Bisexual husband vk. Confession of one man, how he became bi passive. All gay men know that sex can have health risks. Don't lie to him about your sexual behavior. Do not say that you only sleep with him if you are not. Don't say you're doing protected
If a partner is a liability - how to be an asset in bed. In the view of many, a man should be courageous, and a woman should be submissive. Others do not like this option. But what to do if the girl likes to obey, she wants to see next to strong man- is it not available?
Think naturally. Before committing rash acts .. Let me remind you - we are talking exclusively about sexological types of liabilities, assets, and others. We do not give the slightest negative connotation to these words! It is solely about the need of the soul of a particular person for leadership in bed and the form of this leadership ..
What is a liability
So - "passive" is a person who needs the proximity of an "asset". That is, a leader, but with a somewhat more active-aggressive accent than "father". The needy is precisely for happiness. For the rest, this is the same person as others. Can be a minister, general and commando, businesswoman or feminist. If there is such an asset nearby, everything is in order. Both are happy.
If there is no such thing, or it seems to her that there is not (I'm not talking about a specific girl, I'm talking in the general case, but you can apply to her) - either a search or an expectation begins. Depending on the society, customs and other things. It doesn't matter. The main thing is that there is a feeling of dissatisfaction with one's position and a desire to change it. Sometimes - this is combined with "hopelessness", sometimes - with hope and active search - in different ways.
But in general, the same biocomp is tuned to the appearance of an asset nearby. Biocomp can be deceived. That is, to take an impudent bully, for example, behaving aggressively and cheekily, for an active type. And include attraction and all other programs. After a while, dissatisfaction with the behavior of such an error occurs ...
If a girl is a passive
We take the girls, we will not touch the male liabilities for now. If such a girl gets married or meets for some reason, such as running away from her parental family or just to provide for herself. She is obviously unlikely to meet a suitable type, because the mind works, not the feelings. But the patterns are the same.
She begins to "provoke" the partner in order to push him to be more active. In various ways - from just itching, whims - to scenes of jealousy, or vice versa - she herself goes to treason to cause jealousy. Even if such infidelities were carried out with a different purpose, that is, just a temptation-pleasure - the effect of such events on the partner is still important.
No matter. In this case, we observe in the family (couple) a characteristic cycle - after an outburst of feelings and rapprochement - there comes a distance, growing dissatisfaction on the part of the passive, which begins to manifest itself (the work of the subconscious - therefore unconsciously) in whims, quarrelsomeness, bitchiness, reproaches, .. - very different manifestations.
Climax
But all are characteristic - that the active partner after a while gets up and barks or "raises his hand" or in some other way puts her in her place (externally) - but in fact will give her the long-awaited feeling of that very active man nearby. Not even sex, by the way - although sex will be a clear manifestation of just such a man. All others (3 types) are slobs and "sons" in front of a real asset.
This is what the lady-passive sees in the head, I mean.
There comes a climax, both get satisfaction, socially-sexual, and it usually repeats itself over and over again. The cycle can be from a couple of days to months .. Tens of years, actually. The couple swears like, fights, shouts - and enjoys the feeling of closeness, and God forbid someone rushes to "reconcile" the spouses ...
Man is an asset
Now about the complex "masked" cases.
Like a male father?
Outwardly, a man behaves like a "father", for example. Decent, caring, polite .. And inside?
Many times in the head of this man there are epithets and desires (not realized, of course!), Which do not suit his father in any way. And only his upbringing saves his spouse from flogging and whipping and other things .. At the same time, inside it all at such minutes and hours boils and boils - but does not find a way out. And the "passive" spouse is more and more insistently provoking the "husband's rag" to express strength and other emotions ..
I once used the term "kind aggressive"
Kind aggressive
What it is? And here it is ... a man who most of the time behaves like a father - caring and kind, attentive, .. But when the "bed" approaches, POWER wakes up in him ... no, not an erection, but leadership. Yes, he can hide it and not show it. For different reasons. For example - from childhood to learn that the pioneers do not act like that ... and it can be learned through bitter experience that there is no one to realize their strength, activity - with no one, nowhere .. Life ... But - there is a need!
The ability to be flexible, to show your different sides, different hypostases is important for any "not pure" type. In different conditions, we need to act and think in different ways. When a girl is sad, she has anxiety - her father will better comfort and delight. And when she's in a playful mood, it is better for her father to take a back seat. And give way to the "asset" - persistent, inventive and cheerful.
It is with this type that stable enough pairs are obtained for a woman-passive. Not perfect, but sinusoidal. They cling to, quarrel - but continue to live. They tell everyone that they don't love each other - but sometimes they also feel tenderness and so on for each other ..
The father-daughter couple has similar cycles, but there they are less stormy, there is no such intensity of passions ..
The question is - is there really an Active in you, huh?
9.11.2016 6321
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Relationships are difficult. To understand this, you do not need to be seven inches in the forehead. While there are no clear guidelines on how to behave in relationships, there are things that men should avoid in romantic relationships with other men. Yes, some of these useful tips are suitable for all genders in any relationship, but many of them concern exclusively gay / bi men. So here they are: 27 things gay / bi men should never do in a healthy relationship.
1. Compare yourself with him
When you are in a heterosexual relationship, comparing yourself to your partner directly is much more difficult. But if you are dating another man, it is difficult NOT to compare yourself with your chosen one. However, try not to do this. Nothing good will come of it. You two different people with different strengths and weaknesses. His body may be better than yours, but you are kinder. He can earn more money, and you can help more people. You need someone to balance you, and therefore there will always be something your boyfriend is better at than you, which is absolutely normal.
2. Compare him with his ex
Comparing your new boyfriend to your ex is bad business. He should not be like those who came before him. They became exes for a reason. And you obviously don't want to date a guy exactly like your ex. That relationship is over!
3. Allow homophobic comments from family members
Some of you may come from a homophobic family that calls your sexual identity “lifestyle”. They may also harass you with other homophobic language. A healthy same-sex couple does not tolerate family homophobia. If someone from your family annoys your partner with intolerant statements, stand up for him.
4. Get jealous of random guys
It's hard not to get jealous when guys meet or flirt with him and not with you. It makes you feel less attractive of the two of you. And even if so, what? This means that you are dating. This means that he likes you not only because of your appearance. This means that you are truly a wonderful person!
5. Lie about your aspirations, needs or desires
Don't say you agree to an open relationship if you don't. Do not claim that you are not looking for anything serious if that is exactly what you are looking for. Conversely, don't lie for fear of hurting him. Don't say you want a serious relationship if you don't need it. Be honest about what you want from him and from your relationship.
6. You can say no
It is surprisingly difficult to say no, especially to those you care about. (Unless you're a bitch, then it's probably not that hard). But in a relationship, it's important to say no when you feel uncomfortable.
7. Don't reciprocate in sex
You should be generous lovers and do something nice for yourself and your partner. A relationship with a selfish lover never works out (unless it's a special BDSM practice).
8. To belittle him
Rare jokes can work, but constant ridicule is no longer funny. Constantly embarrassing or belittling your partner in front of your friends is unacceptable.
9. Make it hide orientation
Yes, sometimes there are circumstances when a boyfriend asks you to hide your orientation in front of an elderly homophobic grandmother on the verge of death or because of something like that, but in the other 95% of cases, he should not ask you about it. It took him years to get out of the closet. And it was difficult. You are asking too much of your partner if you ask him to hide his orientation even for a short period of time.
10. Asking him to stop chatting with friends
This is a form of manipulation and violence. Some men use their vulnerabilities, needs, and tears to get you to do the things they want them to do. For example, stop chatting with friends in order to spend more time with him. If this happens, end the relationship. He's manipulating you.
11. Get jealous when he hangs out with other guys
Or, to put it another way: you can be jealous, but don't get angry and don't do anything reckless. It's better to talk to him about it, especially if he has a habit of flirting too explicitly with guys. But remember, he's human too. There is nothing wrong with looking at someone until it turns into something more.
12. Hang on the phone for a long time
It's rude and very annoying. Of course, if you are both in bed, hanging on your phones and talking at the same time, then there is no problem with that. But at dinner or when he tries to strike up a conversation with you, leave the phone alone!
13. Make him read your mind
I had a guy who told me: "I want you to guess what I want." How? Queer guys have a lot of skills, but mind reading is not on this list. Don't expect anything. If you need something and it is important to you, let him know. Be specific, be honest, be honest.
14. Let contradictions stand before scandal
I can’t even convey in words how I am to blame for this. Try not to accumulate negative emotions. If something upsets you, you need to say about it so that it does not accumulate in you. Otherwise, it will lead to the fact that you will be angry about a trifle, because you have accumulated too much negativity towards your boyfriend.
15. Talking to him in a bad manner
Disagreements happen. We make mistakes. But no matter what, no matter how angry you are, you have to treat him with respect. This means that you should never talk to him in a bad manner, no matter how annoyed you are.
16. Make him uncomfortable
It seems obvious, but it's not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes, due to the fact that we cannot refuse (see point 6), the partner pushes us towards something that we do not like to do. Don't be that kind of partner. You should know if your boyfriend is having a hard time turning you down. Don't overuse it. Try to do the opposite - make sure that he feels comfortable and safe, because you know that it is difficult for him to refuse you.
17. Remind him of everything during a quarrel
A quarrel or dispute should focus on one thing. Either you did something wrong, or you tend to do something that I don't like. The topic of conversation should be one thing. Do not tell him every little thing that he did wrong and that is not related to the problem. If these little things do not suit you either, leave them for another time to deal with them.
18. Forbid him to communicate with ex
I was not sure whether to add this item or not, but it seems important to me. I don't hang out with "serious" exes. I am friends with a lot of guys that I have dated / slept with, but not with those whom I have loved and with whom I have had a serious relationship. In my opinion, nothing good comes of it. It’s hard for me to go forward when I’m talking to a very close ex. And honestly, I have enough friends. But a lot of guys are still friends with guys they've dated seriously. Lucky ones! You should trust your partner when he says they are just friends with your ex. You can't stop him from hanging out with his ex. You have no right to this. You can express your doubts about this (for example, you know that his ex was fond of manipulation and are wary of their friendship), but you cannot force him to do something.
19. Blame him for everything
Not everything around him is his fault. Sometimes it’s your fault, and sometimes it’s not your fault at all. There are griefs in life. Don't blame him for everything that goes wrong.
20. Secretly use sex apps
This refers more to the beginning of a serious relationship, just when you get to know him better. Do not use these apps when you are with it. To be honest, I've done it myself before. Checked Grindr / Tinder while he was on the toilet to see if another guy had texted me. Be in the moment. Grindr can be checked later when you are sitting in the toilet yourself.
21. Lying to him about your sexual activity
All gay men know that sex can have health risks. Don't lie to him about your sexual behavior. Do not say that you only sleep with him if you are not. Don't say you're having protected sex if you like strangers to cum inside you.
22. Use your weaknesses to hold him back
This is a classic sign of manipulation. Use your vulnerabilities to force him to do something for you. It's insidious and manipulative. Don't be a terrible partner.
23. Let Romance Die
Another reason you shouldn't miss your evening date is because you don't want the romance to go away. Don't forget about cute little things like flowers, comments about how good he looks, and declarations of love.
24. Demand sex / settle for mediocre sex
Don't ask for sex. Don't settle for mediocre sex. If any of you are not in the mood, you better not have sex. Wait until both of you want it. It's not very pleasant to have sex just to satisfy your partner. This leads to mediocre sex for both of you.
25. Avoid vulnerabilities
Be open. Be honest. Everyone is scared to be vulnerable. There is always the possibility that you will open up to him, but he will not accept you. However, it is worth the risk. Without vulnerability, a real relationship won't work.
26. Mix desires and needs
We want something. And we need something. Don't confuse these concepts. Don't demand what you want and don't be content with not getting what you need.
27. Forgetting why you are dating him
At some point in the relationship, you will undoubtedly be very difficult. It's just how relationships work. Never forget why you are dating him; never forget his positive traits and why you fell in love with him.
For a healthy and high-quality sex life, it is important to determine the sexual role of each partner. It is known that there are several partner roles, namely asset, liability and generalist. First you need to figure out who the asset and liability are in sex. Remember that both roles are equal.
Assets
Consider who an asset is. The asset often acts as a partner, from whom the initiative in sex comes. The asset is called so because it makes active actions on the passive in sex. The assets themselves recognize the enjoyment of inducing the other partner to passive role... However, the sexual role is also manifested in Everyday life... For example, an asset in sex will exhibit a clear dominance in verbal communication with a person who manifests itself as a passive in sex. When visiting a restaurant, an asset will offer to pay the bill, and upon entering the premises, it will skip the liability ahead. It is believed that assets dominate liabilities in any situation, however, in real life this is not entirely true.
Passive
Now you need to figure out who the liability is. A partner who performs a passive role in sex, takes on the actions of an active, and in other conditions often follows the lead of an active one, listens to his desires and rarely puts forward his own proposals. The younger partner often plays a passive role. However, one should not think that the liabilities are people with low self-esteem or those who prefer to "lie down" in sex. Liabilities are very often people who lead an active social life and have influence, but in sexual matters prefer to relax and give an active role to their partner.
Station wagon
A person who from time to time prefers to change his own role is considered a universal: to be either an asset or a liability. In this case, both a station wagon and an asset or liability can become a pair for a station wagon. But it is quite difficult to find pairs with two assets or two liabilities. According to statistics, 57% of people consider themselves generalists in bed, 24% tend to an active role and 19% to a passive role in sex. If partners often change roles in sex, then they should be considered generalists.
Sometimes manifested as a slight curiosity for male love, and at times turns into a genuine obsession with intimacy with another man.
For a bachelor, bisexuality can be a gift from heaven if, of course, we leave aside the common moral norms, religious dogmas and political speculation in society. Although he usually feels that it is better to keep his personal life in deep secrecy from others, intimate intimacy with another man for him is not associated with feelings of guilt over lying to his wife or girlfriend. But a married bisexual man, like his spouse, faces a real dilemma.
Many husbands who reveal to their wives the truth about their sexuality are sure that they are in the center of attention: their feelings, their emotions, their needs, their right to be themselves without any consequences or restrictions. But when he decides to confess (or if one way or another she finds out the truth about her husband), then this is not entirely true. It is not his life that is changing; for him the only change is his wife, who at once was in complete confusion. He dropped the bomb. And her life is shattering, not to mention the fact that she has to cope with this discovery, passing through difficult and heart-breaking women's emotions.
Shock first. She had been married to this man for many years and did not know who he was. She feels betrayed. All this time he kept secrets from me. He had to tell me before the wedding. She feels threatened. I am not attracted to him. He will go to another. She is filled with doubts. And what does he do when he works late twice a week? Is he sleeping with a man? And she worries about what people will think, what will happen to their family, whether they will be able to keep friends. If he has a relationship with a man, she is afraid that he could get some kind of infection and pass it on to her. Suddenly everything in her life was different.
The future is unclear.
Husbands need to know this is a critical time for marriage if they want to keep the family together. It is important that she is the center of attention; Husbands should be sensitive to her emotions, listen to her, and let her get through the initial shock. (And trust me, no matter how well you know your spouse, her reaction can be unpredictable.) She needs confidence most of all. The confession was unexpected and struck with all its might: she does not know what to expect next. Most likely, she thinks that you are going with the spirit to tell her that you are leaving - to a man. Leave your own emotions for a while assure her of love and devotion, convince her that you want to save your marriage. She needs time to get used to the idea of her husband's bisexuality.
However, if the marriage is mostly solid, she will hold on to love and almost immediately begin to adapt to new circumstances with all her might, although the husband will most likely see only confusion and anger. But, since women have different origins, education, views, there are exceptions. Some women are much more optimistic in these situations. A husband's bisexuality can heighten her feelings and even become something that she wants to share.
As the author of a novel about bisexual husbands and their wives, I receive letters from women in this situation. Without extolling, but also not condemning a wife who shares her husband's bisexual experiences, I would like to explore her attitude to this issue. She might be called a liberal, or broad-minded, or a bad Christian, but I don't think such a woman can be called a lost soul.
For her unique feature her marriage has become their advantage with her husband, an opportunity to improve their sex life in an unconventional way. She shares his experiences and hobbies with her husband, and does not just accept him as he is. She is not tormented by the assumptions that he started - she is next to him. While being intimate with her husband together continues to enjoy and strengthen their bond, she may, under certain circumstances, treat sex as a massage. After all, knowing how human bodies and minds respond to sex, we can say that intimacy is part of our nature and our natural curiosity, and that marriage may not hold back sexual urges ... as long as both spouses share them.
However, most women remain within their parenting or religious beliefs... They will never approve of or participate in anything sexual outside of marriage. And many husbands will be waiting for packed suitcases with things collected by spouses while they were at work the very next day (I am sure that if a wife chooses this path, then in the very basis of marriage there already existed a flaw that would destroy the relationship without opening about husband's bisexuality).
Mens
All men in this world are different from each other. Different desires. Different strength of attraction. Different depths of physical intimacy they need. More precisely, some need only the most superficial contact with another man, while others would like to plunge into a long, full-fledged relationship that includes both emotional and physical intimacy - what is called love.
Although many sexologists believe Kinsey scale too simple, it can give an idea of a man's sexuality. It contains 7 levels, and only a few men are “strict” heterosexuals or homosexuals. I myself am about level 2.
0. Complete heterosexuality
1 Prevailing heterosexuality, single homosexual contacts
2 Prevailing heterosexuality, more than a few homosexual contacts
3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual; bisexuality
4 Prevailing homosexuality, more than a few heterosexual contacts
5 Prevailing homosexuality, sporadic heterosexual contact
6 Complete homosexuality
It can help if the wife understands where her husband is on this scale. This requires that he can speak openly and honestly about himself without feeling awkward. If the wife starts reading morality or falls into a depressed mood, or uses the words he said against him the next day, he will either be silent or say only what she would like to hear.
Path to resolution
After the initial reaction of surprise, anger, depression, doubt and contempt, despite her inalienable right to express all these emotions, despite the desire to push him in the jaw, the wife must eventually do everything possible to become impartial and understanding. Of course, she must give time to her own emotions, and she has every right to ask questions and express feelings, but if she remains an accuser or attacks, most likely the situation will go to a dead end. She should listen, try to put herself in the place of her husband, understand what nature requires.
Bisexuality is not his choice, nor are its consequences.
For him, the desire for intimacy with a man is natural, this is something with which he was born - and therefore beautiful. He is confident that in a different social setting, every man would have a close friend, and the relationship between them would not only be accepted by society, wife and family, but would also be encouraged by them.
He would like to reveal this part of his personality to his wife, talk to her openly and gain her understanding. He is still the same man she married - now she only knows something about him that she did not know before. Most likely, the personality traits due to his bisexuality are precisely related to her love for him.
Why didn't he tell me anything when I married him? Because he was in love with you. He was afraid that you would not become his wife if you find out the truth. He did not understand human nature as deeply as he could, and believed that this part of his sexuality would die out over time. Perhaps he didn't think about it at all, because he was absorbed in you.
Then why talk about it twenty years later? Even if the wife knew from the very beginning, this issue often fades into the background, and then resurfaces years later. When you are young and in love, nothing else matters, there is no place for anyone else. Then we start a professional life that consumes a lot of our energy. Then children appeared, and with them new priorities. We are just so busy with life that we have no time to reflect on what we are missing. And all this time the ghost lives, breathes, waits, eventually wakes up and becomes restless. Children grow up and no longer need us so much. Quarries are established and do not require that much attention. A man lives peacefully in marriage, not imagining that anything can change. And then all life is suddenly redefined.
As strange as it may sound, many men believe that bisexuality is fully compatible with their marriage. He loves his wife no less than before she knew. He doesn't want to leave marriage and certainly doesn't want to lose loved ones, unless he is 100% gay and strives for a gay lifestyle, which is unlikely to be a real revelation for his wife. Again, since women's love tends to nourish and support, even absolute gays may not want to leave the family. He's the same guy that his wife loved all this time, now she just knows him better. Much depends on whether he entered into a physical relationship with another man.
If so, the situation is changing. It is about more than revealing his true sexuality, it is a sad form of deception. The wife will have to decide whether to view the relationship with another man as part of the big picture that opens up to her, or as a separate issue, simple infidelity and lies. The matter becomes more complicated, the decision is much more difficult to make. Will I ever trust him again?
The fact remains that he is bisexual. There is no cure, his sexuality will never change. Before marriage can go any further, the wife must assess her situation and establish the boundaries of her tolerance. With what will she reconcile, and with what - no? Will she allow her husband to keep his close friend (even if their relationship is not sexual)? Can he still go out with other men? Can he join a male social group (even if it's just guys who strip in front of each other before getting into a hot jacuzzi?) Will he be allowed to have a boyfriend (maybe yes, but would she want to know anything Would she want to join her husband and share his unusual sexual experiences? Would she want to be known about his bisexuality outside of their marriage?
These issues must be resolved with the husband for the marriage to continue. One unresolved aspect, one question mark, and the road will get longer. Longer but not impassable. If there are no serious flaws in the marriage, personal clashes, different views and the aspirations of the spouses, it can be a surprisingly solid, a kind of fertile garden where love can flourish. A husband's bisexuality is life-changing by rewriting the rules, but the new rules may work for both spouses. There is every reason to believe that after experiencing the initial anger and anxiety, the marriage will become stronger.
These problems excite me deeply. I'm sure they concern many more families than we will ever know. Many husbands choose to remain silent. I believe that deep in men live a natural relationship and attraction to other men. They can manifest as desire physical contact when playing sports, or as a friendship of poker players, or as a desire for physical intimacy. All these manifestations are interconnected.
Translated by Irina Yasinova, specially for Guys PLUS
Hello!
You very rightly remarked that you yourself contributed to this situation. It's like feeding a child with candy and then complaining that he has bad teeth.
I think early on in your relationship, your husband could be helped. You said that his bisexuality arose as a result of rape - that is, the root cause was psychological trauma. Instead of helping your husband get rid of the consequences of the trauma, you jointly cultivated its consequences and achieved the fact that, in general, a normal man developed homosexuality. Now, after so many years of regular sex with men, this has become an organic part of it. And, it is clear that it will hardly be possible to reverse this. Let's say 1 chance in a hundred.
On the other hand, it is not you, not your husband, who is not being asked for it. So, I rather pronounce it as it should have been. You yourself admit that you got your buzz from your husband's bisexuality. And you have to pay for the pleasure. So you paid. Although, personally to me, you are very sorry.
Now what to do.
Try to keep your child safe from these triangular dates. A little more and he will perceive it as the norm. "Mom, Dad and Daddy's Lover", can you imagine what would happen if a child draws such a picture at school? But he will draw! Children are much smarter and smarter than we think. And the consequences are much worse than we think at first glance. This environment is painfully polluted. Illness, drugs and violence are painfully close to her ... Although, God forbid, of course.
This measure is needed at least in order to keep her husband next to her. You said you indulged him. Well, you continue to indulge. But what if the condition is firmly set. "You know, honey, we walked up. The son is growing, think about him. Let's keep your relationship to a minimum." Manipulation, of course. But, if the husband is also a good father, for sure, it will work. And that's what you need. You have to keep your family ... So, you will have to gradually remove all these lovers, squeeze them out, so to speak, in mass.
Load your husband more with things. Plan joint trips, invite your friends to the house. "Man does not live by sex alone." The more that happens between you, the better.
Start sending your husband romantic text messages yourself. If I were you, I would even risk having a virtual romance with him on behalf of a "pleasant stranger." "Treat like like like," said some sage. Now your husband, in addition to the technical side of the issue, is very tempted in a love affair by its novelty, unexpectedness, sweet forbiddenness with simultaneous permissiveness, anticipation of sensations and feelings, and much more. But you yourself can give it to him! Who, if not you, know him thoroughly. Imagine if, after several weeks (months) of a virtual novel, he finds out that in fact all this time he has been waiting and striving for ... his own wife. If after that you say that you did it out of despair, in the hope of returning him love, who knows, maybe he will understand how wrong he was?
In a word, everything is possible in love! Love, moreover, legal and consecrated by marriage, knows no boundaries. Rather, the boundaries (around the happy couple) should be. And you urgently need to work on strengthening them!
And yet, try, after all, to become calmer and learn to control yourself. Tantrums do not adorn any woman. I think you are now also tortured by guilt. So, his - to the side. You cannot undo what has been done, but you have to live. And if possible - happily. Try it! Take you in hand and start acting. If you have any questions - write. Good luck!
