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What they write to a deceased person. SMS that will support you in difficult times. Don't diminish the suffering of the other person or try to make him laugh.

Lives of 64 people. Of these, 41 are children. Perhaps, in the history of Russia, this is one of the few events when parents have lost so many children.

Olga Makarova

She told about how to properly support a person who is experiencing such grief, which is not worth doing and saying. Olga Makarova, clinical psychologist and former head of the emergency response department of the Emergency Psychological Aid Center of the Ministry of Emergencies of Russia from 2005 to 2015. She has worked on more than 50 tragedies both in Russia and abroad: plane crashes, mine accidents and earthquakes.

Is it appropriate to tell the person whose child has died, "hold on"?

- It is not very correct to say some general phrases, platitudes, behind which we hide. We feel awkward, confused, do not understand how to behave with a person who is in grief. This situation is very traumatic for us. When it comes about death, we ourselves are not very ready for this conversation. From this confusion and even from some kind of fright, people hide behind banal phrases: "everything will be fine", "well, don't be upset", "well, you hold on", "God takes the best", "you still have everything in your life. will be ”... At such a moment, these phrases to a person, rather, say that his feelings are not accepted, that his grief is devalued. What does "hold on" mean? So, nothing.

Formalism and banalism and some phrases are annoying when, for example, a mother who has lost a child is told: "You are young - you will still give birth", "Why are you killing yourself for it, you still have two children." A feeling person probably understands everything anyway and will not say this if he is not at all confused.

How to choose the right words when you empathize with the person in grief?

- If we want to support a person, then, rather, we need to say that “we love you”, “we hug you”, “we are with you”, “we are close, and if you need something, we are always ready to help ". That is, we need, on the one hand, simpler words, and on the other, more supportive words.

Maybe it's better not to touch the person and not talk about his grief?

- Sometimes a person makes it very clear that he wants to be alone. And in such a situation, when he asked about it, he needs to be given this opportunity - to be alone. You can tell him that if something is needed, then you are there, let him call - and you will come.

It is wrong to think that raising this topic with a person will remind you of it once again and cause additional suffering. A grieving person cannot be reminded of the death of a loved one, he already spends 100% of his time thinking about it. He did not forget about this and will be grateful to the person who will share these thoughts and memories with him, will give him the opportunity to talk. On the contrary, the conversation will bring relief.

How do you know that a person wants to talk about their grief?

- People almost always respond to a conversation about the deceased. This topic takes up 100% of thoughts, attention and memory. Therefore, if we want to talk to a person, then we need to talk about the deceased. You can remember something together, look at the photos, you don't need to think that this will increase the pain. A person is already experiencing grief, and, rather, on the contrary, memories of the past, photographs will bring him relief.

Should I say “don't cry” when a person is crying?

- Saying "don't cry" is, of course, inappropriate. “Don't cry” is precisely the same concern not about the person who grieves, but about yourself. Sometimes it is very difficult for us to endure other people's strong emotions, it is very difficult to see someone else's tantrum, to hear other people's sobs, and in order to facilitate our perception, we say to another: “don’t cry”, “calm down”, “don’t shout like that”, “why are you so ". On the contrary, a person should be given the opportunity to cry and speak. In the first minutes, when a person learns about the death of a loved one, there is often a very acute reaction: tantrums and screams, people faint. But any reaction in such a situation is normal, although it can be difficult for others to bear. This must be understood, and the person must be given the opportunity to react the way he reacts.

When a family has lost a child, both women and men cry. Although in our society, the manifestation of feelings in men, unfortunately, is still considered a weakness, and therefore they often try to hold on and less show their grief in public. It's actually okay to show emotion in this situation. Those who restrain themselves and experience everything inside may experience somatic diseases, exacerbations of chronic diseases, and a malfunction of the cardiovascular system.

Should I offer the grieving person to eat or drink water?

- Any effective concern has a right to exist. People in grief forget about themselves, and their strength leaves them very quickly. They forget to drink, eat, sleep. And this is true, it is very important that there is a person nearby who would keep an eye on such things: regularly offer food, make sure that the person at least drinks.

Should you offer help with money?

- Each person offers the help that he can offer. After the tragedy in Kemerovo, many people want to help with money: huge sums have been collected by the Red Cross, the diocese, the Kemerovo administration ... People, however, often want to help with money, and for some this is the only way to help.

What to do if a loved one is withdrawn due to grief and does not want to communicate?

- It all depends on how long ago the loss occurred. Grief is a process that involves a person going through several stages.

At first, rejection and denial: when a person does not believe that this could happen.

Then he still realizes the irreversibility of this loss, and he gets angry about this: how is it, why did this happen to me. A person can look for the guilty - in the event of a disaster, look for them among those involved in it, in case of illness - look for the culprits among the doctors. That is, it is important for him to find someone to blame, to rip off evil on him, to demand reckoning for what happened.

He may feel guilty for what happened, for not doing something or doing something at the wrong time. There may be some kind of irrational guilt: “why did I let him go there”, “how could I not feel that this would happen to him”, “how could I live peacefully when this happened to them”.

When these acute feelings pass a little, the stage of depression may come. And indeed, then the person becomes isolated and does not want to communicate with anyone. This is also one of the stages of grief, and this is normal at some stage. But there must be someone who is nearby and offers help.

If you see that your loved one is not coping and the condition is not improving, then the only correct decision is to contact a specialist. It could be a psychologist or psychiatrist. Contacting a psychiatrist in such a situation is normal, you should not be afraid of this word.

Does a person who lost someone during a catastrophe perceive words of sympathy?

- Sure. Even if it seems that he is so in his grief that he does not hear or see anything, in fact it is not. And at this moment, support is very important. Warm words are important, that “we are near”, that “we love you”, that “we are here, and you can contact us”. Taking care of the physical condition of a person is also important. It is necessary that there be someone who monitors whether a person drinks water, whether he eats or periodically measures his pressure.

How can you help yourself cope with your loss?

- It is difficult to give general recommendations. But you need to allow yourself to feel what you are in this moment feel. All emotions that you experience have a right to exist. In this state, you can experience a variety of feelings: anger, and guilt, and despair ... We need all these feelings to overcome grief and return to life.

You need to understand that grief is a process. Realize that someday, one fine day, at least for one second you will suddenly feel better, then for two seconds, and every day your condition will improve.

It is believed that the most difficult period after the loss lasts a year. When I have already met all the holidays without a loved one when you remember what you did together. But gradually a person learns to live without his loved one, he finds some new meanings in life, makes new plans for life path new people appear and maybe even new relationships. Gradually, you realize that the grief has become not so black and addictive, and you remember your loved one with warmth and love. This is probably the point that psychology calls "acceptance."

To help yourself cope with grief, you need to find some meaning in order to move on. This meaning can be in a person who has left: you can realize some of his desires that he did not have time to, and do it in memory of him.

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100 examples of condolences for death

How to express condolences for a death family and friends of the deceased? Mourning words of sorrow and support in difficult times. Sincere words of condolences about death - in short.

Mourning words of mourning for the deceased

Condolences are mourning words of sorrow who express sympathy for death. Sincere condolences provide for the format of a personal, personal appeal - oral or text.

Within the framework or in public, condolences are also appropriate, but should be expressed briefly... You can add to an expression of sympathy from a believer: "We pray for ___"... More information about the rules of condolences - on the website "Epitaphia.ru".

Etiquette condolences from muslims is distinguished by a fatal attitude towards death and acceptance of loss, as well as clear requirements for rituals, clothing, behavior, symbols, gestures.

Examples of condolences

Universal short words of sorrow

In the case when the words of condolence are pronounced after the burial or on the day of the funeral, it is possible (but not necessary) to add briefly: "Let the earth rest in peace!" If you have the opportunity to provide assistance (organizational, financial - any), then this phrase is convenient to complete the words of condolences, for example “These days you will probably need help. I would like to be of service. Count on me! "

• I am shocked by this sad news. It's hard to accept. I share your pain of loss ...
• My heart is broken by yesterday's news. I worry with you and remember ___ with the warmest words! It's hard to accept the loss of ___! Everlasting memory!
• The news of death ___ is a terrible blow! It hurts even to think that we will not see him / her again. Please accept our condolences with your husband for your loss!
• Until now, the news of ___'s death seems like a ridiculous mistake! It is impossible to realize this! Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss!
• My condolences! It hurts even to think about it, it's hard to talk about it. I sympathize with your pain! Everlasting memory ___!
• It is difficult to express in words how we ___ empathize with your loss of ___! Golden man, what a few! We will always remember about him (her)!
• “This is an incredible, catastrophic loss. The loss of a real person, an idol, an exemplary family man and a citizen of his country "(about Ilya Segalovich). .
• We empathize with your loss! The news of ___'s death amazed our entire family. We remember and remember ___ as a worthy person. Please accept our sincere condolences!
• Weak consolation, but know that we are next to you in grief of loss ___ and sincerely empathize with your whole family! Everlasting memory!
• “Words cannot convey all the pain and sorrow. Like a bad dream. Eternal rest to your soul, our dear and beloved Jeanne ”!(Grave and)
• Incomprehensible loss! We all grieve the loss of ___, but, of course, it is even harder for you! We sincerely condole and we will remember all our life! We want to provide any help that is needed at this moment. Count on us!
• It's sad ... I respect and remember ___ and sincerely condole with your loss! The least that I can do today is help with something. At least I have four empty seats in my car.

Condolences on the death of mom, grandmother

• I was stunned by this terrible news. For me, ___ is a hospitable hostess, a kind woman, but for you ... The loss of your mother ... I sympathize with you so much and cry with you!
• We are very ... very sad, beyond words! It is hard when you lose loved ones, but the death of your mother is grief, against which there is no medicine. Please accept my sincere condolences to the loss!
• ___ was a model of delicacy and tact. Her memory will be as endless as her kindness to all of us. Mom's departure is an incomparable grief. Please accept my deepest condolences!
• Woe, incomparable! And I have no words to ease your pain. But I know that she would not like to see your despair. Be strong! Tell me, what can I take on these days?
• We are happy that we knew ___. Her kind disposition and generosity amazed all of us, and she will be remembered like that! It is difficult to express our sorrow in words - it is too great. Let the kindest memories and the bright memory of her become at least a little consolation!
• The news of ___ leaving came as a shock to us. We can only guess what a blow her departure was for you. At such moments we feel abandoned, but remember that you have friends who loved and appreciated your mother. Count on our help!
• Words cannot heal a terrible wound in the heart. But the bright memories of ___, how honestly and with dignity she lived her life, will always be stronger than death. In the blessed memory of her, we are forever with you!
• They say they love grandchildren even more than their children. We fully felt this love of our grandmother. This love will warm us all our lives, and we will pass on some of its warmth to our children and grandchildren ...
• Losing loved ones is very difficult ... And the loss of a mother is the loss of a part of herself ... Mom will always be missed, but let her memory and mother's warmth be with you always!
• Words cannot heal this wound of loss. But the bright memory of ___, who lived her life honestly and with dignity, will be stronger than death. We are with you in the eternal memory of her!
• Her whole life was spent in countless labors and worries. Such a heartfelt and sincere woman, we will remember her forever!
• Without parents, without a mother, there is no one between us and the grave. May wisdom and perseverance help you get through these most difficult days. Hold on!
• With ___ gone is the pattern of virtue! But she will remain a guiding star for all of us who remember, love and honor her.
• It is ___ that you can dedicate kind words: "She whose actions and deeds came from the soul, from the heart." May the earth rest in peace to her!
• The life she lived has a name: "Virtue." ___ is the source of life, faith and love for loving children and grandchildren. The Kingdom of heaven!
• How much we didn’t tell her during our lifetime!
• Please accept my sincere condolences! What a man! ___, as she lived modestly and quietly, she left meekly, as if the candle had gone out.
• ___ involved us in good deeds, and thanks to her we became better. For us, ___ will forever remain a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.
• Your mother was an intelligent and bright person ... Many, like me, will feel that the world has become poorer without her.

Condolences on the death of husband, father, grandfather

• We are deeply saddened by the news of your father's death. He was fair and strong man, a loyal and sensitive friend. We knew him well and loved him as a brother.
• Our family grieves with you. The loss of such a reliable support in life is irreparable. But remember that we will be honored to help you whenever you need it.
• My condolences, ___! The death of a beloved husband is a loss of oneself. Hold on, these are the toughest days! We grieve together with your grief, we are near ...
• Today everyone who knew ___ grieves with you. This tragedy leaves no one indifferent. I will never forget my friend, and I consider it my duty to ___ to support you on any occasion, if you contact me.
• I'm so sorry that ___ and I had disagreements at one time. But I have always appreciated and respected him as a person. I apologize for the moments of pride and offer you my help. Today and forever.
• Thanks to your statements about his [qualities or good deeds], it seems to me that I have always known him. My condolences to you about the death of such a loved one and such a soul close to you! Rest in peace…
• I am sincerely sorry for the loss of your dad. This is a very sad and sad time for you. But good memories are what will help you to cope with this loss. Your father lived a long and vibrant life and achieved success and respect in it. We join the words of grief of friends and memories of ___.
• Sincerely condolences to you ... What a person, what a scale of personality! He deserves more words than can be said now. In memories of ___ - he is both our teacher of justice and mentor in life. Eternal memory to him!
• Without a father, without parents, there is no one between us and the grave. But ___ set an example of courage, fortitude and wisdom. And I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to grieve so much right now. Be strong! I sincerely condole with you.
• Your shock from the onset of loneliness is a heavy shock. But you have the strength to overcome the grief and continue what he did not have time to. We are near, and we will help you in everything - contact us! It is our duty to remember ___!
• We grieve with you at this difficult moment! ___ - the kindest person, without silversmith, he lived for his neighbors. We empathize with your loss and together with you in the kindest and brightest memories of your husband.
• We condole on your loss! We sympathize - the loss is irreparable! Intelligence, iron will, honesty and justice ... - we were lucky to work with such a friend and colleague! How many things we would like to ask him for forgiveness, but too late ... Eternal memory to a mighty man!
• Mom, we grieve and cry with you! Our sincere gratitude from children and grandchildren and warm memories to our good father and kind grandfather! Our memory of ___ will be eternal!
• Blessed are those whose memory will be as bright as ___. We will remember and love him forever. Be strong! ___ it would be easier if he knew you could handle it all.
• My condolences! Recognition, respect, honor, and… eternal memory!
• They say about such broad-minded people: “How much of ours has gone with you! How much of yours is left with us! We will remember ___ forever and pray for him!

Condolences on the death of a friend, brother, sister, beloved or beloved

• Accept my condolences! There was no dearer and closer to him, and probably never will be. But in yours and in our hearts, he will remain young, strong, full of life human. Everlasting memory! Hold on!
• It is difficult to find the right words in this difficult moment. I grieve with you! It will be a small consolation that not everyone had a chance to experience such love as yours. But let ___ remain alive in your memory, full of strength and love! Everlasting memory!
• There is such a wisdom: “It is bad if there is no one to take care of you. It’s even worse if you don’t care about anyone. ” I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be so sad. Let's ask his mom what she can do to help her now.
• My condolences to you! In life, hand in hand, but this bitter loss went to you. It is necessary, it is necessary to find the strength to survive these most difficult moments and difficult days. In our memory, he will remain ___.
• It is very bitter to lose your loved ones and relatives, but it is doubly bitter when young, beautiful and strong people leave us. God rest his soul!
• I would like to find words to somehow ease your pain, but it's hard to imagine if there are such words on earth at all. Bright and eternal memory!
• I grieve with you at this difficult moment. It's scary to even imagine that half of you left. But for the sake of children, for the sake of loved ones, we need to go through these sorrowful days. Invisibly, he will always be there - in the soul and in our eternal memory of this bright man.
• Love will not die, and the memory of it will always illuminate our hearts!
• … this too shall pass …
• For all of us, he will remain an example of love for life. And may his love of life illuminate your emptiness and grief of loss and help you get through the time of goodbye. We grieve with you in difficult times and we will remember ___ forever!
• The past cannot be returned, but the bright memory of this love will remain with you for life. Be strong!
• Be strong! With the loss of your brother, you must become a support for your parents twice. God help you to get through these difficult moments! Bright memory to a bright person!
• There are such mournful words: "A loved one does not die, but simply ceases to be near." In your memory, in your soul, your love will be eternal! We also remember with a kind word ___.

Condolences to a believer, a Christian

All of the above is appropriate in expressing support in a difficult moment of loss for both the believer and the secular person. A Christian, Orthodox, can add a ritual phrase to condolences, turn to prayer or quote from the Bible:

• God is merciful!
• God give you ___!
• For God, everyone is alive!
• This man was blameless, just and fearing God, and he fled from evil!
• Lord, rest with the Saints!
• Death destroys the body but saves the soul.
• Lord! Accept the spirit of your servant in peace!
• Only in death the sorrowful hour does the soul gain freedom.
• God guides a mortal through life before turning him into the light.
• The righteous will certainly live, says the Lord!
• Her heart /(his) trusted in the Lord!
• Immortal soul, immortal deeds.
• May the Lord do mercy and truth with him (her)!
• Righteous deeds are not forgotten!
• Holy Mother of God, protect him (her) with your cover!
• The days of our lives are not numbered by us.
• Everything returns to normal.
• Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God!
• Shining peace to your dust!
• Kingdom of heaven and eternal rest!
• And those who have done good will seek the resurrection of life.
• Rest in the Kingdom of Heaven.
• And on earth she, like an angel, smiled: what is there, in heaven?

P.S. Once again about active personal participation. For many families, even a small financial contribution to the future will be a valuable help in this difficult moment.

Often a person is not ready for the death of relatives or loved ones. For such cases, you need to be able to express words of condolence, doing it sincerely. Condolence is a mutual experience of loss, a desire to share this pain. Grief shocks and devastates a person, so at such a moment he needs support, even in words, and he will decide for himself whether to accept it or not. Correctly chosen words of condolence will always provide the necessary support.

How to express condolences

• Be empathetic, alert, try to understand what the grieving person needs.
• Since the person is shocked at this moment, then, probably, he will not pay attention to what exactly you say. It is more effective to hug the bereaved, hug him to the chest, be with him, offer help.
• An important aspect of expressing empathy is sincerity. When choosing words, remember hypocritical expressions and attempts to imitate feelings that do not exist are unacceptable.
• If a person is pouring out feelings for you, shut up and listen.
• You should be careful with the form of expressing condolences in verse, not everyone will understand this.
• You should not give the grieving person advice and warnings like: “do not kill yourself in vain”, “don’t worry like that”, at the moment it is meaningless.
• It is worth discarding the attempt to instantly reassure the person with the words: “he went into better world"," We are all not eternal "," tortured "and so on.

Condolences

On the death of father, mother

• This world has lost a great personality ...
• We shuddered completely after the news of his death. He was a righteous and courageous man, an honest and reliable friend. I knew him for so many years, I grieve with you ...
• Our family is in grief, as are you. It is difficult and painful to lose those who have been with us for so many years.
• Your father was always ready to help. You can also count on our help ...
• This is an irreparable loss. Together with you, it hurts and us. He did a lot for you, was a support, but now his desire is for you to get through this tragedy faster.
• Your loss is irreplaceable. But he left in our souls his immortal light and warm memories of the days gone by.
• Having gone into eternity, his last wish is for you to live happily, no matter what!
• How it hurts you at this difficult moment. After all, parents invest so much in us! Their light and good deeds will not be forgotten! This is the best honor for them.
• We have no one in the world closer than our parents! A person who has passed away continues to live in his righteous deeds. Let him be an example for all of us in difficult times. I sincerely empathize with you with this loss!
• May our memory and gratitude be the best honor. Now we must stick together, count on my help. Parents for us are the image of God.
• Losing a mother is losing a part of yourself! Let me share your pain! Everlasting memory!

On the death of a brother, sister

• I am shocked, it hurt me to hear about this tragedy. I will miss him.
• In memory of him, I am ready to support you at this moment ...
• When loved ones leave, this is the worst thing. I grieve with you.
• She made a huge contribution to your upbringing. Yours happy life will become her gratitude.
• Your sister was a bright and kind person. The world became poorer without her.
• He often involved us in troubles, but thanks to this we became better, we became stronger, we became kinder. Eternal memory to you, brother!

On the death of a husband, wife, loved one

• He was everything to you! Keep his love in your soul! She will be the best memory.
• Our hearts, our memory will always keep warm memories of him ...
• Upon learning of what had happened, we were crushed for a long time and did not know what to do. But tears will not help grief, count on us to be with you throughout the ritual procession.
• I am deeply saddened by this news. It is impossible to painlessly experience these feelings. Whatever I say is just a consolation. I will be by your side to help you get through this shock ...
• I would like to find words to ease your pain, but I don't know if there are such words all over the earth.
• A loved one does not die, he simply ceases to be near. In your soul and in our memory, your love will live forever.
• He was your support and protection in life, now he has become your guardian angel! Love binds you with invisible threads!

About the death of a child

• Great is your grief, I am crushed with you ...
• This is indescribable pain! How can I help you? Count on my help ...
• I know how much you loved him. He was for you a whole world that collapsed overnight! All I can do is share your grief.
• My condolences. Parental love is the strongest. That pain is inexpressible. But at this moment the best memory of him will be to control himself. We will be by your side and help you ...
• It is unlikely that we will ever understand why God takes away the young from us! Such pain can go crazy. But, you need to keep on living! Be strong!
• Children are the main thing we have. God forbid someone to survive such a loss! Sincerely my condolences ...
• When we heard this news, speech was lost. We feel your pain, it is enormous. Always count on our help!
• It is great human grief to lose a mother. But there is no greater grief - to lose a son. Our condolences! We share your pain!
• This sorrowful news shook us like thunder. Brace yourself, we will always be there ...

Friends, friends

• I sympathize with your grief.
• Kingdom of heaven, let the earth rest in peace ...
• I see how dear he was to you, please accept my condolences ...
• The news of death is the most painful and depressing. I can't believe it! My heart also hurts from what I hear. In spite of everything, you need to continue to live and remember this person with kind words.
• When grief comes into the house, no one is ready for it. And the pain is great! I will help you take this blow of fate ...
• I am overwhelmingly saddened by the news of your loss. Words are unlikely to help, and it is inexpressible. Is there anything I can do for you in this situation?
• At the moment of loss of life, we understand what is most important for us. Seeing the grief that overtook you, I will give up my words! But remember, I am near!

It is impossible to prepare for death. Each person has faced the loss of loved ones, dear people, so many are familiar with the pain of loss.

But often we do not know how to calm down, support the grieving, how to express words of condolences in connection with the death of his loved ones, dear people.

note! It is imperative to offer condolences to the grieving person. This is a tribute.

But it is worth remembering that after the death of loved ones, people are in a stressful, shock state. The words of condolence for death are chosen carefully, carefully.

Examples of condolences on the occasion of death in your own words to the relatives of the deceased:

1. “The event shocked me. It is difficult to accept and reconcile.
2. "Let me share with you the pain of loss."
3. "The news of death was a terrible blow."
4. "I sympathize with your pain."
5. "We empathize with your loss."
6. "My condolences."
7. “I was struck by his death. I will pray for his soul. "
8. "The deceased meant a lot to us, it's a pity that he left us."
9. "Grief cannot be expressed in words, but you can always count on our support in difficult times."
10. "We grieve with you."

Sometimes it is better to express grief in short.

Short and sincere words of sympathy:

1. "Hold on."
2. "Be strong."
3. "I'm sorry".
4. "My condolences."
5. "Sorry".
6. "This is a heavy loss."

If a grieving person deeply believes in God, then they say the following words of grief:

1. "The Kingdom of heaven".
2. "Rest in peace".
3. "Lords, rest with the Saints!"
4. "Peace be bright to his dust."
5. "Rest in the Kingdom of Heaven."

Table: rules for giving words of condolence

What not worth saying

Everyone wants to support the bereaved. But there are a number of words and phrases that are not appropriate for a funeral. Expressions can cause anger, aggression, resentment.

What not to do:

1. To comfort the future... When a baby dies, do not say "you are still young, give birth again." This is tactless.

   It is difficult for parents to accept the loss of their own child, because they rejoiced in him, dreamed of the future.

   The words "do not grieve, you are young, you are still getting married" sound like "say goodbye to your beloved." It's cruel. There is no future for people who have lost their children, spouses, parents at the time of their funeral.

   They are not ready to think about it. Their pain at the time of loss is strong and painful.

2. Seek the extreme... If there is a culprit in death, do not remind about it. It is forbidden to say what would have happened if they had acted differently. It is not recommended to make the deceased guilty.

   Examples: "he himself is to blame, he drank a lot of alcohol", "this is his punishment for his sins." Do not denigrate the memory of the deceased, because it is not for nothing that they say that one should only speak well of the dead.

3. Asking to stop crying... The grieving person must mourn the deceased and calm the soul.

Forbidden phrases:

1. « Death has taken its own, do not shed tears". A person in a phase of acute shock does not finally understand what happened, that his close and dear ones have passed away forever. Such words sound cruel.
2. « Don't worry, everything will work out"- sounds like a fairy tale or a cruel mockery. A person is not ready to accept such a statement, he does not believe that the pain will release him and life will improve.
3. « Time heals". Even time cannot heal mental wounds. The pain of loss will always be there. Any person who has survived death will confirm this.
4. « So he was tortured, he feels good there". If the deceased was very sick, then the words are unlikely to calm the grieving person.

   He has one desire - to see a loved one nearby, and not to think that he is good in heaven.

5. « Think, but others are even worse, at least you still have relatives". Don't use comparisons. Respect the person's pain.
6. « I understand how much it hurts"Is a common and tactless phrase. It is difficult to understand the grieving person.

Never depreciate a loss with the words “it’s good that you didn’t get hurt,” “think about your children, parents,” etc.

For those who grieve, death is a shock in life. He is not ready to look for positive moments in the loss of loved ones.

Important! It is worth remembering that condolences are brought from the heart. But this does not mean that it is allowed to say whatever comes to mind.

Grieving people do not perceive reality well, their subconscious is clouded with grief and resentment, so you should not provoke a person.

During the shock phase, one should not be interested in the details of the death of the deceased.

Written condolences

Do not condole with:

• In verse.
• By sms.

This is neglect. A funeral is not a place for poetry, and it is better to replace SMS with a phone call. If it is not possible to call, then you can express condolences in writing.

Sample text:

• « We deeply mourn the death of the deceased... He was an amazing, kind and well-mannered person, surprised with his joy and spontaneity.

  It is difficult to write, my hand does not hold a pen out of grief, but still I have to. We are sorry that it happened, but we are happy that fate brought us to this amazing person... Peace to him on earth and in heaven. "

• « The news of the loss struck my mind... I convey my condolences and express deep respect to the deceased. "
• « It's hard to find words when a storm is raging in my soul and the bitterness of loss... I can't believe it happened. Our condolences. We pray for him. "

Choose delicate phrases that do not go beyond the bounds of morality... In the text, you need to briefly acknowledge the loss, support the relatives of the deceased.

When writing a letter to relatives, describe the memories associated with it. When writing a text to a colleague, remember his business, personal qualities.

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We all know how hard it is to be in a situation where you need to comfort someone, but the right words are not found.

Fortunately, more often than not, people don't expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe how you feel. For example, with the help of such phrases: "I know that it is very difficult for you now", "I am sorry that it is so difficult for you." So you make it clear that you really see how it feels now to a loved one.

2. Confirm that you understand these feelings.

But be careful, do not pull all the attention to yourself, do not try to prove that it was even worse for you. Briefly mention that you have also found yourself in a similar situation before, and ask in more detail about the state of the person you are comforting.

3. Help a loved one understand the problem

Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, at first he just needs to speak out. This is especially true for women.

So wait to suggest solutions to the problem and listen. This will help the person you are comforting to sort out their feelings. After all, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences by telling others about them. Answering your questions, the interlocutor can himself find some solutions, understand that everything is not as bad as it seems, and just feel relieved.

Here are some phrases and questions you can use in this case:

• Tell me what happened.
• Tell me what's bothering you.
• What led to this?
• Help me understand how you feel.
• What scares you the most?

At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word "why", they are too similar to condemnation and will only anger the interlocutor.

4. Do not minimize the suffering of the interlocutor and do not try to make him laugh

When we are faced with the tears of a loved one, we, quite naturally, want to cheer him up or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what we ourselves feel is a trifle can often upset others. Therefore, do not minimize the suffering of the other person.

What if someone is really worried about a trifle? Ask if there is any data that disagrees with his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. It is very important here to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, without this it may seem too aggressive.

5. Offer physical support if appropriate

Sometimes people do not want to talk at all, they just need to feel that there is a loved one nearby. In such cases, it is not always easy to decide how to behave.

Your actions should correspond to the usual behavior with this or that person. If you are not too close, placing your hand on your shoulder or hugging slightly will be enough. Also look at the behavior of the other person, perhaps he himself will make it clear what he needs.

Remember not to be too zealous when comforting: your partner may take this for flirting and be offended.

6. Suggest ways to solve the problem

If the person only needs your support and not specific advice, the above steps may be sufficient. By sharing your concerns, the other person will feel relieved.

Ask if you can do something else. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often it does, offer to go to bed. As you know, the morning is wiser than the evening.

If your advice is needed, ask first if the other person has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who is in disputable situation... If the person you are comforting is vague about what can be done in their situation, help develop specific steps. If he doesn't know what to do at all, suggest your options.

If a person is sad not because of a particular event, but because of his, immediately move on to discussing specific actions that can help. Or suggest doing something like going for a walk together. Excessive reflections will not only not help get rid of depression, but, on the contrary, will aggravate it.

7. Promise to continue supporting

At the end of the conversation, be sure to mention again that you understand how difficult it is for a loved one now, and that you are ready to continue to support him in everything.