When problems don't get solved. What to do if you don't know how to solve the problem
Problem. There is only one thing in my mind - how to solve the problem. The panic is getting stronger. Even depression comes. This state is experienced by many who are looking for a solution in the wrong place.
Most people immerse themselves in the problem, think constantly about the problem and how to solve the problem. But life shows that constant thoughts about a problem do not solve it at all, but, in most cases, even add problems.
Someone decides to move away from the problem, replace thoughts about an urgent problem with other thoughts. But this is also not an option. If the problem is not solved, then it will not be solved the way you need it.
But there is only black and white ...
If it's time to make repairs in the house, then you can make repairs as needed. You don't have to make repairs at all, since it doesn't work out. And you can learn all the intricacies of this matter and put your house in order. Even if the repairs are done by hired workers, then under the control of someone who understands what's what, it will be difficult to do something wrong.
If you need to move the closet in the house, then you can try to push and tear it without moving it. You can not move the cabinet, leaving it in the same place. Or you can exercise physically, gain strength and calmly move it, as many times as you like and wherever you want.
If you need to please a guy and keep him, then you can panic and mess things up. You can completely refuse this guy. And you can get the necessary knowledge and gain inner strength, which will give attractiveness, attractiveness and keep the guy close.
And so in everything. V difficult situations thinking about the problem only aggravates the unfavorable factors, and the problem is not solved in the way we would like. Also, ignoring the problem does not change the situation for the better. For a qualitative solution to the problem, it is necessary to retreat from it for some time and first gain certain knowledge and strengths that can change the situation.
Ancient sources of knowledge say that before you receive, you must first give. And instead of constantly thinking about the problem, you need to start giving and gain strength to solve it. Therefore, the question of how to solve a problem comes down to where to get the strength to solve it and what to give and to whom.
There are many ways to donate (give). And you can start with the simplest ones. For example, you can feed the birds. And not only when you want, but to show constant concern for them. At the same time, this should be done disinterestedly, simply enjoying the way they peck at the seeds.
Another way to give, more difficult, is to feed the beggars. Moreover, it is to feed, not give money. Fraudsters often ask for money, and those in need need food, clothing, shelter, medicine, etc. This is what should be given to them whenever possible.
You can donate not only something material. Treating people well, wishing everyone happiness is also a kind of donation. And that's even more than feeding the birds and the beggars.
Praying to God is also a donation, unless in prayer you are asked to receive something. This is to give God joy, love. This is gratitude.
Fulfilling your obligations to loved ones is also a donation, and one of the most difficult. As a rule, we want to be fulfilled obligations to us. And to give is to donate to the husband and children, not wanting anything from them in return.
An even more difficult donation is sacrificing your time. To give your time means to pay attention to those who are near and to those who need it. You can just talk to a lonely person. You can help a neighbor to sit with the children. You can teach a friend to sew, etc. etc. All this time, which we lack so much for our own business. At the same time, you need to be able to give exactly when you need it. That is, to do everything on time. As they say, the road is a spoon for dinner.
It is especially necessary to learn to give love, care, attention to close people, since it is always more difficult for them to sacrifice than to strangers.
The result of donations is very strong - overcoming your life difficulties.
Do not know how to solve the problem? Take a break from it and start giving. The result will exceed your expectations. Just give unselfishly, wanting nothing in return.
One of the options in this case is to appeal to the Ombudsman.
In Tatarstan, it is Sariya Saburskaya. In each district she has community assistants who can also help with any problems. In the Yelabuga region, the public assistant to the Commissioner for Human Rights in the Republic of Tatarstan is Ilnur Shaimardanov.
- Ilnur Zufarovich, what functions does the public assistant of the Ombudsman perform?
- First of all, our work is public. According to the law "On the Ombudsman", we can carry out checks at the request of citizens or at the request of the Ombudsman, carry out any one-time orders in the form of checks on the provision of medicines or technical means of rehabilitation, keeping citizens in a temporary detention facility, organization of elections. In addition, if the solution of any problem is not within our competence, then we draw up an application addressed to the Ombudsman, help to ensure that it reaches him, and subsequently keep the connection between the citizen and the Ombudsman under control.
I am also a member of various commissions related to the consideration of citizens' cases, and this contributes to helping people who find themselves in difficult life situations. I would like to note that this is not only my job, but of all those on these commissions.
- How often do people contact you?
- Last year, about 30 people contacted me personally. And the Ombudsman received 3,985 applications from citizens, both written and oral, including during a personal reception - 456. This is 12 percent more than in 2016 (3,549 applications).
- What problems are of the most worried about Elabuga residents?
- The main issues concern housing and communal services, health care, education, land law, social security. Situations are very different, and everything needs to be solved.
There are complaints about noise in apartment buildings. If law enforcement agencies do not pay due attention to solving this problem, then I personally have to contact them.
Grandmothers, who just need to talk, also call. When you listen to them, they periodically repeat their calls, and this is normal. The most important thing is that a person can get what they want and calm down.
A year ago, for example, a woman who suffered from cancer called. The son took custody of her, but did not court, referring to bad smell coming from the mother due to illness. Social security workers provided her with the necessary assistance.
- What questions do you encounter most often?
- Since my main activity is related to the Social Insurance Fund, most of the applications addressed to me are related to technical means of rehabilitation. This is a very sore point, because the provision of technical and technical resources was recently transferred to the FSS, and the work is not yet well organized, therefore there are the most requests on this issue.
- Are there problems that cannot be solved?
- Basically all problems can be solved, although it takes time. But there are also those that we cannot solve in any way. Not so long ago, a citizen contacted us with a problem of non-payment wages... The organization he worked for went bankrupt. Of course, he won the courts, as did all the employees who worked in this organization, but the fact is that it itself no longer exists. Everything that could be sold has already been sold, and there are no creditors, so there is simply nothing to pay the workers' wages with. This man has already gone through all the authorities and has now written a letter to the President, but his problem will not be solved, because there is nowhere to pay this money. There is no organization, the director has been convicted.
Often in construction industry salaries are paid in envelopes. But it is worth, for example, to get sick - and sick leave are charged at the official salary, which is several times less than the actual salary. In my practice, there was also such a case, and if I am not mistaken, the man, even by filing in the courts, lost this case, since his employment contract contained a completely different figure than he actually received.
In general, when applying for a job, you should pay special attention to the employment contract. Because some of them get a job without making any contracts. And when a person works in an industry with increased injuries, then this is simply unacceptable. As an example - an incident that happened not so long ago in our area. A young girl unofficially got a job in a cleaning company serving one of the enterprises of the special economic zone. She inhaled harmful fumes there, returned home and died. Her parents through the court, of course, achieved compensation, but can she compare with the loss of a loved one?
Therefore, the reduction of informal employment and the legalization of labor relations are among the priority areas of the Russian National Security Strategy.
In our region, 25 industrial accidents were registered last year, 20 of which were minor and 5 were severe.
- How can I get an appointment with you?
- Anyone can contact me. Reception is conducted at the address: Toyminskaya Street, 1, on Tuesdays, from 14.00 to 18.00, but if I am free, I can receive and listen to a citizen on any day of the week and at any time.
You can ask your questions to the public assistant of the Human Rights Ombudsman in the Republic of Tatarstan through our newspaper by calling 3-81-11 or by writing an e-mail: [email protected]
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What to do if you don't know how to fix the problem. Desperate situations.
When difficult life circumstances come into our life, we, as a rule, plunge headlong into our experiences, ask ourselves questions: “Why do I need this?”, “Why did this happen to me?”, Which do not help us at all, but on the contrary , worsen our psycho-emotional state.
We concentrate even more on the problem that bothers us, plunge into negative emotions, devote most of our time to finding solutions and still cannot find it. We get upset and lose faith in ourselves. Most people, not seeing a way out of the situation, gradually come to terms with negative changes and continue to go with the flow of life, hoping that over time everything will be resolved and the current will carry them to a more favorable shore.
Remember, when we are fixated on a problem, we look at the world and perceive it through the prism of this problem, and do not notice the rest, and this can be the key to overcoming this difficulty.
You need to realize one truth: there is always a solution, and we know about it.
There is 2 important points
which I would like to draw your attention to:
- there are no desperate situations, there are solutions that we do not like
- due to the fact that solving a problem may require leaving the comfort zone, overcoming our fears, working on ourselves, then we often block the awareness of such a decision, and we can walk in circles for a long time in search of a way out.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU DO NOT SEE AN OUTPUT?
1. Answer questions honestly:
- How do you perceive your role in organizing your own life?
- Do you think you can make a decisive impact on your future?
Some of the responses to difficult life circumstances are listed below. Your task is to determine to what extent they are inherent in you:
“Life is cruel / unfair to me”;
“I can’t do anything about it, it’s not in my power”;
“I want changes, but they are impossible under such circumstances”;
“No matter what I do, it's all in vain, tomorrow something will go wrong again”;
"This is a punishment from above, apparently I was guilty of something."
If you recognize your reactions to any of these statements, ask yourself how often do you use them? Answering these three questions will give you a deeper understanding of how much you really control your own life and take responsibility for what is happening.
2. It is necessary to distance yourself from the problem.
When difficult circumstances come in our life or, as it seems to us, hopeless situations, we are completely involved in them emotionally and our attention is narrowed so much that we do not notice almost anything except an urgent problem. When we leave the role of an actor, that is, a subject with whom something happened and take the position of an observer, we can learn a lot about this problem. Our vision of what happened is changing, emotions subside and we are already able to notice those nuances that we didn’t pay attention to before.
3. The "advice to a friend" technique works great.
Ask yourself:
- What advice would I give to a friend who finds himself in a similar situation?
This is another way to distance yourself from the problem, reduce emotional engagement, and take some of the responsibility for our proposed solutions. It is the unwillingness to bear responsibility for the consequences of our choice that prevents the realization of how often there is an obvious way out of the situation and causes delays in making a decision. I recommend that you watch my video on how to learn how to make decisions.
4. Fear of making the wrong choice Is another reason why the situation may seem hopeless. As I said, there is always a way out, but we are afraid to make a wrong decision, and therefore we often start to ignore the problem, try to find ways to distract ourselves from it, someone escapes reality, plunging into entertainment, computer games, watching TV series, and someone finds comfort in alcohol, drugs and so on.
It is important to realize that the right and wrong decision is a myth, we cannot know in advance what our choice will turn out to be until we step on the chosen path. I talk about this in more detail in my video "Why is it so difficult to make a decision?"
5. Another recommendation for finding the best solution - give freedom to your creativity ... Take a piece of paper or a voice recorder, as it is more convenient for you, describe your problem situation and then you need to do the following. Time it, say 5 minutes, set an alarm, and start recording all possible solutions. The main condition is not to criticize yourself and those options that will flicker in your head. Your goal is to capture as many ideas as possible, and in this case, the limited time will force you to focus as much as possible on finding solutions. The next step is to choose the best solution to your problem from all the options.
6. If none of the methods I have proposed helps you find a way out of the situation, then just give yourself time. Formulate your question and allow your unconscious find the most suitable solution. At first glance, such a recommendation seems somehow magical and smacks of esoteric teachings. However, if you look at the process from the point of view of psychology, everything falls into place and the picture becomes clear. Our behavior, everyday choices and actions are determined for the most part by our unconscious. In addition, often some ideas and desires are rejected at the level of consciousness as unrealistic, delusional, elusive, inappropriate, and so on. And the amount of information that we are aware of is very, very limited.
What makes the problem unsolvable?
An unsolvable problem looks like when a person 1) does not know how to solve it 2) knows, but cannot.
Let's deal with the first point first.
The person does not know how to solve the problem, does not see the solution.
This is the most difficult, nervous and unpleasant condition. When he already knows, but cannot, it is easier, it is clear what to do, the task is to gather strength. And not knowing how, a person rushes about and looks for someone who could help him see these ways. He goes to his friends, looks for an answer on the Internet, signs up with a psychologist.
In I have already given a universal recipe for how to find ways to solve any problem. For this, it may be enough to change the external locus to the internal one when considering this problem.
The explanation for this miracle is simple. A person does not know "how" when the description of the problem is beyond the boundaries of his influence. Once you put the problem within your own boundaries, a solution will emerge.
Look again at examples of how the locus changes and the problems are reformulated.
Problem: "the woman I love doesn't love me."
This problem is unsolvable, because its solution is outside the boundaries of human influence, in question about what the other person does or does not do, in this case - does not like.
How can we reformulate this problem by changing the locus?
There are several options. “I am worried about the woman’s dislike” - and then the problem is worries. You can work with feelings, you can work with suffering self-esteem, bitterness and fear of the collapse of the relationship. “It seems to me that they don’t love me” - and then the problem is to figure out whether they love me. Although in the latter case, it is important to understand why you need to figure it out? What will he do with this knowledge? Will he leave, will he try to return the balance? If the former, it makes sense to find out, and if the latter, you can work on the balance without this knowledge.
There is a more or less general formulation for such problems, for which an understanding of the concept of imbalance is needed: "I am in the red in these relations" - and then the problem is its own minus, you can work with it. This work is about reducing your dependence on a person and forming your persona in his field, more significant than now. The second is the ability to even go beyond the boundaries a little, while remaining in the internal locus (from the point of view of psychology, this is "magic", but it has a scientific explanation, that is, it does not concern anything supernatural).
The inner locus is a spacesuit that allows you to go out into any airless space and visit foreign planets. Within its own planet (its borders) - the locus is already internal, the spacesuit replaces the atmosphere.
Let's see another problem: the loss of a job (any loss of anything and anyone, even a wife)
In an internal locus, this problem will appear as “worrying about loss” and / or “looking for a replacement”. You can work with both problems, and even with both at once. It's just that nothing can be done about the loss of a job. The work is already lost, it is beyond human influence. But a person can do something with his experiences: he must find ways to switch, compensate, comfort, cope with the trauma inflicted on him (raise self-esteem, restore his integrity, renew defenses, and so on)
By the way, about the injury. With trauma as a problem, it is very important, again, to stick to the inner locus. The injury has already been inflicted (or so it seems, it doesn't matter), you can't rewind it, the task is to remove all negative consequences, to recover. (Or you need to formulate the problem not as "my injury", but differently, for example, "fighting for the rights of other injured people"). When treating trauma, "revenge" or "forgiveness" are different ways of restoring inner integrity, it is important to find the way that will be most effective, but do not forget about the perspective. Some believe that integrity cannot be restored without revenge, but this is far from always the case. Some are convinced that trying to get revenge will always lose more. This is also not always the case. It is important to consider your situation and carefully understand - why you want revenge, what exactly this will restore or not restore, very often it gives only the illusion of restoring "justice" and "self-respect", but sometimes not only an illusion, and then the only question is finding adequate ways.
But this is a separate topic, and if everyone is very interested in it, I will tell you in more detail later.
The locus always needs to be displaced, even when it seems that it is impossible to displace it inward. There is always at least a part of the problem that can be shifted inside its own boundaries. Everything that is outside the borders is insoluble, inaccessible, does not deserve long-term attention, since nothing can be done.
Of course, knowing the solution is still very little to solve the problem. There must still be strength. Therefore, I wrote at the beginning of the post that it is an unsolvable problem when a person does not know how, or knows but cannot. In order to find the means to solve a problem that is at an internal locus, that is, within the limits of one's own influence, it is important to understand what is blocking forces. As a rule, this is either 1) frustration (apathy), or 2) fear, or insecurity.
How to overcome or cheat frustration and how to deal with fear and self-doubt to solve the problem, I will tell.
In the meantime, tasks for you on the topic "changing the external locus to the internal".
Reframe the following problems to move the locus from outside to inside. The wording may not be one, but several.
1. "A colleague gets stupid talking at work"
2. "Mother constantly crawls with unnecessary advice"
3. "The child does not want to do homework"
4. "The husband is offended for too rare and boring sex"
5. "Nothing interesting happens in life"
6. "My wife is constantly nagging about money."
7. "The boss is a fool"
Yesterday on one of the news channels people were calling the studio and explaining the reasons for their participation in the “mihomaidan”.
Caller: I don't care about Miho, although he has put things in order in Georgia. But our whole country is being stifled by Poroshenko's corruption.
Host: I am aware of you ... I only want to sleep, if especially the last time I got into a corruption?
Caller: Well, I don’t remember right away, but doctors extorted from my neighbor 10 thousand UAH for the operation.
Host: Yeah, don't remember about yourself ... So we have to undergo a medical reform at once in order to minimize the illegal fight. And the call of the doctor, how can you name it?
Caller: What's there to understand? Deal with Poroshenko first, all the corruption from him. Beeps ...
I have a neighbor. He did not miss a single mihoparade, he took part in the storming of Oktyabrsky. As he drinks or starts, bad - show yourself! He has a cool Buick (have you seen a lot of Buicks in Kiev?) For the ninth month he has been driving Euro plates. The last time I didn’t even leave the country, I just gave the money to anyone who needed it. And he is very proud of it. I tell him: "Arthur, corruption is the attitude of each of us to this phenomenon." No, he says, we will bring down Poroshenko, and everything will work out.
As a person who thinks occasionally, I have a brain rupture from such maxims. And as a person who has traveled a lot around the world, I know that the fight against corruption is a systemic problem in many countries, which is solved by decades of hard work, including the purposeful instilling of a mentality of intolerance to this phenomenon. And not with an approach that, they say, let them put Lesik Dovgy or Nasirov in prison - I will get a moral orgasm from this, but if anything, I will resolve my issue with my godfather in the regional administration or with my brother-in-law at customs.
The fish rots not from the head, but, like all living organisms, from the insides. Just on the head there are gills, and from them there is a smell.
Not a single country has been able to defeat corruption in 70 days, as the Mihoparasyuk propose. In the PRC, for example, over the past decade, 10 thousand officials have been shot, and the level of corruption has practically not changed. Even if we put a hundred officials in jail at once (and the demands of most of our people simply boil down to this), the problem will not be solved, but will be temporarily cornered - the whole organism needs to be treated, not the symptoms.
I always ask the "revolutionaries": OK, impeachment ... What's next? Turn on your brains and calculate your actions three steps forward. A new round of civil confrontation, spending on the election campaign, new elections, a new cut of the budget, the temporary absence of a real Commander-in-Chief Etseter.
Your beloved Miho cannot become president (by the way, is it not an element of corruption that Miho, having become governor, immediately dragged several dozen Georgian "artists" to Ukraine?). Who then? Lyashko? Tymoshenko? Semenchenko? Leshchenko? Kolomoisky? Who? Zelensky with Vakarchuk? How will they be able to defeat corruption if one half of them are soiled head over heels in it, and the other has not the slightest idea about the basics of government?
I never tire of repeating: I am not a gun-loader, but a rational Ukrainian-centrist, who puts the interests of the country, and not the politician in love, at the head. I read Miho's plan to change the country in a matter of days - this is populist nonsense. I can say the same about Tymoshenko's “program”. Gritsenko? There's no plan at all.
But if I see, read and believe in a strategy (tactics doesn’t work here), which will really make it possible to change the country in 3-4 years, I’ll go and vote for a person who will convincingly resent it. But only in the next elections, and not on extraordinary wishes of the president who fled from his country or tent extortionists.
I'll return to the beginning ... God be with them, the Rosenblats, Dovgy and Moseichuk - let the prolific anti-corruption squadron squabble among themselves for their landing. I am in favor of us trying to fight corruption on the ground. The easiest way, of course, is, like Arestovich in his last post, to poke a stick at the ant colony, call everyone shit and go into nirvana. But this is the position of a weakling on critical days.
I'm not a top blogger, but I have about 15,000 friends and readers. I want one thing: for someone to speak out when he last PERSONALLY met with corruption. Everyone now has smartphones on which you can fix the feature of a bald man on a broomstick. Tell a REAL corruption story with facts, dates and names. Or, again, everything will come down to what the neighbor told, as well as Roshen, offshore companies and Granovsky?
Based on the results of such a story, let no case be initiated (although, as a lawyer, I can contribute to this, but only if there are specific names and in any kind of documented facts), at least an objective picture will emerge and a local platform of public intolerance will be created. Even such specifics will bring more benefit (this is driving) than walking around Kiev with abstract slogans (these are checkers).
And finally, a question. Where exactly do like-minded people gather? I want to come. And not in order to support Poroshenko (he is able to stand up for himself), but in order to make sure that our people have not yet forgotten how to communicate calmly, benevolently, without megaphone tears, pseudo-revolutionary exaltation, pogroms of buildings and total hatred of their own the same compatriots. For it will be very offensive to acknowledge the truth of the thought of Arestovich, whom I have mentioned, who wrote that even though Jesus is now put on a peter, the Ukrainians will manage to get over it.
I do not believe in this. And I do my own thing. Which is what I wish for you. Shanuimosya!
