mark with the icon those experiences that are relevant to your past life... You will find that some of the above are relevant to you and some are not. Don't just feel guilty. If some feelings, experiences, problems that are important to you are not included in the list, just add them.
Fear of rejection
Difficulty reaching close relationships (intimacy)
Mistrust
Tension
Sharp mood swings
Low self-esteem, lack of self-esteem
Bulimia (overeating) anorexia nervosa(refusal to eat)
Alcoholism in yourself or in someone you care about
Lie at home
Addiction to experiencing delight, excitement
Addiction
Casual sex or other sexual abuse
Manifestations of violence on their part or observation of violence from significant loved ones
Excessive responsibility or excessive irresponsibility
Excessive reactions to something or excessive indifference
Impulsiveness
Tendency to criticize, judge others
Inability to relax
The need to control others
The need to receive praise and support, approval
Compulsive (almost violent) behavior in oneself or in significant loved ones (overeating, striving for super-achievements at any cost, smoking, substance abuse).
Now you are more aware of some of your psychological characteristics that can create problems in your life.
Being aware of your problems is a very important part of healing.
The opportunity to discuss some of these issues in a group therapy setting brings relief and hope for healing.
Bibliography
1. Moskalenko V.D. Adult children with addictions - a group of multiple risk // Mental health. - 2006, No. 5 (5). - P.61-67.
2. Fromm E. Escape from freedom. / M .: "Progress". - 1990.271 p.
3. Black C. Children of alcoholics as Youngsters-Adolescents - Adults / New York: Ballantine Books. - 1981 .-- 203 p.
4 Robinson B.E. Working with Children of Alcoholics. D.C. Health and Company / Lexington, Massachusetts / Toronto: Lexington Books. - 1989. - 253 P.
5. Cermak T.L. A primer on adult children of alcoholics. Pompano Beach, Florida: Health Communications. - 1985.
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