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How does a midlife crisis occur in men and how long does it last? Midlife Crisis: Causes and How to Cope How Midlife Crisis Affects

1. Looking in the mirror, you do not recognize yourself: an adult face, a serious look, wrinkles ... Is this person of age - me ?!
2. You have the urge to quit a good job.
3. There was an interest in religion, church, philosophy of a new age.
4. Activities that were previously enjoyable have become boring.
5. It has become difficult to concentrate on things that have recently come easily.
6. You feel good when you hurt.
7. There was a desire to run away from everything.
8. There was a need to improve my physical fitness.
9. You feel irritable or have a sudden fit of anger.
10. In my head there are solid "NOT" - I did not reach, I did not have time, I could NOT.
11. You are comparing yourself to other people your age who you think have done better.
12. You have a desire to actively move or engage in extreme sports (running, cycling, dancing, racing in red sports cars, parachuting, etc.).
13. You have a desire to listen to other music.
14. Suddenly, a desire to learn how to play a musical instrument was discovered.
15. You take an unexpected interest in drawing, painting, writing books or poetry.
16. The need for sleep has changed: decreased or increased.
17. You started thinking about death, talking about its nature.
18. You started taking vitamins or nutritional supplements with the aim of prolonging life.
19. You've made dramatic changes to your diet.
20. You are buying new clothes more often and spending more time looking good.
21. You experience natural changes in hair color, thickness and quantity. You change your hairstyle, you need to dye your hair.
22. There are more and more people around you who are younger than you. Suddenly you find that a handsome young man is good for your son.
23. The attitude towards young people has changed: you either try to spend more time in their company, or avoid their company, because you feel uncomfortable, feeling your age.
24. You try to give new life things bought 20 years ago.
25. You are not satisfied with the society in which you live, you want to change it.
26. You have a desire to teach or heal other people.
27. You want a simple life.
28. You began to remember your childhood often.
29. You increasingly think about the future.
30. You are overly fixated on problems.
31. You have become weary.
32. There are memory problems.
33. New diseases are opening up.
34. The consequences of bad habits - smoking, alcohol consumption - have accumulated.
35. You have become more stressed. An internal transformation characteristic of this age takes place, after the death of loved ones, peer friends, loss of work, divorce.
36. Someone suddenly exclaims, "You're in a midlife crisis!"

How the midlife crisis is progressing

A midlife crisis does not happen in a vacuum. It always happens in the context of a relationship. At a broad social level, its course depends on cultural norms of life, expectations of happiness, measures of success achieved, opportunities for mobility, medical success for health and beauty, wars and twists of fate, as well as on the experience that we draw from our ancestors and partners of the average age.

Regardless of where and when you started your journey, most couples end up entering uncharted middle-aged territory. Even if one partner goes through a midlife crisis, his crisis becomes yours.

What is this - a midlife crisis? A midlife crisis is defined as a period of emotional turmoil in middle age (40–60 years) and is characterized by a strong desire for change.

Although the term “midlife crisis” originally referred only to men, namely: it was driven by the fear of death that characterizes this age period, the definition has now been expanded to include the issues faced by both men and women in response to physical , social and psychological problems associated with aging. Middle age is a journey of reappraisal, subtotal, and redefinition.

Scientific studies have shown that only 10–26% of people over 40 are experiencing a crisis, so it might be more appropriate to talk about a middle age transition.

Whatever you call it, this age brings certain changes in the worldview and attitude. Many people define it as a time of personal turmoil and change. Contrary to theoretical expectations, the special interview participants did not associate midlife crisis with aging or fear of death. Men focused on problems with work or marriage, women noted changes in health, family and personal relationships.

Midlife crisis and women

You think:"I am getting old", "youth has passed", "years are taking their toll", "I am young at heart, but we must remember about the passport age", "must be examined."

You feel:“I don’t want anything,” “everything is annoying,” “it’s scary to think about the future,” “everything is behind,” “I have become invisible to men.”

You know:“The better half of my life has already been lived”, “I will never become ...”, “I will never do ...”, “I can never ...”, “I am vulnerable to the fact that I am many years old”.

It's all about age, but not only.

Age is just a number. Young energy defies age.<…>

"If youth knew, if old age could!" But youth is over, and old age has not yet come. We are in that wonderful middle age when we still want and can already. This is a new spiral, where every day is appreciated.

In psychology, there is a phenomenon called figure-ground. If you carefully focus on some part of the field, that is, make it a "figure", then everything else goes into the "background" and ceases to be perceived.

Appreciate what you have done - "figure". Down with comparing yourself to others! If there were events in your life that you regret, then treat them from the perspective of gaining experience, because it is known that it is better to regret what has been done than what has not been done.

To preserve beauty, it is necessary to comb not only your hair, but also your thoughts, because age is given not so much by wrinkles as by dull eyes and fatigue from life. Therefore, the question "How to feel younger?" more and more often address a psychologist and psychotherapist. However, no cosmetic procedure or plastic surgery can restore shine to the eyes, flexibility to the body, or daring to the soul. A dull, dull look speaks more eloquently than a passport.

What to do?

First, don't blame your appearance changes as age. So that thoughts of leaving youth do not overwhelm, explain the changes in the face and figure with a complex rhythm of life, an unfavorable environmental situation, and hard work. Secondly, strive to maintain psychological youth - to feel active, interested, enthusiastic. A positive inner attitude always has a positive effect on the outer appearance.

Each emotion is reflected on the face, training some muscles and leaving others without proper load. Over time, a person's mimic mask is formed.

The more we are nervous, irritated and angry, the longer we feel internal discontent, the more clearly negative emotions are imprinted on the face, including in the form of wrinkles, drooping corners of the mouth, overhanging upper eyelids.<…>

Age is often manifested by increased fatigue, slight forgetfulness, which can hardly be said to be a "girl's memory"; more and more often the word "sclerosis" flies from the lips when you cannot remember any simple and familiar word.

Scolding your brain for sluggishness and attributing all this to age, you should remember that a non-working organ reduces its function - during hypodynamia, the knees do not bend and the stomach sags, since the non-working brain becomes as lazy as you are. When every day of life is similar to the previous one, the brain loses its ability to adapt to new situations. There is a way out: add variety to your life - change your route to work, change to a bike, don't go home after work, but arrange interesting outings at least once a week.

Throw the calculator into the far drawer. What for?

Here is an exercise by which a psychiatrist usually tests one of the brain functions in old people.

Subtract 7 from 100 (you get 93), subtract 7 from 93, and so on down. If it turned out quickly and without hesitation - my compliments, if not - immediately throw away the calculator. Arithmetic and more arithmetic in the name of brain training! Down with weeklies and cell phone entries - try to memorize friends' birthdays, business and phone numbers. Difficult? Try it!

Travel. One week on the road can give you more impressions and memories than an entire year of ordinary life. New places, people, traditions and languages ​​make your brain shake itself up from the drowsiness of everyday life.

Often we console ourselves with the fact that wisdom comes with age, but I want to reassure you. Sometimes the age comes alone. If at 20 there was no mind, then at 40 there will be no wisdom either. The wisdom is not that you know a tomato is a berry, but that you don't put it in a fruit salad. If you are unsuccessfully climbing a ladder and cannot overcome an obstacle in front of you, then you have put the ladder against the wrong wall.

Don't struggle with age, make it your ally, enjoy maturity. If a children's short dress is not enough for you, you need to buy yourself a decent evening dress.

Mastering new psychological roles is your main task at every stage of life.

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The midlife crisis is often dismissed as irrelevant and ludicrous. It has become a cliche for middle-aged men with poorly dyed hair in overly tight jeans driving sports cars - all of which impress women who are half their age.

But many men and women reach the stage of life where they realize that time may have caught up with them and that they may no longer be in their prime. As a result, they may suffer from a crisis of trust that affects their lives and careers.

Middle age is the time in life when we hear two voices calling us. One says, "Why not?" And the other, "Why bother?"

- Sydney J. Harris, American Journalist (1917-1986)

In this article, we'll look at the signs and symptoms of a midlife crisis and explore strategies for coping with it.

What is a midlife crisis?

A midlife crisis is a period of emotional turmoil in middle age, characterized by a particularly strong drive for change.

People react to a midlife crisis in different ways, but this usually involves changes in their behavior and feelings, as well as their attitude towards life. This can happen at any time and can last for several years.

The term “midlife crisis” reflects the negative aspects of change. This phenomenon is also known as:

The transitional period of middle age.
In search of identity.
Change of life.
Empty Nest Syndrome.
Identity verification or identity assessment.

The phrase you choose to describe is less important than your strategy to deal with. But it's worth considering whether the transition should be a “crisis,” or if it's just part of coming to terms with the changes in your life.

Researchers define median age as between 30 and 70 years old, mostly in people between 40 and 60 years of age.

What can cause a midlife crisis?

A midlife crisis can be triggered by a significant life event that often reminds us of our age and suggests that time is running out. The root causes are associated, but not exclusively, with one or more of these six life changes:

Aging Awareness and Mortality: This could be your first pair of reading glasses, hair loss, menopause, or the death of a peer.

The feeling of "nowhere to go" in your career.

The end (or absence) of meaningful relationships in your life.

Children become more independent or leave home.

Regrets about your goals and achievements in life.

The push of a major event can make us reflect on what we have achieved in our lives and, more importantly, what we have not achieved. It can make us feel frustrated and full of regret, and motivate us to change our lives drastically, to try to regain our youth or find a sense of fulfillment.

What are the signs of a midlife crisis?

Because a midlife crisis can affect people in many ways, there is no simple behavior checklist. However, some signs seem to be common, such as sudden changes in habits or mood swings, feelings of anger or anxiety, emotional outbursts or impulsive decision-making and risk taking.

Other warning signs may include wanting to “get away from it all,” feeling trapped in your role or life, being obsessed with your appearance or health, regretting your past and new spending habits to focus on fun and excitement.

Overcoming the midlife crisis

Coping with a midlife crisis is challenging, but can be dealt with. Here, we look at four strategies to cope with this challenging stage in life.

1. Talk to someone
Don't hold back your feelings. Trust someone you trust, such as a friend or partner, your doctor, qualified counselor, trainer, or therapist.

Some of the signs of a midlife crisis - loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy, feelings of pessimism or hopelessness, and in extreme cases - suicidal thoughts - are also symptoms of depression, and ignoring them can have serious consequences for your health.

Alternatively, journaling can help you understand your thoughts and feelings, and it can help you understand any stresses in your life and career.

2. Rethink your situation
We tend to look back at our youth as "the good old days" and forget the problems and difficulties we faced then.

But there are many positives to aging, such as wisdom, experience, and safety. Therefore, instead of saying: “My better days behind ", ask yourself:" What do I want to change? " Use rational thinking to challenge any negative thoughts and focus on what you still want out of life, not what you have lost. “Count your blessings” and think about what you are grateful for.

Now that you are feeling stronger, take another look at your unfulfilled ambitions. Is it too late to reach them? Consider this time as an awakening and as your chance to redefine your life and make changes for the better.

3. Conduct a life audit
Perhaps you are now feeling excruciating dissatisfaction and want to make some kind of drastic changes before it is too late. But before you do, it's worth thoroughly brainstorming what works in your life and what doesn't.

Use this time as an opportunity to redefine your values ​​and sense of purpose. Don't judge your situation by the expectations of others or compare them to other people - they probably have their own doubts and insecurities.

Think about the times when you felt the happiest, proud, and most fulfilled in your career and personal life. Are you still living the values ​​that inspired this experience? If not, what changes can you make to change everything?

4. Set new goals
The goals you once had - to buy a home, climb the corporate ladder, or start a family - may no longer be as relevant or as important to you as they once were. If so, it's time to rethink what you want out of life and align those goals with the values ​​you just defined. For example, you can learn a new skill or language, or do charity work or community service.

You may be tempted to think, "What's the point at my age?" But if not now, then when?

Key points

Midlife crisis is a commonly used term that describes a significant shift in identity and self-confidence in middle age. It is often triggered by a significant life event, such as a child leaving home or health concerns.

It affects both men and women, and results in feelings and behaviors that reflect a desire to regain lost youth or to realize forgotten dreams and ambitions.

There are four steps you can take to overcome a midlife crisis: talk to someone you trust, change your situation, conduct a life audit, and set new goals.

You will soon find that a midlife crisis does not have to be a "crisis." Instead, it can be an opportunity for significant, positive change.

Have you noticed how your acquaintance man, a person who is fully accomplished, as a person, as a professional in his field and as a wonderful family man, for no reason at all becomes not himself, as if he was replaced? A man leaves his beloved wife, abandons his own children, is constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown, closes in himself, changes his profession or is going to swim the ocean in a rowboat all alone at the age of 40, not counting the dog, and creates others not to predict actions. In general, a man acts as if there is a completely different person in front of you, but not the same guy you have known for 25 years, from school. As if the person was changed!

Sometimes a man changes beyond recognition, he is not recognized not only by acquaintances and friends, but even the closest people, family. In many such cases, even the men themselves cannot understand what is happening to them. Therefore, the task of relatives and friends is to help a man overcome the period of midlife crisis and support a man at a new stage of life. Indeed, a midlife crisis in men is a stage during which males reconsider their attitude towards themselves, as well as their attitude towards outside world... There comes a period of reassessment of the usual views on life, a change in foundations and values.

The midlife crisis in men has its advantages, which help to realize the fact that life does not stand still, and even with age something needs to be changed in it, you need to live in a new way and gratefully accept all the gifts of mature age.

In many cases, symptoms of a midlife crisis include:

• Depression, loss of meaning in life.
• It may seem to a man that he was mistaken in choosing a profession, place of work, and also in choosing a life partner.
• Loss of the significance of all material achievements, family happiness, complete disappointment in people.
• Living life seems unfair and boring.
• Complete dissatisfaction with yourself.
• The desire to turn your world upside down, to replace routine work is unknown to what.
• Family life, social circle and familiar people acquire a "taste" of monotony.
• For outsiders, a midlife crisis in a man causes misunderstanding and condemnation. In turn, the man believes that his environment (people) treat him with misunderstanding, refuse to support him, so there can be nothing in common with them and even there is nothing to talk about with them.

In social circles, such a phenomenon as a midlife crisis is called the "rebellion of the forties," but in fact, a crisis in men can occur at the age of 30 or 50. Everything happens very individually. As a rule, men begin to experience such a difficult period after thirty years. It would be correct to highlight the word "begin", because just such a stage in life can last not a month or a year, but can be as long as a decade. The crisis stage is one of the most difficult and dramatic periods in a man's life. In terms of the strength of emotions and emotional instability, a midlife crisis can be compared with adolescence in boys. It is worth adding that both periods, adolescence and midlife crisis, have many similar emotional experiences.

Causes of the midlife crisis in men

More often than not, during a midlife crisis, all previously calmed problems from the past, from adolescence, emerge "outside". You could even say that the man is going through a second transitional period of growing up. If a man in the past, in adolescence, was never able to leave the zone of influence of relatives (mom, dad) in time, then after 30-40 years a man begins to realize that up to this moment he lived and thought not by his own desires, but acted according to other people's "laws". And now he wants to create his own "laws" himself. Hence, there is a natural craving and desire to know oneself, to find one's own path. This stage in life is not just a crisis - it is a global and final restructuring of a man, his values, his views on the world, on people and on himself.

Not all men are going through a crisis because they are affected by complexes from adolescence, more often there are other reasons for this:

Reason 1: success

Yes, it is the success of a man aged 30-50 that plays a huge role in his life. By about the age of 30-40, men achieve a certain professional growth and status in their careers. Here the man stops and asks himself questions: “Where to go next? How to live on? After all, the top has already been reached, where should I go? How can I stay on this summit and not fall? After all, from behind, on the way to the top, young and carefree guys are pushing. Can I change my profession? What if I don't have enough strength? Maybe I'm already old for this business? Will I have enough time to achieve a new goal? Will I have time to do everything? and other questions.

Reason 2: age-related changes

Biological time goes forward and physiological and age changes, the male body begins to age. The man has changes in appearance, the sex drive becomes lower, hormonal background unstable, the strength goes away. Not all men can accept such very difficult psychological and physiological changes. Especially in a society where there is a propaganda of youth, a beautiful pumped-up body, ideal beauty, vigor of the body and fortitude.

Reason 3: social relevance

In the course of life, the social role of a man changes: from a little boy he becomes an adult man, from a junior trainee he becomes the head of a department, from a freedom-loving guy he becomes a responsible family man who provides himself, his wife and children with material and spiritual benefits. Then the man comes at a time when the parents are getting old, and for some, the parents, unfortunately, die. Not all men are ready for such turns of events and for such changes in life - a complete reversal of roles. After all, you have to take responsibility for many other people: wife, elderly parents, adolescent children with their problems, etc. Therefore, in the end, a man begins to get depressed, he realizes that almost all life has passed, he is all I achieved it, I did everything for myself and my family, so what will happen next? Old age? Without a whole and meaning?

Crisis danger

During a crisis, the most dangerous is the depressive point of view: I can’t do anything, my life is lost, who needs me old, and so on. Such self-pity needs to be cut down at the root, because every age has its own advantages. You need to look at the world from a positive point of view: everything will work out, I am just starting to live, I accept the world as it is and let the world accept me as I am. Any praise, any kind word in relation to yourself and to your age, social status can significantly raise your spirits and look at the world in a different way.

Also, the danger lies in wait for men in making lightning-fast decisions to change everything radically once and for all. For example, this can include the desire to leave the family, take an unreasonable risk, give up everything, sell the house, give the money to the poor and go to live in Tibet as a wanderer, and so on. All radical decisions may bring a change in life, but they are self-deception and ultimately fill the soul with only sadness. After all, you cannot run away from yourself, the illusion is beautiful, but you need to change the world inside yourself.

A crisis in men can be a wonderful rebirth, a new stage for the take-off and start of new ideas and achievements.

This does not mean that you need to radically change all the usual foundations and lifestyle, you can only continue to develop and boldly follow your own path. A man needs to evaluate the time he has lived, all important situations, accept all past experience, rethink his desires and expectations, accept himself as new, thank himself for what he has achieved and continue to achieve even more in a new period of life. After all, life is valued not by the years lived, but by how much joy and enthusiasm there was in it.

It is important to audit life path, to realize the fact that every person grows up and comes to such an age where everything seems to have already been achieved and there is no goal. But a midlife crisis is not a sentence, and therefore it should be treated like a game of chess, life makes a move and you move to meet it. Therefore, it is worth considering all your actions, staying more in high spirits and not forgetting that all problems are solved, no matter how difficult they seem.

Look at some of the grandfathers blooming in their 60s as boys in their 20s. They do what they love, sports, look for new goals and do not lose heart. While others are already burying themselves after 45 years, they say, life is lost, there is no point and you don't want to look for it. But there is a sense! You need to accept your destiny and your life path, accept yourself as you are now. Try to find like-minded people, change the psychological environment, find those goals that make you smile and from which the desire to live arises.

It all depends on the man, on how much he wants and can accept his physiological and psychological changes, problems, and also much depends on the strength to look straight into the eyes of his new future.

How can you help a man overcome a midlife crisis?

• Be patient, support the man and don't react to his mood swings. Try to get through this period with understanding.
• Be prepared for the fact that such a period can last for a long time, in some cases it lasts for many years.
• Do not blame the man, it is also hard for him now. Give the man time to become aware of his needs, and determine his desires.
• Don't insist that the man go to the doctor. Don't give him advice or force him to do it.
• The wife and children should not be overly responsive to changes in the father's condition. Give him the opportunity to be alone.
• Do not make scandals and scenes of jealousy, do not blame or blame the man for what happened.
• Control yourself, even if the man behaves disgustingly. Give him time to think better.
• Show him that you love him in spite of everything and are always ready to give him a helping hand.
• Do not threaten a man, do not manipulate children, housing, etc.
• If the man begins to seek salvation in alcohol or smoking, try to talk to him gently.
• Show him all your love and care.
• If a man decided to leave the family, do not keep him, no matter how strange it may sound.
• If a man decides to change his field of activity, support him, inspire life in him with your faith in him.

How to cope with a midlife crisis in men

Very rarely, there are times when a midlife crisis comes unnoticed and goes away without much change. In any case, a midlife crisis brings some changes to a man's life. Therefore, all disagreements and conflicts must be resolved immediately and at the first stage of their appearance. You need to be able to find a compromise.

• A man should be prepared for a change in his psychological state, for mood swings, for thoughtless (spontaneous) actions. The main thing is to understand that this is only a period that must be passed with dignity. This is a kind of second transitional age. But life goes on and there is room for young people, adults and grandfathers. Try not to listen to others that 45 is almost old age. No, this is not old age, for a man 45-50 years old is the second youth, and there is no time for sadness, you have to have time to enjoy life.
• IN family relationships, there will also be changes, do not expect that the relationship with your wife will remain the same as 5 years ago. It cannot be avoided that the passion is dulled, but there are many options in order to refresh the relationship and bring into it new fire... Buy a ticket and go on a trip with your wife, relax by the sea, go skiing, etc. A crisis is needed to appreciate the past and make the future even more wonderful.
• A man should go in for sports, keep his body in good shape. After all, everyone knows that psychological health and physiological health are interconnected. Therefore, moderate exercise and proper nutrition help maintain overall health.
• A man should find a hobby. It can be anything, even collecting toy cars with radio control, any activity that a man likes.
• If a man cannot overcome this period on his own, he should consult a doctor. The doctor will help you go through a difficult period, tell you how to get through this stage in life. In especially severe cases, when men lose the meaning of life and become depressed, the doctor may prescribe special drugs to the man and healthy eating, in order to more quickly and painlessly come to a normal state.

Those men who have gone through all the turning points of the midlife crisis jokingly say about this time, "Gray in the head, devil in the rib." But at the same time, they always emphasize that life after 40 years is only the very beginning of an exciting journey called life. The midlife crisis in men is not a reason to be sad, because every new day can bring wonderful moments of joy and new meaning in life.

Worldview

21.10.2016

Snezhana Ivanova

A midlife crisis is a certain stage in a person's life path when there is a need to reassess values, rethink past experience.

- this is a certain stage in a person's life path, when there is a need to reassess values, rethink past experience. As a rule, the personality ceases to be satisfied with its position at the present moment. I would like to go to absolutely new level development, to reach the heights that previously seemed unattainable.

The midlife crisis spans 35 to 45 years. In women, this crisis begins earlier, in men, a little later. The mid-life crisis itself is associated with a rethinking of one's role in life, a search for the meaning of existence. That is why the crisis is called significant, global - it always brings discoveries with it. Correctly lived a midlife crisis contributes to personal growth, the disclosure of a person's potential, the emergence of new prospects and opportunities.

The main reason for the development of a midlife crisis is the inability to live based on previous beliefs. Strange as it may seem, experts often compare it to a teenage riot. Such a comparison can be partly considered appropriate for the reason that a person begins to behave extremely reckless and irrational, making stupidity after stupidity. At this moment, it seems that the usual way of life is crumbling and there is nothing good left that could greatly please. People begin to rush through life, do not know how to get out of the crisis. The midlife crisis is a very difficult test that will not escape anyone. Every once in a lifetime has to go through this difficult period. It can last from several months to several years.

Symptoms of a midlife crisis

As with any crisis, the midlife crisis has its own characteristic manifestations. The symptoms of the crisis cannot be confused with anything - they are so bright that they immediately catch the eye. What are these symptoms? Let's take a closer look.

Thoughts of impending old age

Unfortunately, the first thing a person begins to think about in a crisis is the inevitable old age. The symptoms of the crisis are very striking. Of course, no one gets younger over the years. However, quite recently, a young man begins to imagine that the most beautiful time in life has irrevocably passed and nothing can stop the flow of time. Many even begin to think that they have become less attractive physically. Sadness adds the appearance of gray hair, wrinkles and some ailments. Not yet at all an old man feels how the body begins to fade gradually and does not want to agree with these changes.

A midlife crisis often catches us by surprise, disarms, makes us strongly disappointed in ourselves and our own capabilities. It seems that youth is irrevocably gone, and the dreams of youth are buried somewhere behind everyday worries.

Dissatisfaction with achievements

A significant symptom of the crisis is strong dissatisfaction with the available results. A midlife crisis is characterized by the appearance of a feeling of mute hopelessness. It begins to seem to a person that he has not achieved anything up to the present time, and life irrevocably passes. Dissatisfaction with achievements extends mainly to the sphere of activity in which a person works, but can go beyond it. Literally everything starts to dislike: the position held, salary, own potential, which, it seems, has nowhere to apply. People are usually not happy about their fortieth birthday - which is why most simply do not celebrate this anniversary. In fact, forty years is not much. If men and women could truly appreciate the achievements they have, then the degree of psychological satisfaction would have increased significantly.

I must admit that creative people the midlife crisis manifests itself more powerfully and more intensely for the reason that they are more acutely experiencing the changes taking place with them and are extremely sensitive to any changes.

Dissatisfaction with personal relationships

Another characteristic symptom of a midlife crisis is strong dissatisfaction with having a relationship with your other half. The past years seem like a ridiculous mistake, which, moreover, there is no time to fix it. People in crisis cannot make informed decisions. Their actions and actions are governed by emotions. A partner who has been around for many years suddenly begins to annoy. People gradually begin to show dissatisfaction, to bring accusations against each other. So grievances accumulate, disappointments arise. The crisis forces us to revise this side of life as well. During a crisis, both men and women often do stupid things: they decide to divorce, rapidly change partners, forget about their daily duties. Many later regret their decision - when nothing can be corrected. Dissatisfaction with personal relationships arises due to the search for new opportunities and the problem with a partner does not always exist.

Men are so arranged that they experience any crisis much more acutely than women. The age crisis for them becomes a serious cause for anxiety and depression. Bad mood, doubts about your masculinity, unwillingness to do anything - these are only small manifestations of a midlife crisis.

Social success rate

This area is being revised for the reason that it is extremely important for every man to be realized in society. The stronger sex wants to feel in demand and needed. At work, he needs to achieve realization. Only then will he feel truly satisfied. The degree of social success determines the power of the crisis. The more unclaimed a man feels like a specialist, the more the crisis manifests itself. He may have worries associated with the timely payment of salaries. A man wants to feel himself the main earner and support of the family, therefore it is important for him to maintain his status.

The need for female attention

The midlife crisis is especially pronounced in relationships with the opposite sex. In the case of a man, the crisis forces him to constantly seek female attention. You need to understand that a man in this period needs attention, he wants to be admired. His inner being craves inspiration, self-disclosure, flight, fantasy. For a moment, it may seem that youthful dreams and aspirations are returning to him. A man wants someone to look at him with enthusiastic eyes, imbued with sincere respect. The need for female attention makes him pay attention to young girls. They are the ones who more often evaluate his romantic aspirations and impulses. The wife becomes a stranger who does not understand anything, so the man often moves away from the family.

Women who have entered a period of crisis also desperately need to feel in demand. They want attention, interested looks, romance. But they do not always get what they so selflessly desire. Women suffer from the crisis no less than men. What is the manifestation of a midlife crisis in the fair half? Let's try to figure it out!

Anxiety about appearance

The crisis necessarily affects the relationship of the beautiful half with herself. The attitude towards her appearance changes when a woman begins to notice the first expressive wrinkles. She no longer enjoys looking at her reflection. She may suffer from a lack of male attention, think that no one will ever be interested in her anymore. The situation is aggravated by the fact that a woman, as a rule, realizes that she is "soon forty years old" quite suddenly. The midlife crisis here manifests itself in the desire to prolong youth, to make oneself well-groomed and attractive. That is why visiting beauty salons becomes a real outlet, even a necessity.

Regret for unfulfilled dreams

Women, especially ambitious women, want self-realization with all their souls. Only in the period to 35-40 years, something ceases to please them. And then she begins to bitterly remember what she dreamed of in her youth, analyzes why she failed to achieve this. Regretting unfulfilled dreams is a sure sign of a midlife crisis. It seems that the person is still full vitality and energy, he achieved everything he wanted, but he feels that he has gone down the wrong path.

Separation from children

By the time a woman has a midlife crisis, her children in most cases reach adolescence. Mutual separation from each other occurs. A woman would be glad to get close to her children again, but she cannot do it. Her own crisis focuses her on what is happening inside. These changes contribute to the formation of new strong experiences. It seems to her that life is passing by, and best years were wasted. Often, having entered the time of an age crisis, a woman discovers a desire to give birth to another child.

How to overcome a midlife crisis

A midlife crisis is a signal given to an individual so that she can act. People suddenly remember that they live contrary to their own nature and want to urgently correct the situation. The crisis is designed to draw a person's attention to what is happening in his soul. How to overcome a midlife crisis?

Self-realization

Those who feel strong anxiety about professional dislocation and want recognition should find a hobby for your liking... If for some reason you find new job in this moment time is impossible, then at least direct the creative energy in the direction that seems to you the most attractive. Self-realization does not necessarily translate into building a successful business. Just be flexible, learn to see new opportunities and opportunities.

Strengthening the relationship with a partner

At a time of crisis, relationships with the other half also suffer. To strengthen the union, make time for your loved one... We should not be limited to ourselves, although the midlife crisis prompts us to do just that. It is best to start spending evenings together, going to thematic meetings that will be of interest to both.

Monitor your appearance

Both women and men in crisis need to look after their appearance... In the midst of a midlife crisis, any small setback can unsettle, rob you of your peace of mind. It is important to feel well-groomed and outwardly attractive. Don't forget to look after yourself, even if you don't want to do it at all.

Do not cut from the shoulder

No matter how unbearable external circumstances seem to you, you should not try to change everything in one fell swoop. You do not need to immediately file for divorce and part with a person with whom you have lived for a long time. Are you really sure that you will be fine without him? Do not quit your job until you are convinced that you can realize yourself in a new profession. You should act gradually, do not cut from the shoulder. Feel the ground carefully, trying to figure out what is the best decision for you. Gradually the fog will begin to dissipate and you will see the truth.

Thus, a midlife crisis is a kind of milestone that every person comes to. Remember that life does not end at 37-45 years old. There is still a lot in your power to do and it all depends on the efforts, aspirations and perseverance.

All is well, but something is constantly missing. Or, on the contrary, everything is bad, and you urgently need to change your place of residence, work, and maybe even your spouse. What's happening? Check yourself, maybe you are in that notorious midlife crisis that everyone is talking about, but no one really knows anything? Psychologist Ekaterina Burmistrova, philosopher Mikhail Burmistrov and mathematics teacher and philologist Dmitry Shnol discuss one of the most "famous" age crises.

Psychologist's point of view: midlife crisis is a sense of the ceiling

Ekaterina Burmistrova. Age-related changes in adults are very interesting topic, but despite the often used phrase "midlife crisis", this topic has not been popularized. People often confuse midlife crisis with relationship problems. For example, a person thinks that something is wrong with his partner, but in fact it is bad for him, bad not outside, but inside. And often not because something has broken inside - it is just that the personality grows. But we usually don't even think about it.

After the well-known crisis of three years, the subsequent ones are no longer so clearly localized by age. Even in adolescence, we see a wide spread in time, and a midlife crisis can generally occur from 30 to 70 years. It depends on what was the start, how dynamic a person is living his life. And unlike the two mentioned above, a midlife crisis may not come at all: a person may either not grow up to it, or go through it so gently, as if it never existed.

The crisis is one of basic principles development of the psyche. We do not live evenly, not in a straight line, but in zigzags: first, an ascending process, then some kind of shaking, then a transition to a new level and even movement until the next jerk. I am always impressed by the psychology of children's development: everything is very dynamic there, with a clear periodization, all this is well described, because today there is a great interest in childhood. There is also an interest in the life of an adult, but some other, from the standpoint of development, few people think and write about it.

At its core, a midlife crisis is absolutely the same structure as adolescence: something happens to a person inside, internal structures, a system of values ​​change, and this happens without an external trigger. There may be provocative moments, but they may not be - just the structure of mental life, which a person has formed, begins to become unusable.

During a midlife crisis, in particular, the value system undergoes changes, and after that everything else changes - relations with oneself, with loved ones, attitude towards society, towards one's tasks. The last well-described age crisis occurs at 18-21 years old: a person either sets goals and development strategies, or imitates them, or somehow picks up a set of such tasks. Then he more or less successfully embodies them in different areas of life - in studies, in professional activities, in relationships, in love, in building a family. For decades, he has been realizing what he invented. All this can happen in more than one stage - at the age of 20-22 there are also crises: a crisis of adolescence, a crisis of transition from adolescence to adolescence, when a reboot occurs again, but by the age of thirty a person comes to a position when he already understands what he has achieved and what has not. And the first stage of the midlife crisis is associated with a sense of the ceiling.

A philosopher's point of view: a midlife crisis is a meeting with death

Mikhail Burmistrov. A midlife crisis is not some kind of disease like tooth decay or the common cold that can be diagnosed and treated. And so there is the problem of describing this crisis. Something happens to a person, and then we somehow call it, describe it, but the descriptions can be very different. Nowadays, whatever is called a midlife crisis, but if we look at the texts of previous eras, we will not find such a concept. Therefore, this is a kind of cultural and historical convention. Having carried out a cursory analysis, I first discover something similar in Dante's work, when his hero, "having passed halfway through earthly life," found himself in a gloomy forest. Or when you read what happened to Pushkin a few years before the last duel, you come to the conclusion that his mental state can in many ways be described as that very crisis. And the fact that he eventually ends up on the Black River fits into the algorithm of illogical actions that a man performs at this age.

One should not think that a midlife crisis is some kind of permanent reality. Its description very much depends on what kind of society, in what culture we live. Traditional culture is aimed at reproducing what was before, and the crisis of growing up is simply not interesting to it. Modern society, aimed at personal development, presupposes the presence of such a crisis.

The periodization of what happens to an adult can be anything. For example, psychoanalyst Eric Erickson has this stage of life from 30 to 60 years, and if we try to build a system clearly, by years, it will be difficult. It is easier to distinguish between adulthood and maturity. The young man goes through separation, separates from the parental family, arranges his life in areas related to work, relationships, place of residence. He is already an adult, lives independently, but this is still an initial adulthood, it is aimed at polarization and is strongly oriented towards external connections. And the transition to the midlife crisis is the transition to human maturity. It may not come, because at this moment - and this is a fairly typical thing - people can "jump off": find a new spouse, move to a new country, and, in fact, it will be an escape from the crisis. A person will simply continue to implement the same programs in new territories. He trampled on some fields, reached the ceiling there, he already felt bad there, and he goes into a new field. Women often in these situations begin to make every effort to look twenty years younger, and this is also an escape from the crisis. And if you try to honestly enter this space, then at the exit you can become an adult in a different way, become a mature person.

This is an internal process, it does not necessarily involve changes outside. This is a passage through the desert, through a meeting with death, through loneliness. This is the acceptance of one's finitude, a deep, basic awareness of it, which is not at all connected with youthful games with death - and hence the change in the attitude towards life. Having accepted death, a person can value life, time, relationships in a different way.

A person first meets death with his mind - he seems to understand that everyone is mortal, then, perhaps, he experiences the loss of his neighbor, but the body itself does not feel this, does not realize it. And then suddenly he meets death at close range. This does not even necessarily happen during a serious illness or when someone close to you is lost - just at some point a "bell" rings out, and in our body we begin to understand that we are going to die. We do not just find signs of wilting - gray hair, wrinkles - but we understand that we are mortal. And we are horrified.

A person who treats his inner life without attention, takes it for something completely different, thinks that it is necessary to fix it somehow urgently, to change something in appearance, in relationships, in work. On the contrary, one should not do it, but stop and think. Not to run out of this sensation, headlong, but to plunge inside, to feel what is happening in you. By accepting his own finiteness and limitation, a person gains freedom. This is not freedom to run around the world and find new partners, but freedom of a completely different kind. In short, this is a different vision of life and death. But the path to it is difficult and requires great internal changes.

The teacher's point of view: midlife crisis - time for attention to yourself

Dmitry Shnol. Do not forget about physiology, it is important. Gray in the beard, the devil in the rib; baba berry again - it's not for nothing that these sayings have arisen, this is a description of some kind of hormonal restructuring. But the main aspect, it seems to me, is related to the sense of time. It seems to a person: in three years, from 16 to 19, so much has happened for me, which means that from 19 to 79 there will be a huge, very rich life. And then it turns out that the further, the more the years are compressed, and you do not live a life filled with emotional and external events in the same proportion as before.

For a while, at the age of 20, it still seems - I have not started yet, but I will soon start, I am not Julius Caesar, but I still have time ahead ... And at some point, when, according to Dante, the middle comes, you understand : another 20 years have passed, further strength will be less, and, probably, what you have achieved now is about your ceiling. Maybe you can add something else, but ...

And when you measure yourself by external achievements: money, career, professional development, or internal: family, children, - you, having passed " high school”, You assess yourself as in a diary. But after looking at this diary, you come to the conclusion that it is a rather bleak sight, and the best half of your life seems to have passed. It seems that such a rich experience of time, as in my youth, was correct, it gave so many impressions, but now I will not have it that way, which means that now everything is bad ...

But in fact, this diary should be thrown out, it is necessary to stop living as before, stop evaluating oneself in this way.

I think if people lived a more measured life, they would have time to receive these signals, they could have modified their lives earlier and not run again along the same path leading to a dead end. But while you are running along it, you are not able to understand this. You need to be in the hospital or on the verge of divorce - then you realize that something is not right at all, and the realization comes. I believe that this is from inattention to their own life.

If the crisis has begun

I had an interview with Alexey Kortnev who gave an interesting description of the midlife crisis. He said that up to this moment a man is a hunter, he needs all the women to be his, so that all the money will be earned by him. And when a crisis comes, he is the owner of his farm, he must shut himself up and protect all the good he has acquired in previous years.

Ekaterina Burmistrova. What Alexey is talking about is the first stage, the crisis of thirty. You are the master of your house, you set everything up there, you built everything in the inner world... And then - bang, and the next stage comes when the quality of relations and their meaning becomes important. Previously, this meaning could be lost in matters of, relatively speaking, building, maintaining a house. And all this should be - both the household and the family - but it should be meaningful, correct, giving joy, should correspond to some basic internal structures that are different for everyone. And then people start going to churches, doing charity work - I think there are many people in foundations and volunteer organizations who came there at this point.

What does this crisis look like in women? There is a difference?

Ekaterina Burmistrova. There is. In women, the midlife crisis is strongly influenced by either motherhood or its absence. Women who have given birth at some point cease to live their personal lives altogether. Even if she does not have a neurotic fall into motherhood with breastfeeding before school, co-sleeping and attachment theory in its most radical version, even if she takes the child to the garden or to classes, leaves him with a nanny or grandmother, the focus of attention is still shifting. from self to children. And this is a total phenomenon, because in big cities, education and upbringing require full inclusion. In general, a woman has children, children, children, and then at some point they grow up, and the mother, whose career is often interrupted due to motherhood, either paused her, or did not realize anything at all, or abandoned work - remains as if out of work.

In addition, women, unlike men, live very strongly in the body, with age they begin to feel that the body becomes different, and in fact it is often the body that is her main capital for a woman. And when it becomes clear that the body is not getting younger, when gray hair and wrinkles appear, fear and desire to find new support come.

Therefore, a woman often enters a midlife crisis with the feeling that she has nothing at all - everything that she invested in has flowed under the bridge, beauty is leaving, there is no career, the children have grown up.

They already say: "Mom, close the door," or: "Mom, you don't understand anything," or in general: "What have you spent your life on?" In fact, a woman finds herself in the desert, and she needs to build something new, but there is no capital: there is no beauty to please someone outwardly, there is no strength to learn something (the memory is already different, before foreign language took and learned, and now you teach and teach, and the child still overtakes you), and the profession has gone so far that it can no longer be caught up. If at the same time the relationship in the family is unreliable or there are some personal problems of her own, then the woman may stop believing in herself. She lost all her landmarks, except for the family, and the family no longer holds her. This is a tragic option, but it happens quite often.

What to do to feel toned again?

To draw attention to yourself and understand that not only the body, but also the soul needs "care". It takes time to come to your senses, this is not a moment, but a process. If a crisis has begun, there is no need to think that it will now take on and off. There is a certain number of months ahead when it will be really bad and it will seem that there is no support. It is very useful to look for people who have been through the crisis, because those who have already walked these paths have a lot to tell. A guide is very much needed in the desert ...

Do we need people who honestly passed through this desert, entered it, or those who tried to escape, changing their status: divorced, moved to America, went to a monastery?

And those and others. Yes, there are people who have upgraded their lives and changed everything - this is a teenage version of seventy years old, they run around in shorts and are happy in their fourth marriage (there are fewer such in Russia than in the West, but you can find it). But other options are also possible. If a person has not passed through this melting pot, he will not understand what is happening to you, and will say: go have a drink, quit, get down to business, be distracted. But those who understand what they are talking about, who have lived similar situations, will give very sensible, laconic, targeted recommendations. Or just share your experience. I had a friend, a respectable mother of many children, who said, “I learned to roller-skate. The only thing that saved me was that in the evening, when I could leave everything, I would go out and roller-skate at maximum speed. " There is even a man's saying that you buy a motorcycle twice: at 18 and at 35.

How to be in a situation when nothing of the planned has worked out, and the result does not bring satisfaction?

If all else fails, the question is, whose program it was. Sometimes it is only in a midlife crisis that a person is freed from a parental, family or ambitious program, according to which he had to defeat someone. And it turns out that from the age of 17 he was driving on a road that was not really his.

That is, it is necessary to determine whether these goals were set by you?

Yes, and to understand what it means - did not work? Didn't it work at all, did it work out by 60%, or did it work out, but it doesn't count?

Let's say these were your goals, quite simple - a happy family, a certain career level, and then you turned around and you see: your family is almost falling apart, with a full span of work, there is also little money. What to do?

One of the results of living in a midlife crisis is the understanding that you can no longer influence it and that it no longer brings you suffering. You accepted it. You suffered that something happened accidentally and unfairly in your life, but after the crisis you realized that it was yours. And why it turned out so crooked, you also understood and accepted.

And one more important result, to understand: if at the age of 20 you decided to enter the top five of Forbes, get three scientific degrees and have neat, cute children who play the piano and study at the age of five, these are unrealistic goals. These goals did not take into account the force of friction. Welcome to reality.

And when you went through this crisis, realized that this is exactly your reality, then it becomes absolutely clear to you why it happened that way.

Under what conditions does a midlife crisis not occur? You said that it happens.

There are people with retarded development. Perhaps it will come by the age of sixty. Perhaps the person has overworked himself so much that he simply does not have the strength to survive the crisis, he has no strength to grow up.

If a person is doing well: a wonderful family, a wonderful job - and a crisis does not come simply because everything is fine. Can it be so?

When everything is good - this is the most interesting thing, because it is here that a person ceases to be satisfied with everything. And when you have a glossy picture: the house is standing, the lawn is green, and the children are learning English, you understand that your goals have been exhausted. This value system has become obsolete. It's like an old phone: it didn't break, you didn't beat it, you used it according to the instructions, but it simply ran out of service life.

Why does this story happen to a person?

Because these were not values ​​that could be relevant all my life. These were targets with limited conditions of use, like winter boots and summer sandals. You won't walk in summer sandals on winter snow, will you?

So you need to set new goals?

In fact, yes. And very often people leave life when it is not possible to set these goals: one is over, and the other does not come to replace. This is where a serious problem arises: a person has no faith, no aspirations, and everything that was conceived has already been realized. It has already been worked out and is not needed at all. It’s just like you have a car — good, serviceable, comfortable — and you don’t want to drive it.

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about the author

A journalist so much that she was even born on the Day of the Russian Press. I write about education, on social topics, the author of books for children and parents. Search group senior, preventive maintenance instructor, media group specialist of the Lisa Alert search and rescue squad.