Unsuccessful first time with a girl. Unsuccessful first sexual experience. The question is answered by the psychologist Bobyleva Elena Sergeevna
Sex. Photo illustrative
The relationship with a new fan has already come to its climax, and now the first night comes, which you are so looking forward to and anticipating. The brightest pictures are always drawn in the imagination, but reality can be disappointing. The first sex with a new partner is often unsuccessful, which can negatively affect the development of the relationship or even slow down them altogether. Do I need to make hasty conclusions? The author of lady.mail.ru, a consultant psychologist at the St. Petersburg Sundeev Center, Rodion Chepalov, and a practicing psychologist, personal and professional development consultant Ekaterina Zalota understand the problem.
The problems of the first night are different - everything goes either too quickly, or somehow indistinct, sometimes rude, and sometimes you just feel frustrated. In sex, everyone can be as he is, and it is not surprising that the first time we may not be ready for new experiences.
Statistics show that every second couple does not get sex for the first time. In sex with a new partner, we show our old habits, and sometimes they do not serve us in the best way. In addition, for the first time, both partners are under the influence of a passionate desire, which can either "liberate" too much, and, conversely, squeeze and not allow their desires to be shown. There is also such a feature: partners want by all means to show themselves in front of each other in the most favorable light, to please at any cost, and they "overextend themselves." This interferes with the naturalness of the process.
Sometimes partners (and especially women) are very hindered by comparisons with “exes”. These sentimental journeys into the past are not the best fuel for new relationships, but it is hardly possible to completely abstract from this.
Physiological reasons are no less important in why sex does not work out. If a man has not had sexual intercourse for a long time, ejaculation can happen much earlier than orgasm, not to mention the fact that you may simply not have time to properly engage in the process. The degree of voltage is great, and this is normal for the situation. This can in its own way please a woman, because if he waited for so long, it means that he is faithful and really wants her very much.
Spontaneity is not always good for sex. It is possible that some of the partners were simply not mentally ready for sex, but succumbed to this very spontaneity. Fears, such as pregnancy, are often the cause of failure. Even if contraception has been discussed in advance, with a new partner you still cannot be completely sure that you will be taken care of.
“The reasons for unsuccessful first sex can be tactlessness, inattention to feelings - one's own and a partner, emotional immaturity, excessive haste, - says Rodion Chepalov. - People with suppressed sexuality do not know how to negotiate, do not feel a partner, cannot ask for help, take care of themselves and their partner, and give pleasure. Also, one of the reasons may be an unfinished story in the past or feelings for a former partner. Some generally enter into new sexual relationships not for love, but "to forget the old." All this does not contribute to harmony in bed. Haste and formal physiological approach are bad.
The reasons for unsuccessful sex can also be purely external circumstances, for example, unfortunate conditions. In order for everything to work out for the first time and at the highest level, you still need to be fully relaxed.
“Everything influences equally,” says Rodion Chepalov. “Unfortunate conditions create tension in terms of being caught off guard, alcohol intoxication is disorienting, and fears (“ how I look ”) stifle."
Preventive measures
Is it possible to insure as much as possible against an unsuccessful first time? First, you can talk about your expectations and try to clarify your partner's wishes. Secondly, to listen to your intuition, and not to think about the “technicality” of the process, to engage in less “speculation” and analysis of why you can't have sex the way you want. Finally, by all means try to escape from all memories and comparisons - there is no place for a third person in bed.
Don't expect "everything at once" and try to try everything. Not everyone is ready for sex experiments.
“Emotional maturity, psychological readiness for difficult actions, the ability to behave, the ability to take responsibility, offer help, the desire to please the partner,” argues Rodion Chepalov, will help in this process. - In second place is sexual culture: knowledge of how the body works, what difficulties may arise and how to overcome them. It is also important to completely end the old relationship so that it does not dominate the new one and does not spoil the sex life with unpleasant memories. "
Is it worth the hurry?
Probably not. The outburst of passion is a well-known thing, but there is plenty of evidence that women are more likely to regret, for example, having sex on the first date. It is better when partners know each other better.
“I would suggest doing this not“ by calculation ”(“ the hour has struck ”), but“ out of love, ”says Rodion Chepalov. - Motivation can be like this: "I love this person, so I want to be with him right now in a special relationship, I want to be happy with him and make him (her) happy." It seems to me that the emotional fulfillment of the relationship is most important. But also we must not forget about planning pregnancy, protection, hygiene issues on critical days - this can and should stop any sex, even if there is love. "
Reactions and consequences
Someone is able to step over a bad experience and close their eyes to it, but for someone it becomes a source of deep feelings.
“After unsuccessful sex, frustration, disappointment, a feeling of hopelessness, uselessness and inferiority often follow,” says Rodion Chepalov. - It is especially unpleasant when unconstructive comparisons come to mind. There may be apathy and indifference, and, conversely, claims or tears. Depressive states roll in: “since it didn't work out, it means they don't like me,” “I'm bad,” but at the same time, if there is emotional involvement that is not limited to attraction, you can pay attention to other things - treat with understanding, help. Then the failure will not be so experienced and you can correct everything. "
How to fix errors
Take into account the fact that when meeting with a new partner, a woman experiences an orgasm on average only for the tenth time. It takes time to get used to each other, and if the first time sex does not work out, this does not mean that there will be problems in the future.
The candy-bouquet period, sooner or later, quite logically brings lovers to bed. Let's say that up to this point everything in the relationship was good and cloudless. And in bed they suffered a complete fiasco ... To understand what to do next with this, you need to dwell a little on the possible scenarios of this very failure, because failures are completely different.
Physiology
The most common problem that occurs on a first horizontal date is what doctors call "erectile dysfunction." This is when a man is so tense that one of his parts cannot tense up to the required level of firmness. The situation is certainly not the most pleasant and at the same time the easiest to solve. For women, I have good news - your chosen one is not impotent at all. Men who have such a disorder are persistent are well aware of this and simply do not bring the matter to bed or warn in advance. And if a man initially showed activity and transferred everything to a horizontal plane, it means that he was sure that his “friend” would not let him down. And what happened to him is as much a surprise as it is to you. Now let's look at the most common reasons for such a fiasco and find out what to do.
The man is tired or worried. Perhaps it was not worth it to force things. You can always understand when a person is exhausted at work or flushed with excitement. But if this happened, then it is not a disaster at all. The main thing here is to get out of the situation as delicately as possible, expressing confidence that the next time everything will work out, and in no case show disappointment. At the next meeting, pretend that nothing terrible has happened, but do not try to repeat it immediately. We continue to flirt and flirt as if nothing had happened, unobtrusively probing something in our pants.
If everything was done correctly, then you will find there a resilient response to your touch. Well, then it's a matter of technology.
The man drank too much. In general, the situation is similar to the previous one, except that appearing at the first meeting in the field of view of the girl you are caring for, in such an unsightly form, is a rather alarming signal. If this is just an accident or the result of factors beyond his control (well, he was at a corporate party!), Then you need to act in the same way as in the previous example. But if such an outrage is based on systematic alcohol abuse, it makes sense to think about whether it is worth continuing the relationship at all.
The man needs additional stimulation. He's all right, but in order to "get in shape", he needs additional efforts on your part. For example, it will definitely start if you allow yourself to be spanked lightly. Or take pictures in spicy poses. Or engage in some unconventional sex. This is already cause for concern. Firstly, most likely he is not interested in you specifically, but in this or that kind of sex. It is hardly worth expecting a serious relationship from a person who offers to dress up in a schoolgirl costume at the first intimate meeting and who (by chance, of course!) Brought it with him. Secondly, he clearly has a rich sexual experience, and his habits can become a problem in the future, especially if you do not practice what he is used to. And thirdly, the first meeting is clearly not a testing ground for daring sexual experiments, this can be dealt with later. If feelings are present, everything will work right away and as it should without latex and a piglet mask. In general, what can you say here, "Run, Lola, run!"
At the most interesting moment, someone calls a man or an SMS message falls, and so on several times. And that's it, nothing happens. If such external factors influenced the erection, it means that the friend has a somewhat shattered psyche. Mutually passionate lovers with relatively strong nerves can not be distracted from the process by a coughing grandmother behind a wall, or a snoring neighbor in a student dormitory, or all passengers of a long-distance night train taken together - checked. And if the guy's psyche is in order, then why does he react so to text messages? Obviously, he is afraid of some kind of call and cannot concentrate. Former? Or maybe, in general, an ex who does not yet know that she is an ex? Even if it's just an angry boss, why not turn off the phone at all? In general, if a boy is in the mood for love, it makes sense for him to turn off all external stimuli. Otherwise, the girl will decide that he is at least not collected and absent-minded. Or that too nervous. Or that he has a different one. And he will send him, you know where.
Psychology
If everything is quite simple with physiology, then with the psychological reasons for failure in the first sex, you can get bogged down for a long time. Moreover, if in the case of a physiological inability to have sexual intercourse this is primarily a problem of the bearer of a known organ, then here the reason can be hidden both in his head and in hers.
It usually looks like this. Hugs, kisses, touches, and maybe even more overt actions, the most that neither is sex, and suddenly ... That's it. Have arrived. Both understand that something is wrong, tense, sit on the bed and are silent. She might cry. He can freak out. The most irreparable thing that can happen next is silence. If you can't speak, then that's all, you can assume that there will be no relationship. Dressed and dispersed like ships at sea. Therefore, we must speak.
But, of course, talking is not the first thing that comes to mind! The worst option is to turn the case into confrontation, into a claim. “Well, what's wrong? What does not suit you? " Jokes and humor will help defuse the situation, but at the same time you need to show maximum tact, otherwise you can bring everything down with one word. “Once during a hike I fell asleep next to a log, so the sensations were exactly the same as now!” It is better not to touch this delicate situation at once, but to talk about something abstract in order to relieve tension. And after that, calmly say goodbye (but not forever, of course!) And slowly think over everything that happened.
Perhaps people just happened to be strangers in bed. It happens, you have to leave. Then the feeling of disgust will only grow, nothing can be done about it, you will not be cute forcibly. The most difficult thing here is to admit it to yourself.
You may have had different expectations, different stereotypes. sexual behavior... He was waiting for an Amazon with disheveled hair, screaming with passion, and she was waiting for him to tell her a fairy tale about a unicorn. If there is attraction, but it could not break through complexes, stereotypes and attitudes, you need to communicate, meet, talk a lot and very carefully grope for scenarios acceptable for both. The path is difficult, but not hopeless.
Or maybe it was just a bad day, and it's worth trying another time. There are a huge number of factors traumatizing the subtle mental organization, and all of them can provoke such a failure. Immediately saying “this is not mine” is not worth it - you need to take a breath, calm down, think. And if the next day the hand itself reaches for the phone, it means that everything is not hopeless, then it is worth trying again and again. As the ancient Roman poet wrote, "love conquers everything." The main thing is to have it. And the rest will follow. Well, or it will rise, in our case.
The relationship with a new fan has already come to its climax, and now the first night comes, which you are so looking forward to and anticipating. The brightest pictures are always drawn in the imagination, but reality can be disappointing. The first sex with a new partner is often unsuccessful, which can negatively affect the development of the relationship or even slow down them altogether. Do I need to make hasty conclusions? The author of lady.mail.ru, a consultant psychologist at the St. Petersburg Sundeev Center, Rodion Chepalov, and a practicing psychologist, personal and professional development consultant Ekaterina Zalota understand the problem.
The problems of the first night are different - everything goes either too quickly, or somehow indistinct, sometimes rude, and sometimes you just feel frustrated. In sex, everyone can be as he is, and it is not surprising that the first time we may not be ready for new experiences.
Reasons for failure
Statistics show that every second couple does not get sex for the first time. In sex with a new partner, we show our old habits, and sometimes they do not serve us in the best way. In addition, for the first time, both partners are under the influence of a passionate desire, which can either "liberate" too much, and, conversely, squeeze and not allow their desires to be shown. There is also such a feature: partners want by all means to show themselves in front of each other in the most favorable light, to please at any cost, and they "overextend themselves." This interferes with the naturalness of the process.
Sometimes partners (and especially women) are very hindered by comparisons with “exes”. These sentimental journeys into the past are not the best fuel for new relationships, but it is hardly possible to completely abstract from this.
Physiological reasons are no less important in why sex does not work out. If a man has not had sexual intercourse for a long time, ejaculation can happen much earlier than orgasm, not to mention the fact that you may simply not have time to properly engage in the process. The degree of voltage is great, and this is normal for the situation. This can in its own way please a woman, because if he waited for so long, it means that he is faithful and really wants her very much.
Spontaneity is not always good for sex. It is possible that some of the partners were simply not mentally ready for sex, but succumbed to this very spontaneity. Fears, such as pregnancy, are often the cause of failure. Even if contraception has been discussed in advance, with a new partner you still cannot be completely sure that you will be taken care of.
“The reasons for unsuccessful first sex can be tactlessness, inattention to feelings - one's own and a partner, emotional immaturity, excessive haste, - says Rodion Chepalov. - People with suppressed sexuality do not know how to negotiate, do not feel a partner, cannot ask for help, take care of themselves and their partner, and give pleasure. Also, one of the reasons may be an unfinished story in the past or feelings for a former partner. Some generally enter into new sexual relationships not for love, but "to forget the old." All this does not contribute to harmony in bed. Haste and formal physiological approach are bad.
The reasons for unsuccessful sex can also be purely external circumstances, for example, unfortunate conditions. In order for everything to work out for the first time and at the highest level, you still need to be fully relaxed.
“Everything influences equally,” says Rodion Chepalov. “Unfortunate conditions create tension in terms of being caught off guard, alcohol intoxication is disorienting, and fears (“ how I look ”) stifle."
Preventive measures
Is it possible to insure as much as possible against an unsuccessful first time? First, you can talk about your expectations and try to clarify your partner's wishes. Secondly, to listen to your intuition, and not to think about the “technicality” of the process, to engage in less “speculation” and analysis of why you can't have sex the way you want. Finally, by all means try to escape from all memories and comparisons - there is no place for a third person in bed.
Don't expect "everything at once" and try to try everything. Not everyone is ready for sex experiments.
“Emotional maturity, psychological readiness for difficult actions, the ability to behave, the ability to take responsibility, offer help, the desire to please the partner,” argues Rodion Chepalov, will help in this process. - In second place is sexual culture: knowledge of how the body works, what difficulties may arise and how to overcome them. It is also important to completely end the old relationship so that it does not dominate the new one and does not spoil the sex life with unpleasant memories. "
Is it worth the hurry?
Probably not. The outburst of passion is a well-known thing, but there is plenty of evidence that women are more likely to regret, for example, having sex on the first date. It is better when partners know each other better.
“I would suggest doing this not“ by calculation ”(“ the hour has struck ”), but“ out of love, ”says Rodion Chepalov. - Motivation can be like this: "I love this person, so I want to be with him right now in a special relationship, I want to be happy with him and make him (her) happy." It seems to me that the emotional fulfillment of the relationship is most important. But also we must not forget about planning pregnancy, protection, hygiene issues on critical days - this can and should stop any sex, even if there is love. "
Reactions and consequences
Someone is able to step over a bad experience and close their eyes to it, but for someone it becomes a source of deep feelings.
“After unsuccessful sex, frustration, disappointment, a feeling of hopelessness, uselessness and inferiority often follow,” says Rodion Chepalov. - It is especially unpleasant when unconstructive comparisons come to mind. There may be apathy and indifference, and, conversely, claims or tears. Depressive states roll in: “since it didn't work out, it means they don't like me,” “I'm bad,” but at the same time, if there is emotional involvement that is not limited to attraction, you can pay attention to other things - treat with understanding, help. Then the failure will not be so experienced and you can correct everything. "
How to fix errors
Take into account the fact that when meeting with a new partner, a woman experiences an orgasm on average only for the tenth time. It takes time to get used to each other, and if the first time sex does not work out, this does not mean that there will be problems in the future.
If the first night was unsuccessful, next time you should not act on the principle of sharp contrast and under the slogan "change everything urgently." Better to do it gradually.
A sense of humor is our everything! Any failure can be turned into a cute joke.
“Immediately after an unsuccessful event, it is worth treating the situation with understanding, perhaps talking with a partner (but later and if you think it is appropriate), ask to correct behavior, develop tactics further action, ask for help, "says Rodion Chepalov.
If this is an accidental connection, you can try to reduce the level of significance of what happened: "think ...", "okay ...", "this is not the worst thing that can happen." It is important that you do not carry over a dramatic experience from one story to another and do not drag the tail of the experience with you.
If you intend to continue the relationship, criticism and complaints can exacerbate the situation and leave an unpleasant aftertaste. It is hardly worth dwelling on failure either. Better to revisit the romantic tape and repeat everything with a different mood.
The “unsuccessful” first time is an assessment. This means that there was some idea of how it should be, but in a relationship with another person it is obviously a failure, not for the first time, but for the second time, '' sums up Ekaterina Zalota. - Whether to give a chance depends on what meaning you put into it. Is it again an expectation of what will happen according to your ideal idea, or are you ready to see in the so-called failure a chance to look more deeply and broadly at your relationship? It is important to think about what kind of ideal you are looking for compliance, what is closeness for each of you, whether your ideas about it coincide. And at the same time, look at whether you are able to convey to another person your desires, your ideas. "
Ekaterina Shcheglova
Question to the psychologist:
Hello. My name is Valery, I am 18 years old and I have a problem. I love one single girl, and I have never loved anyone before. For me, she is the person for whom it is worth living, we have been together for 3 months, and we have known each other for about two years. In our relationship, everything is fine, we do not quarrel, we do not swear, we understand each other perfectly, but we often have many other problems, because of which we are often in a state of stress, excitement, bad mood and only the presence of each other next to each other saves. And we, like any normal couple, gradually approached the onset of sexual activity, felt attracted to each other, wanted this, but refrained and decided to postpone it for more late date... It was a birthday recently best friend my girlfriend. It was we who had to prepare this holiday for her, but we had some problems and initially we could not get there, which is why we were in a frustrated state. But at one fine moment, everything turned out the way we wanted, we were able to get to this holiday, we immediately had good mood and the desire for each other increased. We decided to make love for the first time that night. I was so happy that I had absolutely no control over myself and drank quite a bit, but I did not experience a state of strong intoxication. When we were in the bedroom, we started the foreplay, and when it was time to move on to the process itself, I felt that I did not have an erection .. I never thought that this would happen to me, and therefore I was killing myself all night after this. incredibly bad, even though the girl reassured me and assured me that everything was fine. I could not understand why this happened, and fell into the deepest depression and could not do absolutely anything for two days. I thought it might be due to fatigue, as I had spent the day before at work, worn out.
Perhaps due to lack of self-confidence, I cannot deal with it. And now, we agreed to try again on a certain day, and if this happens to me again, I don't know how I can live on. Please help me with advice on how to give yourself confidence, are not afraid, to completely plunge into this process?
What can be done?
Psychologist Elena Sergeevna Bobyleva answers the question.
Dear Valery, thank you for your question.
First of all, there is no need to worry. Since you planned and postponed this event, it became super significant for both of you ... A lot of people are afraid of success and sabotage it in various ways - maybe it happened to you. Sex is not an event in life (even the first one) - it is a normal continuation of the relationship between a man and a woman. I am sure that your friend loves you for who you are and does not need to prove anything to her or to herself. And more spontaneity in life in general and in sex in particular. You agreed to try again on a certain day and it seems to me that you are waiting for it like an exam with fear of failure. Try to rebuild - accept yourself as you are - you are a person, not a machine that works flawlessly in any situation. And instead of presenting pictures that everything did not work out again, imagine how everything happens exactly as you would like in the most beautiful dream. And scroll this "dream" in your imagination until it becomes true.) Relax and enjoy yourself, your girlfriend, your youth and love!
